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Family of Origin
Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 662457" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi SeekingStrength,</p><p></p><p>Here is something rather extraordinary. Here from the trenches the pain is not so great once expressed, viewed and understood, and most of all shared with others.</p><p></p><p>Would your husband be accompanying you to the family get together at the restaurant? If so, how does he feel about going? How does it affect him the feelings your parents have had of him all of these years?</p><p></p><p></p><p>When I have read your posts on other threads about your son, I have been struck by the unity and strength you hold as a couple.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps that could be part of the reason for your parents' feelings. With your husband you became stronger and less vulnerable to them, their ideas, and influence. Perhaps there is jealousy there.</p><p></p><p>That said, I would say that any decision about the family gathering is best made by your husband and you as a couple.</p><p></p><p>If your parents do not respect you and your husband as a couple, what do you do with that? So we go back to Cedar's post to you.</p><p></p><p>The marriage itself may be the elephant in the room. And your son might be giving ammunition to your parents to fight a covert battle against the marriage which would really be a battle against you. That your worth as a person, a grown adult woman to decide for herself about your fundamental interests, is what is at stake, at least in your parents' eyes.</p><p></p><p>Now as far as I am concerned, you could still go or not go to the party. Because the important thing is to know what is at stake, that what is the real subject at hand being discussed.</p><p></p><p>For us on the thread what hurt us most of all is that we did not accept or understand the fundamental, covert conversation in our families of which we a part (or in my case apart.)</p><p></p><p>If you are with your husband and both of you know and understand, going in to the party what the whispering and the hidden conversation is really about: Your right to be a grown self-determining woman and to choose a husband. No matter what they cannot touch you and the two of you together. Because you will always know. It doesn't matter the specifics and the content this particular time.</p><p></p><p>PS I am adding a postscript here which completely turns on its head my earlier post. Your son may well be empowering a toxic conversation knowingly and with malice. And your parents may be hearing and using this toxic and destructive information with the same malice and intent.</p><p></p><p>So, I am coming to stand with Cedar on this. Who could or should withstand this toxicity directed towards her marriage by a united front of this sort?</p><p></p><p>You suspect an alliance between your flailing and destructive adult child and your equally destructive but focused and deliberate FOO. I am sorry, SeekingStrength, I barely know you. But I find the idea of this to be very ugly indeed.</p><p></p><p>The idea that my parents might be empowering the destructiveness my own child who I love, as a way to undermine me and my marriage. Not a pretty picture.</p><p></p><p>Cedar's instincts are unfailingly good.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 662457, member: 18958"] Hi SeekingStrength, Here is something rather extraordinary. Here from the trenches the pain is not so great once expressed, viewed and understood, and most of all shared with others. Would your husband be accompanying you to the family get together at the restaurant? If so, how does he feel about going? How does it affect him the feelings your parents have had of him all of these years? When I have read your posts on other threads about your son, I have been struck by the unity and strength you hold as a couple. Perhaps that could be part of the reason for your parents' feelings. With your husband you became stronger and less vulnerable to them, their ideas, and influence. Perhaps there is jealousy there. That said, I would say that any decision about the family gathering is best made by your husband and you as a couple. If your parents do not respect you and your husband as a couple, what do you do with that? So we go back to Cedar's post to you. The marriage itself may be the elephant in the room. And your son might be giving ammunition to your parents to fight a covert battle against the marriage which would really be a battle against you. That your worth as a person, a grown adult woman to decide for herself about your fundamental interests, is what is at stake, at least in your parents' eyes. Now as far as I am concerned, you could still go or not go to the party. Because the important thing is to know what is at stake, that what is the real subject at hand being discussed. For us on the thread what hurt us most of all is that we did not accept or understand the fundamental, covert conversation in our families of which we a part (or in my case apart.) If you are with your husband and both of you know and understand, going in to the party what the whispering and the hidden conversation is really about: Your right to be a grown self-determining woman and to choose a husband. No matter what they cannot touch you and the two of you together. Because you will always know. It doesn't matter the specifics and the content this particular time. PS I am adding a postscript here which completely turns on its head my earlier post. Your son may well be empowering a toxic conversation knowingly and with malice. And your parents may be hearing and using this toxic and destructive information with the same malice and intent. So, I am coming to stand with Cedar on this. Who could or should withstand this toxicity directed towards her marriage by a united front of this sort? You suspect an alliance between your flailing and destructive adult child and your equally destructive but focused and deliberate FOO. I am sorry, SeekingStrength, I barely know you. But I find the idea of this to be very ugly indeed. The idea that my parents might be empowering the destructiveness my own child who I love, as a way to undermine me and my marriage. Not a pretty picture. Cedar's instincts are unfailingly good. [/QUOTE]
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Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???
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