Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 660454" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I too feel this way regarding brokenness. </p><p></p><p>Well, look at all of us here, staying the course to heal our own and one another's, brokenness.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It could be that we are happiest helping others (and ourselves) reach for that best person they could be; the one we see so clearly, whatever the exterior.</p><p></p><p>That is a precious thing.</p><p></p><p>We need to learn to care for and cherish ourselves, too. It isn't that we are wrong or foolish to feel as we do. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Regarding my first therapist: Beneath the anger was...more anger!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>But as I put it away (thank you both for witnessing for me) I decided that what mattered here was <em>how </em>I put it away. He is not the important one, I am. He cannot hurt me, now. He cannot help me, now.</p><p></p><p>I am grateful for those beginning months. I made incredible progress. It was like being with you two here. A witness; someone I could trust, and I trusted no one. I don't know what happened to change all that. But it doesn't matter. Just as it is with our kids and our FOO, how the story ends does not change that it began beautifully.</p><p></p><p>I lived.</p><p></p><p>There was beautiful poetry.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This too seems simple, this morning. (I don't know whether it is really simple, or whether I am cutting to the chase because I have some alone time here.) They (my FOO) and everything we learned there revolved around that initial choice to hate rather than to choose love somehow, any way you can. They choose anger, and use it to justify further abuse, whether the victim is child or adult. This is what I saw with the lady who drove my mother South; I saw it in my mother's response to my brother's complaints regarding treatment of himself and his family and grands. I see it coming between my sister and my mother, once there is no longer anyone to unify against. </p><p></p><p>That is why they do what they do. It is easy to hate. It is easy to love. The hard part is figuring out when to let go and how to do that.</p><p></p><p>The next hard part is figuring out how to be a decent person in my own right.</p><p></p><p>I have spent my life not being my mother, so afraid that I would be that way, too. </p><p></p><p>Good for me; that was a hard, scary battle.</p><p></p><p>I am back on posting like crazy because everyone is gone for a few hours. I have so many things to do while they are out, but I wanted to touch base here and see how we all are, this morning.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how I am doing either, unless I think about it enough to create a coherent post for all of us, here.</p><p></p><p>We are doing incredible work.</p><p></p><p>Thank you both.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love it that you know about this.</p><p></p><p>I don't know about it. I have done some reading in economics. It was a scary thing to understand that no one knows how to do this. I think that is part of having been abused, too. I was taught that my mother was the ultimate authority on everything, and that she knew everything. (Just don't think, Cedar.) I am forever surprised to realize that the more we learn the less we know and that no one really knows anything for sure.</p><p></p><p>This is what I have observed: Those who say they know or who believe they know? Are the very ones we should never listen to, at all.</p><p></p><p>(Just don't think, Cedar. <em>Just shut up, mom.</em>)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love the trust and the respect in this, for both of you.</p><p></p><p>Good job, Copa.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Isn't that an amazing thing, Copa. I am happy for you that you can see it, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>For all we know Copa, his mind had been destroyed by that time. For all we know, he was raised in misogynistic belief systems that poisoned him altogether toward women at the end and so, just like our kids do sometimes, he took it out on the one he loved best.</p><p></p><p>In any event, he is gone. We need not concern ourselves with him until later, and then only if you wish to. Can you imagine what you needed to hear from a father figure of your choice, Copa?</p><p></p><p>Had your father been healthy, had his life continued successfully Copa, how would he have raised and cherished and protected that little girl he dressed so well and was so proud to bring out for dinner to the restaurant?</p><p></p><p>That was surely his intent, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Life broke your father, it seems to me. Had his life been different, how cherished you would have been, Copa.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We did talk things over. We laughed alot. No one ever confronted my mother on what she did. My mother was always angry at everyone.</p><p></p><p>She seethes with it.</p><p></p><p>Regarding holidays...nothing ever worked. We were like that family in the song "Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas." There is a line that goes: "And they all run outside whooping so the neighbors can hear."</p><p></p><p>That is my FOO.</p><p></p><p>My father used to hang Santa in effigy on the front door where a wreath should be.</p><p></p><p>D H family does holidays, and D H and I do holidays. They are huge ones, because D H family is large. The last 4th of July my mother attended, she snatched the freaking guest of honor (The new wife of a nephew. The lady is a black lady from Africa. This was the first time the nephew and the lady and their children were here with the whole family. <em>And my mother promised the woman a ring, and took her to her house. When I called to tell my mother she needed to come back now because dinner was ready, my mom was "Why should I?" Her intention was to keep the woman away until after the family dinner.</em></p><p></p><p><em>I had lied about dinner being ready.