Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658540" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Well, that's pretty much what I am doing. I should be available to my mother while she is here near us during the summer months. When I am posting in one way, I think I will never see her, again. Nor will I attend whatever messed up funeral service is held, here or in that city where my mother stays with my sister in winter.</p><p></p><p>Then?</p><p></p><p>I think I am horrible for doing this. Which is true, actually.</p><p></p><p>That is what I am trying to figure out. What am I doing? How could it be that I am doing what I am doing. Time will be gone one of these days for one of us. How can I think this could be a right thing.</p><p></p><p>It isn't a right thing.</p><p></p><p>So, I post about it, and feel fortunate to have you both, and others who may post in, to think it through with. The thing is, the mother who parented me in those terrible ways also parented well at times. She is just a person like me.</p><p></p><p>Just a human, like me.</p><p></p><p>So I should call her. I think that is what I will do. But I will do it once we have gone through the things I never do like to have a look at. Then, I will be able to meet whatever it is head on. I don't have a problem with saying what needs to be said once I can see what it is. I always usually say what I think needs to be said, but apparently I am getting this really wrong.</p><p></p><p>So, there's that.</p><p></p><p>The man who still wants to marry my mother last I heard, has lots of money and he is very strong. He is strong enough to cope with my mother <em>but not strong enough to cope with my mother and my sister.</em> He continued to send my mother gifts, and to call her. (He bought her a phone so he could call her because no one at my sister's house takes, or returns, family calls. Apparently they do now, because my sister said, on that last phone call that finally did come and that I picked up, that my brother calls there all the time now, and that they talk to him.)</p><p></p><p>But when my mother first broke up with him and he had a broken heart and so on? Then, after a year or two? He emailed that he just couldn't make sense of things that he'd been told about me, about D H and me, and about everything and did I want to know what she'd said about me. (We'd been emailing all along. He would send the funniest jokes to everyone on his email list. And then when his heart was broken, we emailed about that a little bit.) And I said no. I did not want to know what my mother had said. I did not want to confirm or deny or know about any of that. Because here is a secret: Nothing my mother might have said would have surprised me. I know how she is. Even then, I knew that about her.) Regarding whatever he'd been told about D H and I, I said that he'd been married himself, and he had to know that marriages have their ups and their downs, and that D H and I had been married something like 36 years and I love and respect him, still.</p><p></p><p>So he understood that, but seemed surprised to remember just how long we had been married. As though my mother had intentionally tried to turn him against D H which she probably did and that did not surprise me, nor was there anything to say about how my mother presents things.</p><p></p><p>And all at once, he seemed to get it that maybe my mother had been telling lies. That maybe there were other things he should think about, too. And I did not tell him one word, not a breath of any of the things my mother had said about him.</p><p></p><p>And I never will.</p><p></p><p>And I told D H about the man offering to tell us what my mother said about all of us and boy, did D H want to know! So I said, then you tell him that, because there is nothing I could hear that would surprise me and I don't want to know.</p><p></p><p>But the man would not tell D H.</p><p></p><p>Which was the ethical thing for him to have done. I think offering to tell me was an ethical slip on his part.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It's one of those weird ways that things are in my FOO that just don't make sense. Initially, my sister's voice would take on this tired, haranguing note when I brought up the sudden inability to pick up the phone that seemed to be happening at her house when I would call, or when my brother would. (If my sister was not home? Her D H would answer the phone just like a normal person.) She would say they were so busy. (Unlike me and D H, who apparently do nothing but sit around and think up bad things about my sister ~ which is uncomfortably close to the bone just lately.)</p><p></p><p>Where was I.</p><p></p><p>So, I told her at some point, that no one is busy for six years.</p><p></p><p>Yet, just as it is with SWOT's sister, my sister has always called to talk about her marriage for an hour or two whenever she wanted to. She would call crying.</p><p></p><p>My sister can cry. I have a major problem with crying because it solves nothing. Sometimes I do cry, but I hate it when tears come in my eyes in public.