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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 662449" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is the thing that makes it hard. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who my child was. I refer to that in my post of last night. Where the way that I held my son became tainted both by his own behavior towards me, and where I sunk to in Foo-ness as a result.</p><p></p><p>SWOT has been trying for awhile to get my attention. At first I reacted defensively. Now not so much.</p><p></p><p>She has been trying to tell me I think that I have other choices. That I do not have to personalize my son's limits or behaviors. That he may have important differences from many of the adult children on this site, meaning that the course open to him had been delimited by and because of intrinsic limits placed by his birth and early development.</p><p></p><p>Because of those differences, detaching may not have the same results, for me or for my son.</p><p></p><p>What I have been struggling with the past few days in particular is the idea that my hostility and defensiveness to my son backed him into a corner, where he did not as much choose some of his behaviors but was as if forced to them. And this process only escalated when there was no one else to take him in. And even then I may have been rejecting of him, or at least inconsistently accepting.</p><p></p><p>So the idea of how I hold my son in my heart while extremely important is confusing. Because my desire to hold my son in my heart as adored, at least today, can only be sustained when he is lost, and I do not know where. I know on at least one or two levels I do adore him, but I am less sure it is in the here and now moment when I interact with him or see or feel the consequences of his behaviors. I am human.</p><p></p><p>And then there is the more confusing question still, in that each of us, cannot but see my son through the lens of their own adored difficult children. SWOT and Cedar, you cannot help but respond to my son and my situation based upon your own experience with your own children. And our situations while, similar, are different.</p><p></p><p>And I am left with my own. And I am the only one who can rightfully and fully see him as he has been, was, is, and as I want him to be.</p><p></p><p>If I am confused, where does this leave me? With a choice of a stance about who he is to me and who I want him to be? Or a reality defined by a set of facts?</p><p></p><p>M has been for a long time trying to get me to see this. He has counseled me and pleaded with me that I have it within me to choose love and act from love. Not fear. Not hostility. Not doubt. With hope. With trust. With responsibility. With strength. Steady state. Like his Mother does with all of her children.</p><p></p><p>But what he has seen so far is a me, as if Bi-polar. Cycling. Manic. Frantic. Reactive. Furious. Depressed. Desolate. A hundred different pathological states, all of them fueled by love and fear.</p><p></p><p>I can know where I stand, but I do not know where to stand. Because I for a long time have not worked out so well as a parent or a mother. And my son is floundering and at risk and vulnerable and I do not know where to stand. Or what to do.</p><p></p><p>I want to take my son in and trust him. And help him stabilize and give him a hand as my family and my beloved child. And when I am in this space there is nothing that matters other than this. Except I will not put M in a position that he does not want to be. And it seems he may have doubts about my son in the house. Despite his assurances.</p><p></p><p>So I guess this is how a decision will be made. Negotiated. Somewhere between choices for what we want and hope for...and what we know as reality.</p><p></p><p>PS You do know how worried about my son I am and how hard it is to not know where he is. This is the exact thing that M and the psychiatrist point out as what I need to change. That I cannot yet but must be able detach my emotions from the person running around on the street somewhere. I tell myself if he was only on his liver medicine I could handle it. Because I did so for long, when he was actually homeless. I am uncertain what has changed. Could it be that I have? And that I am getting worse, not stronger, but worse?</p><p></p><p>I am grateful for your support. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 662449, member: 18958"] This is the thing that makes it hard. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who my child was. I refer to that in my post of last night. Where the way that I held my son became tainted both by his own behavior towards me, and where I sunk to in Foo-ness as a result. SWOT has been trying for awhile to get my attention. At first I reacted defensively. Now not so much. She has been trying to tell me I think that I have other choices. That I do not have to personalize my son's limits or behaviors. That he may have important differences from many of the adult children on this site, meaning that the course open to him had been delimited by and because of intrinsic limits placed by his birth and early development. Because of those differences, detaching may not have the same results, for me or for my son. What I have been struggling with the past few days in particular is the idea that my hostility and defensiveness to my son backed him into a corner, where he did not as much choose some of his behaviors but was as if forced to them. And this process only escalated when there was no one else to take him in. And even then I may have been rejecting of him, or at least inconsistently accepting. So the idea of how I hold my son in my heart while extremely important is confusing. Because my desire to hold my son in my heart as adored, at least today, can only be sustained when he is lost, and I do not know where. I know on at least one or two levels I do adore him, but I am less sure it is in the here and now moment when I interact with him or see or feel the consequences of his behaviors. I am human. And then there is the more confusing question still, in that each of us, cannot but see my son through the lens of their own adored difficult children. SWOT and Cedar, you cannot help but respond to my son and my situation based upon your own experience with your own children. And our situations while, similar, are different. And I am left with my own. And I am the only one who can rightfully and fully see him as he has been, was, is, and as I want him to be. If I am confused, where does this leave me? With a choice of a stance about who he is to me and who I want him to be? Or a reality defined by a set of facts? M has been for a long time trying to get me to see this. He has counseled me and pleaded with me that I have it within me to choose love and act from love. Not fear. Not hostility. Not doubt. With hope. With trust. With responsibility. With strength. Steady state. Like his Mother does with all of her children. But what he has seen so far is a me, as if Bi-polar. Cycling. Manic. Frantic. Reactive. Furious. Depressed. Desolate. A hundred different pathological states, all of them fueled by love and fear. I can know where I stand, but I do not know where to stand. Because I for a long time have not worked out so well as a parent or a mother. And my son is floundering and at risk and vulnerable and I do not know where to stand. Or what to do. I want to take my son in and trust him. And help him stabilize and give him a hand as my family and my beloved child. And when I am in this space there is nothing that matters other than this. Except I will not put M in a position that he does not want to be. And it seems he may have doubts about my son in the house. Despite his assurances. So I guess this is how a decision will be made. Negotiated. Somewhere between choices for what we want and hope for...and what we know as reality. PS You do know how worried about my son I am and how hard it is to not know where he is. This is the exact thing that M and the psychiatrist point out as what I need to change. That I cannot yet but must be able detach my emotions from the person running around on the street somewhere. I tell myself if he was only on his liver medicine I could handle it. Because I did so for long, when he was actually homeless. I am uncertain what has changed. Could it be that I have? And that I am getting worse, not stronger, but worse? I am grateful for your support. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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