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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 658442" data-attributes="member: 1550">Beautiful posts. Breathtaking. They so tell of the pain you two have experienced.Copa, you are wise. I do suffer for my sister because I know what HER life was like at home. I was there. I was older. I saw. My brother and I would tease her relentlessly. I started it. I was very jealoous of her back then, thinking she was the only sane one in the family. Not an excuse, but an explanation. She was seven years my junior and go crying to my mother, who was on the phone, talking her marathon calls to  her own mother, and my sister would cry out for help. From me. From my brother. She deserved attention. She deserved help. My mother never did anything to stop us. Nothing. Maybe, just maybe, she shouted out "Stop it!" and then went back to her phone call. She was not protected as a child. She was the typical "lost child."Copa and Ceda, she was a beautiful young teen. She didn't believe it. I worked at a pizza place where there were lots of teen boys, younger than me, who had crushes on me and I knew she'd be a smash hit there. I wanted her to know she was beautiful. And loveable. She did not want to visit me at work. I don't recall how she finally ended up coming there, but she did...and the boys went crazy...and she was so SHOCKED. So much like I am when somebody thinks I'm good at something. Remember too, we were raised to be "beautiful." I can still remember when she realized she was pretty. It was a sweet moment.But the damage by being ignored was there. She suffered from a severe eating disorder in college and does to this day. Yes, yes, she calls me mentally ill and borderline and even evil to her anon. peeps. I don't care about most anon peeps and what conclusions they draw. They are not in my life. They don't care about her or me and will never know me. In spite of t hat, it is a fact that both of us suffer from mental illness. If you saw my sister, and she is still beautiful, you would be shocked by how frail she looks because she refuses to by m ore than 100 lbs. She is of slightly lower than average height and  I know *I* look bad now that I am older even at 110 lbs. I look sickly and realize that when you get older being too  thin is not the same as when you are young, but she can't see it. And I never see her eating. Her disease/illness breaks my heart.  Any other problems she has, and she has others, have never been diagnosed. This one wasn't either, but she knows it is there. Anyone who sees her would know  it. I feel sad that my baby sister, whom I loved more than anyone except for my kids, went through garbage, that I was a part of it, and that she has nobody close to her now other than th is jerk of a boyfriend who abuses her. Honestly, I wanted to strangle him when she would talk about him.Although she ended up on good terms with my mother, I can see why and where she was conditioned to feel badly about herself, on many fronts, and to be afraid of intimacy and to dislike me. To like me was frowned on by my FOO and she craved their loved. Trust me, I get it.I feel for my brother too, all alone forever. The almost spouse of my mother.But I don't know him. I still have no idea what his beef with me is because of not reading his letter. I'm still glad I chose not to...that by then I was taking better care of me. But he suffered. He is very ill and can not seem to have a loving relationship with anybody except his students. Don't get me wrong. I"m glad his students love him. It's good for him. But...I'll leave it at that.At the same time, I was abused the most at home and after I left the home. I was and still am the obvious scapegoat and I'm doing well. It t ook me years to learn that I was loveable enough to marry a man who could love me. But I did it. I feel that if I can do it, with the hole I was dug, they both can too. Again, I know little about my brother. I know my sister seems to crave unavailable, superficially charming, handsome but abusive men and I am sorry for her. I tried to help her because she was in such agony over her boyfriend.The fact that he has been displeasing her and abusing her for five years and she has never stopped seeing him or has NEVER gone NC with him tells me, with clear eyes, that going NC with me, who didn't do anything close to what he does even in her imagination, this is deep, ingrained and family stuff. That's all. So I feel for all of us, but I can only take care of one of us...me.So, yeah, I know where shse came from and how sh e got here and, yes, I feel some softness even when she expresses none for me. I personally don't CARE what she thilnks about me anymore. I do wish she'd heal, but that is on her. I am no longer there to talk to her about her issues. I can't take care of myself and somebody else too. Especially when the person refuses to get out of a bad situation.She is forced to read this because she is still emotionally attached to me. I am to her too or I'd never talk about her, however what she does saddens me but does not hurt me anymore. What s he says about me is sad, and in my opinion she is trying to hurt me, but she can't. I am immune to it. I'm used to it maybe? I have little stress in the rest of my life. I have love. I have peeps who are not dramatic and crazy. I don't need to dump on her too.On the other hand, we all have a right to heal and writing has always been my go-to. This is a good place for me because there are just a few of us going through this and I've been here for so long. I could blog or journal, but I find it less helpful than group therapy, so to speak. And my truth is my own. Nobody can make me think my truth isn't true, so to speak. So while I must be done with both of my ex-siblings, and the love I felt once so sstrong for my sister, has died, I do k now where she came from. I was there. I saw. I saw her coping mechanisms and know them.Remember how I told you that my mother used to call me selfish? It was her second insult next to "stupid." It did not make me think I was selfish. I DID think I was incredibly stupid and often sti ll do. But not selfish. I knew I had an easily broken heart of gold. I wish I had also been taught the correct socially acceptable way to express that heart, but I never learned coping skills at home. So my easily broken heart (read about Highly Sensitive People...this is a new topic altogether, but I'll bet we all fit)...my easily broken heart was hurt easily and sometimes I lashed out at who hurt me. I was very seldom the perpetrator though. Maybe my ex-sibs think differently. I don't care.I feel very badly for everyone in my screwed up divide/conquer/black/white dysfunctional family, but I am letting them go at a steady pace, partly due to these "therapy sessions" we are having. I don't want to waste t he rest of my life on broken people who will not fix themselves. I am enough work for me...lol.I so appreciate both of your intelligent and right-on-the-money feedback. I read every word. I learn.</blockquote>

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