</p><p></p><p>I hate that.</p><p></p><p>My grandmother could cry like my sister does, too. Huge, noisy sobs. Or she will be really quiet right after I say hello, like she is struggling to hold back the tears. (Or elicit that mothering response, now that I am thinking in such a bad way about my own sister.) And then she starts just boohooing and finally, after she calms down, she tells me what it is.</p><p></p><p>My mother does not cry. She takes charge. So poor mom. She must have been through the same kinds of things that happened to me.</p><p></p><p>D H cries at the sad parts of movies. Like I will not hear from him for awhile? And I look over and there are tears in his eyes.</p><p></p><p>And we just have to laugh about that, because he is actually more tender than me.</p><p></p><p>He cries at La Bamba, and at the part in Grumpy Old Men when Jack Lemmon has a heart attack and the other actor realizes he loves his friend. He cried for the horse in War Horse, when he was trapped in barbed wire but was freed by the soldier whose horse he turned out to have been before time separated them.</p><p></p><p>I don't remember exactly how that movie goes, but it was something like that.</p><p></p><p>But he can watch the end of Braveheart without batting an eye and I can't even watch that part. People are so cruel, and I hate that and it makes me angry and D H says, "That's how life is, Cedie."</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So Copa and SWOT, if you are here reading along on today's diatribe, that is the answer to what kind of man it is who wants to marry my mother. Where the other stuff came from, about the phone and the crying, I think that has to do with manipulation. Is it a manipulation when my sister does that. I don't like to cry, even when I do it. Sometimes I cry of course, but I don't like it when I do. So, I think that would apply to my sister too. But if a person cries easily all the time in a way that is off key (My daughter can cry? But she is really mad, or really ~ well, mostly mad when she does and it happens like she doesn't even care if she is crying, that's nothing compared to what she is talking about.)</p><p></p><p>So, that would be honest crying.</p><p></p><p>That must be what I am trying to figure out, here. Always and forever, the question: What to hay is really happening here. So the crying part in my sister's case is a manipulation. She has the biggest, most incredible eyes, my sister. And it does make me feel sad when they fill up with tears. But you know what? No one who is really crying ~ they don't look at <em>you</em> while their eyes fill up with tears.</p><p></p><p>That is the difference.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658540, member: 17461"] Well, that's pretty much what I am doing. I should be available to my mother while she is here near us during the summer months. When I am posting in one way, I think I will never see her, again. Nor will I attend whatever messed up funeral service is held, here or in that city where my mother stays with my sister in winter. Then? I think I am horrible for doing this. Which is true, actually. That is what I am trying to figure out. What am I doing? How could it be that I am doing what I am doing. Time will be gone one of these days for one of us. How can I think this could be a right thing. It isn't a right thing. So, I post about it, and feel fortunate to have you both, and others who may post in, to think it through with. The thing is, the mother who parented me in those terrible ways also parented well at times. She is just a person like me. Just a human, like me. So I should call her. I think that is what I will do. But I will do it once we have gone through the things I never do like to have a look at. Then, I will be able to meet whatever it is head on. I don't have a problem with saying what needs to be said once I can see what it is. I always usually say what I think needs to be said, but apparently I am getting this really wrong. So, there's that. The man who still wants to marry my mother last I heard, has lots of money and he is very strong. He is strong enough to cope with my mother [I]but not strong enough to cope with my mother and my sister.