Cedar, I'm going to ask for your insight (or anyone's) because I am really puzzled. I have been thinking a lot about my FOO, especially E. lately. Why? Since I was fifty years old I put her to rest and have barely thought of her. Why is she prominant now? What triggered it? I was never this angry about how she had disowned me before this. Sad, yes. Angry, no. Now I'm reading a lot about others who have gone through this and it makes me angry and sad for all of them. I never really thought about it. It is always an act of meanness and the adult child is always a little puzzled as to what he/she did. Most parents excuse the stuff our parents don't excuse. I' n not even quite sure what she needed to excuse. I'm sure Thing 2's reading my stuff kicked it up because she claimed to have no interest in every speaking to me again, but was so obsessed with me that she had a need to know my deepest thoughts...then she called it lies. Which they aren't. All I could think about is what a fraud she is. She is thinking about me, when she says I don't matter to her anymore. What kind of lying to yourself is THAT? Stalking your ex-sister that you disowned? That started the ball reading to try to figure out how dysfunctional, sick families tick... And then I started to think about my Dad and how old he is and feeling sad and horrible and talking to him more, trying to get to know him more. He doesn't share if you don't ask him and I want to ask him about his childhood and I will (maybe today). I think about how he can't live that much longer, although I hope he does...he is my only link to family...the only one I could ever trust to be fair. Then what? Another will. That is traumatic. Thing 1 in charge because Dad, like E., believes he will be fair. But I don't trust him. I read about these horrible will wars. Now I want to read my mother's will. I can get a copy of it. Why do I want to read it ten years later? It is bound to only hurt me. Why am I thinking about my FOO now??? I do think my dad's age and the inevitable and then the aftermath is scary to me. I was not a part of it last time. I know my dad will make sure I am this time. I want to honor him. I want to do a eulogy. It would be short, but I want to do one. I don't want to see Thing 1 or 2 for any reason. They make me feel like throwing up.Of course...I will have to see them, but my husband and kids will make me feel safer...but not completely safe. When I think of them now, I get the chills...like a revulsion...hard to explain. I won't look at them, but I'll still feel them. Why, after living eleven peaceful years in my pleasant small town with my loving husband and kids and pets and serenity, am I being triggered NOW? I am at a loss. Most of the time I am ok. But I am exploring more about the will and disowning thing. It smacks EVERYONE it happens to. I understand why people write memoirs. It is to heal themselves. No, I won't write one. I don't want to relive all that in so much detail. Nope. This is enough. But I have started one, although it will sit unfinished. It was just at the beginning, with my memory of Uncle Idiot in the bedroom alone with me telling me stories about the footsteps upstairs and scaring me...and it ended there. That alone was too hard. I could see his sneer. Anyhow...you are so good with words and insight. And I"m sure others are too. After all this time and so many years of peace, why has E. come back to haunt me with her disowning? It was so long ago. Why do I still have nightmares about her? Do you know that I had not seen her for so long before sh e died that I still see her the way she was when she as younger. Dark black hair. No wrinkles. Those dang pedal pushers and big legs that are the family curse...lol. Her angry voice. Her mocking voice. Thankfully Thing 1 and 2 do not get featured in my dreams so I know this is really about E. Thanks for considering responding and it's ok if you can't. Anyone is welcome.