</em></p><p></p><p><em>My mom and the lady made it back in the nick of time, the lady was given the ring, and D H did not learn what my mother had done until later. </em></p><p></p><p><em>That is what my mom does. A bad thing, but not really. But what my mother also will have done is plant poison against the family and the husband of the woman from Africa.</em></p><p></p><p>Roar.</p><p></p><p>I need to stop now so I can begin preparations for the 4th before everyone gets home.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you both such a nice day.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 660454, member: 17461"] I too feel this way regarding brokenness. Well, look at all of us here, staying the course to heal our own and one another's, brokenness. It could be that we are happiest helping others (and ourselves) reach for that best person they could be; the one we see so clearly, whatever the exterior. That is a precious thing. We need to learn to care for and cherish ourselves, too. It isn't that we are wrong or foolish to feel as we do. Regarding my first therapist: Beneath the anger was...more anger! :O) But as I put it away (thank you both for witnessing for me) I decided that what mattered here was [I]how [/I]I put it away. He is not the important one, I am. He cannot hurt me, now. He cannot help me, now. I am grateful for those beginning months. I made incredible progress. It was like being with you two here. A witness; someone I could trust, and I trusted no one. I don't know what happened to change all that. But it doesn't matter. Just as it is with our kids and our FOO, how the story ends does not change that it began beautifully. I lived. There was beautiful poetry. This too seems simple, this morning. (I don't know whether it is really simple, or whether I am cutting to the chase because I have some alone time here.) They (my FOO) and everything we learned there revolved around that initial choice to hate rather than to choose love somehow, any way you can. They choose anger, and use it to justify further abuse, whether the victim is child or adult. This is what I saw with the lady who drove my mother South; I saw it in my mother's response to my brother's complaints regarding treatment of himself and his family and grands. I see it coming between my sister and my mother, once there is no longer anyone to unify against. That is why they do what they do. It is easy to hate. It is easy to love. The hard part is figuring out when to let go and how to do that. The next hard part is figuring out how to be a decent person in my own right. I have spent my life not being my mother, so afraid that I would be that way, too. Good for me; that was a hard, scary battle. I am back on posting like crazy because everyone is gone for a few hours. I have so many things to do while they are out, but I wanted to touch base here and see how we all are, this morning. I don't know how I am doing either, unless I think about it enough to create a coherent post for all of us, here. We are doing incredible work. Thank you both. :O) I love it that you know about this. I don't know about it. I have done some reading in economics. It was a scary thing to understand that no one knows how to do this. I think that is part of having been abused, too. I was taught that my mother was the ultimate authority on everything, and that she knew everything. (Just don't think, Cedar.) I am forever surprised to realize that the more we learn the less we know and that no one really knows anything for sure. This is what I have observed: Those who say they know or who believe they know? Are the very ones we should never listen to, at all. (Just don't think, Cedar. [I]Just shut up, mom.[/I]) I love the trust and the respect in this, for both of you. Good job, Copa. Isn't that an amazing thing, Copa. I am happy for you that you can see it, now. For all we know Copa, his mind had been destroyed by that time. For all we know, he was raised in misogynistic belief systems that poisoned him altogether toward women at the end and so, just like our kids do sometimes, he took it out on the one he loved best. In any event, he is gone. We need not concern ourselves with him until later, and then only if you wish to. Can you imagine what you needed to hear from a father figure of your choice, Copa? Had your father been healthy, had his life continued successfully Copa, how would he have raised and cherished and protected that little girl he dressed so well and was so proud to bring out for dinner to the restaurant? That was surely his intent, Copa. Life broke your father, it seems to me. Had his life been different, how cherished you would have been, Copa. We did talk things over. We laughed alot. No one ever confronted my mother on what she did. My mother was always angry at everyone. She seethes with it. Regarding holidays...nothing ever worked. We were like that family in the song "Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas." There is a line that goes: "And they all run outside whooping so the neighbors can hear." That is my FOO. My father used to hang Santa in effigy on the front door where a wreath should be. D H family does holidays, and D H and I do holidays. They are huge ones, because D H family is large. The last 4th of July my mother attended, she snatched the freaking guest of honor (The new wife of a nephew. The lady is a black lady from Africa. This was the first time the nephew and the lady and their children were here with the whole family. [I]And my mother promised the woman a ring, and took her to her house. When I called to tell my mother she needed to come back now because dinner was ready, my mom was "Why should I?" Her intention was to keep the woman away until after the family dinner.[/I] [I]I had lied about dinner being ready.[/I] [I]My mom and the lady made it back in the nick of time, the lady was given the ring, and D H did not learn what my mother had done until later. [/I] [I]That is what my mom does. A bad thing, but not really. But what my mother also will have done is plant poison against the family and the husband of the woman from Africa.[/I] Roar. I need to stop now so I can begin preparations for the 4th before everyone gets home. Wishing you both such a nice day. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
Top