[/I] He continued to send my mother gifts, and to call her. (He bought her a phone so he could call her because no one at my sister's house takes, or returns, family calls. Apparently they do now, because my sister said, on that last phone call that finally did come and that I picked up, that my brother calls there all the time now, and that they talk to him.) But when my mother first broke up with him and he had a broken heart and so on? Then, after a year or two? He emailed that he just couldn't make sense of things that he'd been told about me, about D H and me, and about everything and did I want to know what she'd said about me. (We'd been emailing all along. He would send the funniest jokes to everyone on his email list. And then when his heart was broken, we emailed about that a little bit.) And I said no. I did not want to know what my mother had said. I did not want to confirm or deny or know about any of that. Because here is a secret: Nothing my mother might have said would have surprised me. I know how she is. Even then, I knew that about her.) Regarding whatever he'd been told about D H and I, I said that he'd been married himself, and he had to know that marriages have their ups and their downs, and that D H and I had been married something like 36 years and I love and respect him, still. So he understood that, but seemed surprised to remember just how long we had been married. As though my mother had intentionally tried to turn him against D H which she probably did and that did not surprise me, nor was there anything to say about how my mother presents things. And all at once, he seemed to get it that maybe my mother had been telling lies. That maybe there were other things he should think about, too. And I did not tell him one word, not a breath of any of the things my mother had said about him. And I never will. And I told D H about the man offering to tell us what my mother said about all of us and boy, did D H want to know! So I said, then you tell him that, because there is nothing I could hear that would surprise me and I don't want to know. But the man would not tell D H. Which was the ethical thing for him to have done. I think offering to tell me was an ethical slip on his part. *** It's one of those weird ways that things are in my FOO that just don't make sense. Initially, my sister's voice would take on this tired, haranguing note when I brought up the sudden inability to pick up the phone that seemed to be happening at her house when I would call, or when my brother would. (If my sister was not home? Her D H would answer the phone just like a normal person.) She would say they were so busy. (Unlike me and D H, who apparently do nothing but sit around and think up bad things about my sister ~ which is uncomfortably close to the bone just lately.) Where was I. So, I told her at some point, that no one is busy for six years. Yet, just as it is with SWOT's sister, my sister has always called to talk about her marriage for an hour or two whenever she wanted to. She would call crying. My sister can cry. I have a major problem with crying because it solves nothing. Sometimes I do cry, but I hate it when tears come in my eyes in public. I hate that. My grandmother could cry like my sister does, too. Huge, noisy sobs. Or she will be really quiet right after I say hello, like she is struggling to hold back the tears. (Or elicit that mothering response, now that I am thinking in such a bad way about my own sister.) And then she starts just boohooing and finally, after she calms down, she tells me what it is. My mother does not cry. She takes charge. So poor mom. She must have been through the same kinds of things that happened to me. D H cries at the sad parts of movies. Like I will not hear from him for awhile? And I look over and there are tears in his eyes. And we just have to laugh about that, because he is actually more tender than me. He cries at La Bamba, and at the part in Grumpy Old Men when Jack Lemmon has a heart attack and the other actor realizes he loves his friend. He cried for the horse in War Horse, when he was trapped in barbed wire but was freed by the soldier whose horse he turned out to have been before time separated them. I don't remember exactly how that movie goes, but it was something like that. But he can watch the end of Braveheart without batting an eye and I can't even watch that part. People are so cruel, and I hate that and it makes me angry and D H says, "That's how life is, Cedie." *** So Copa and SWOT, if you are here reading along on today's diatribe, that is the answer to what kind of man it is who wants to marry my mother. Where the other stuff came from, about the phone and the crying, I think that has to do with manipulation. Is it a manipulation when my sister does that. I don't like to cry, even when I do it. Sometimes I cry of course, but I don't like it when I do. So, I think that would apply to my sister too. But if a person cries easily all the time in a way that is off key (My daughter can cry? But she is really mad, or really ~ well, mostly mad when she does and it happens like she doesn't even care if she is crying, that's nothing compared to what she is talking about.) So, that would be honest crying. That must be what I am trying to figure out, here. Always and forever, the question: What to hay is really happening here. So the crying part in my sister's case is a manipulation. She has the biggest, most incredible eyes, my sister. And it does make me feel sad when they fill up with tears. But you know what? No one who is really crying ~ they don't look at [I]you[/I] while their eyes fill up with tears. That is the difference. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
Top