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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658438" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Do you know why your sister did this, Copa?</p><p></p><p>For my own sister, what I have been able to pull together is...you know the feeling of a religious fanatic? My sister is someone who takes her identity in that way. She is one of those people who uses her "saved" to look down on those who are not. So you see the need to do that; that is okay. We all are doing the best we can, here in the human of it. There is something rigid; a place she is hurt. I am trying to find and clear my own places like that ~ to see through my own eyes and not be afraid, anymore. </p><p></p><p>There is just something weird; something off that I am having a look at now. It seems she is working against me and winning. But what is it she wants? What is it she wins? To answer your question about why I believe there is a strong possibility she will refuse to care for my mother after a certain point ~ there is something here having to do with the exclusion, and with the golden grand, and with the way my mother has changed and been made vulnerable to this sister over the issue of family; of unspoken accusation, maybe. All these disparate flashes of something that looks right and turns out not to be right at all indicate an insincerity. I wonder when my sister will turn my mother out and turn away from her <em>and I think she will and I think it will happen once no one else with whom my sister is in competition for our mother wants my mother.</em></p><p></p><p><em>This is why she so rabidly hates the man who wanted to marry my mother, and who still wants to. That is why she is so deeply in denial about what is happening to all of us that she can call me, after all that has happened between us, after she hurt my child, and talk about the horrible thing it is that my mother is in any way connected to this man.</em></p><p></p><p>If the man who wants to marry my mother were out of the picture, if I were out of the picture and if even my brother were out, then my mother would be vulnerable in a way she has never been because she is old, now. And I believe with my whole heart that she would turn away from my mother because ~ it has something to do with my sister having become family at long last. But that has something to do with having superceded. It has something to do with having and tossing away as worthless, the win being in having made the cast away person worthless; the win being that religious fanatic feeling of "I walk with the Lord."</p><p></p><p>That kind of sanctimonious justification of a thing you intended to do, a thing it gave you secret and intense pleasure to think about when you would do it, all along.</p><p></p><p>It ties in so neatly with dancing in the kitchen.</p><p></p><p>Who is predator. Who is prey.</p><p></p><p>Long knives.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>And that was okay, because no one really knew how to do this. My mother continues to return to my sister's in the winter months. But the man continues to be connected to her, very very much against my sister's will. In here somewhere is that my sister has been deeply involved each time things have gone so impossibly bad with my relationship to my mother, and with the way my mother sees my D H. But I am hurt, too. We all are, and if you are going to be family, then you work through the hurt places and you believe you can do this and then, maybe you can.</p><p></p><p>But my sister intentionally hurt my daughter.</p><p></p><p>And then, she FB me privately to be sure I knew that she had.</p><p></p><p>So the question becomes whether I continue to work at family as best I can, watching everything get so out of balance that it is like being in one of those movies where the night circus comes to town and the music wails instead of playing so prettily and you go there anyway, pretending it is day and all is well when there is blood everywhere.</p><p></p><p>And on your sister's lips, too.</p><p></p><p>There is a fullness of satisfaction in her that is a weird wrongness. That "I walk with the Lord" feeling.</p><p></p><p>When my daughter was so hurt, Copa, my sister began stalking her on Facebook. Neither she nor my mother expressed regret to me, offered support for me ~ there was nothing, from them, <em>not even from my own mother, Copa. </em>(The beating happened after I had made my sister so angry over the exclusion piece ~ the event noted above.) So, from my daughter, my sister learned all the things our daughter was telling anyone at all because she was so damaged and vulnerable and confused <em>and then this sister dropped my child; and it made my child cry, what my sister did. My daughter had been convinced she had an ally, a place of strength and compassion in my sister and she hurt my daughter by pretending to love her and then, dropping her.</em></p><p></p><p>Oh man, I just see everything through pissy green where my sister is concerned, now.</p><p></p><p>Everything now is justified through her religion. When I first brought up that she was purposely isolating or colluding in the isolation of our mother and excluding our brother, her response was: "I walk with the Lord. He may heal our relationship but I am done." She says words that present an image of one kind of person Copa ~ and she is so funny and clever and bright and attractive ~ that you could find yourself like me, just coming to understand that the light at the heart of her shines only on her.</p><p></p><p>Or something to that effect. We were texting on Facebook, so I still have the actual texts.</p><p></p><p>Yet, she does these strange things, these things that are weirdly wrong, that leave everyone feeling used, somehow. Here is a descriptive story that will help me place her more firmly as well as color her in for you. So, we were all at my parents' while my father was still alive. And there is forever that hyper-alert feeling in me when I am with them, but it is still fun to be with them. Except that the weirdness has this flavor: My brother and his wife were eating their dinner away from everyone else.</p><p></p><p>I went and sat with them for that reason.</p><p></p><p>And my sister, when first one person, and then the next, wondered where I was, because they do not see me so often, blew up about how she was the one who was visiting from far away, not me.</p><p></p><p>Things like that.</p><p></p><p>And I think the turning away from my mother will happen this summer, if the man who wanted to marry my mother comes anywhere near her. And I think that because I think my sister wants my mother bare naked vulnerable so she can dance in the light of it.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>My daughter is not me. She humiliated my sister publicly over things that were true about my sister. Things that are worse than anything my daughter has done, but that only family would know.</p><p></p><p>So my daughter is fine. She has been places so few people have. She reads character like an open book. Seeing as she does, she is generally compassionate to an extreme. But she does not like the using my sister does, or the flavor of the win.</p><p></p><p>So, she put that situation exactly back into balance without blinking an eye.</p><p></p><p>So that's good, then.</p><p></p><p>That is the flavor of my sister.</p><p></p><p>This thing happening in what is left of our family. And the feeling that the weirdness is not an accidental thing, a thing come of woundings, at all.</p><p></p><p>I have an appointment today, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I will write more later.</p><p></p><p>This has been an excellent thread for me.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658438, member: 17461"] Do you know why your sister did this, Copa? For my own sister, what I have been able to pull together is...you know the feeling of a religious fanatic? My sister is someone who takes her identity in that way. She is one of those people who uses her "saved" to look down on those who are not. So you see the need to do that; that is okay. We all are doing the best we can, here in the human of it. There is something rigid; a place she is hurt. I am trying to find and clear my own places like that ~ to see through my own eyes and not be afraid, anymore. There is just something weird; something off that I am having a look at now. It seems she is working against me and winning. But what is it she wants? What is it she wins? To answer your question about why I believe there is a strong possibility she will refuse to care for my mother after a certain point ~ there is something here having to do with the exclusion, and with the golden grand, and with the way my mother has changed and been made vulnerable to this sister over the issue of family; of unspoken accusation, maybe. All these disparate flashes of something that looks right and turns out not to be right at all indicate an insincerity. I wonder when my sister will turn my mother out and turn away from her [I]and I think she will and I think it will happen once no one else with whom my sister is in competition for our mother wants my mother.[/I] [I]This is why she so rabidly hates the man who wanted to marry my mother, and who still wants to. That is why she is so deeply in denial about what is happening to all of us that she can call me, after all that has happened between us, after she hurt my child, and talk about the horrible thing it is that my mother is in any way connected to this man.[/I] If the man who wants to marry my mother were out of the picture, if I were out of the picture and if even my brother were out, then my mother would be vulnerable in a way she has never been because she is old, now. And I believe with my whole heart that she would turn away from my mother because ~ it has something to do with my sister having become family at long last. But that has something to do with having superceded. It has something to do with having and tossing away as worthless, the win being in having made the cast away person worthless; the win being that religious fanatic feeling of "I walk with the Lord." That kind of sanctimonious justification of a thing you intended to do, a thing it gave you secret and intense pleasure to think about when you would do it, all along. It ties in so neatly with dancing in the kitchen. Who is predator. Who is prey. Long knives. *** And that was okay, because no one really knew how to do this. My mother continues to return to my sister's in the winter months. But the man continues to be connected to her, very very much against my sister's will. In here somewhere is that my sister has been deeply involved each time things have gone so impossibly bad with my relationship to my mother, and with the way my mother sees my D H. But I am hurt, too. We all are, and if you are going to be family, then you work through the hurt places and you believe you can do this and then, maybe you can. But my sister intentionally hurt my daughter. And then, she FB me privately to be sure I knew that she had. So the question becomes whether I continue to work at family as best I can, watching everything get so out of balance that it is like being in one of those movies where the night circus comes to town and the music wails instead of playing so prettily and you go there anyway, pretending it is day and all is well when there is blood everywhere. And on your sister's lips, too. There is a fullness of satisfaction in her that is a weird wrongness. That "I walk with the Lord" feeling. When my daughter was so hurt, Copa, my sister began stalking her on Facebook. Neither she nor my mother expressed regret to me, offered support for me ~ there was nothing, from them, [I]not even from my own mother, Copa. [/I](The beating happened after I had made my sister so angry over the exclusion piece ~ the event noted above.) So, from my daughter, my sister learned all the things our daughter was telling anyone at all because she was so damaged and vulnerable and confused [I]and then this sister dropped my child; and it made my child cry, what my sister did. My daughter had been convinced she had an ally, a place of strength and compassion in my sister and she hurt my daughter by pretending to love her and then, dropping her.[/I] Oh man, I just see everything through pissy green where my sister is concerned, now. Everything now is justified through her religion. When I first brought up that she was purposely isolating or colluding in the isolation of our mother and excluding our brother, her response was: "I walk with the Lord. He may heal our relationship but I am done." She says words that present an image of one kind of person Copa ~ and she is so funny and clever and bright and attractive ~ that you could find yourself like me, just coming to understand that the light at the heart of her shines only on her. Or something to that effect. We were texting on Facebook, so I still have the actual texts. Yet, she does these strange things, these things that are weirdly wrong, that leave everyone feeling used, somehow. Here is a descriptive story that will help me place her more firmly as well as color her in for you. So, we were all at my parents' while my father was still alive. And there is forever that hyper-alert feeling in me when I am with them, but it is still fun to be with them. Except that the weirdness has this flavor: My brother and his wife were eating their dinner away from everyone else. I went and sat with them for that reason. And my sister, when first one person, and then the next, wondered where I was, because they do not see me so often, blew up about how she was the one who was visiting from far away, not me. Things like that. And I think the turning away from my mother will happen this summer, if the man who wanted to marry my mother comes anywhere near her. And I think that because I think my sister wants my mother bare naked vulnerable so she can dance in the light of it. *** My daughter is not me. She humiliated my sister publicly over things that were true about my sister. Things that are worse than anything my daughter has done, but that only family would know. So my daughter is fine. She has been places so few people have. She reads character like an open book. Seeing as she does, she is generally compassionate to an extreme. But she does not like the using my sister does, or the flavor of the win. So, she put that situation exactly back into balance without blinking an eye. So that's good, then. That is the flavor of my sister. This thing happening in what is left of our family. And the feeling that the weirdness is not an accidental thing, a thing come of woundings, at all. I have an appointment today, Copa. I will write more later. This has been an excellent thread for me. Thank you. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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