Hey, where is everybody?

[Kathy813]

The SA forum seems pretty quiet. I hope that is good news and that our difficult child's have all turned into little angels so there is no need to post.

Yeah, right. So I'll update about my difficult child who is definitely not turned into an angel. Her discharge date is now the 15th since I balked at paying for her to stay through the weekend and be discharged on a Monday (they don't discharge on weekends). There is no therapy happening on the weekend so I couldn't see the point of paying $1000 so she could stay an extra two days and be discharged on Monday. That would pay for a month at the halfway house.

difficult child is deciding this week which one she wants to go to. We told her it had to be recommended by the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or we wouldn't help with the costs. She didn't have a problem with that so I am waiting to hear which one so I can talk with the director. I have some very specific concerns that I want out in the open.

I still see some issues but I have to say that she has come far. When she first got there, she stated that she would absolutely not be getting a job down there (she has a job) and that she would not stay in Florida in a half-way house (she's now saying 3 - 6 months). She does have a sponsor who she is close to and spends a lot of time with her. The sponsor is 39 and has been sober for four years so I think that she is good role model for difficult child. difficult child has made a lot of friends through the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that are now in sober houses.

I could list negatives like some recent attempts at manipulation but they told us that progress will not be linear (I love when I get to use a math term in real life lol). I have made my peace with the fact that I cannot make difficult child stay sober . . . it has to be something that she wants. So I have let go and will see what happens. It helps that she is in another state!

Keep good thoughts for us.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

Nice to see you Kathy. I've been wrapped up with having my kitchen floor repaired, sanded and refinished for the past two weeks so my entire house has been disrupted and we have been living in our family room and ordering out every night. I laughed at your linear as I delight in saying that I am cutting off the hypotenuse of the triangle . See I did remember something from math.

How is your difficult child's job? And yes I remember how adament she was about not staying down there and not getting a job so there is progress. And some of the concerns you have are probably never going to go away, I think my difficult child could be in treatment the rest of her life and still would have many traits that would concern the heck out of me. But hopefully living in the sober house and working and making friends down there will all be reasons for her to want to stay sober.

Things have been quiet here regarding difficult child, she comes over once a week to laundry and is putting money from her tips in the bank. She is currently debt free thanks to her income tax refund. She followed through on her commitment to use it all to pay bills so that was a step in the right direction. But then St. Patty's Day is coming up and last year she went downtown and got drunk and smashed into a car and left so I am holding my breath. I truly hate that day, just another excuse to get really drunk.

What did you do about getting difficult child a car down there?

 

[Kathy813]

Wow, has it been that long since I posted? husband drove the car down to difficult child last Friday and flew back on Saturday. It was cheaper than paying someone to put it on a truck and take it down there.

as I delight in saying that I am cutting off the hypotenuse of the triangle

Is this related to the new floor? I'm having trouble figuring out any other reason that you would be cutting off the hypotenuse of a triangle. I am hoping it is a right triangle, though. LOL

It sounds like your difficult child is really trying. I'm proud of her.

Kathy

 

[toughlovin]

I was just thinking of posting a simiar thread Kathy!! I remember posting about the rest of my trip and think it must have gotten lost in the board glitch.....but maybe I didn't. I really cant remember because when I got back I had a horrible horrible cold and have been sick all week but am now finally feeling a lot better... still getting over the cold but am back with the living.

So I checked my last post and see that I didnt say much so what did I tell you all? I dont want to repeat myself!!

I did have a good visit with difficult child although he didnt spend as much time with me as I would have liked. And now I have not heard from him since which kind of bugs me.... I have sent him a FB message and a text and no response. But I know he is in a place where they will call me if things really go awry so I have to assume all is well.

While I was in CA I visited a lot with friends who are the parents of my friend there who has been helping my difficult child and manages the sober house. They had some really good insight for me.... one is that you never stop feeling like the other shoe will drop!! So I need to be prepared for the long haul of this issue.

They also used a math analagy (did I mention this already and did you say you liked it Kathy?)... they said it was not linear... more like a scattergram hopefully going in the right direction!!

So for now I think my difficult child is at least headed in the right direction.... and seeing him was good... and he was warm and caring and polite and I believe pretty honest with me. He seems pretty determined not to be homeless again, he defintiely does not want that.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

they said it was not linear... more like a scattergram hopefully going in the right direction!!

Ooh, I like that!! A scattergram with a strong positive correlation . . . awesome!

It sounds like your trip went really well. I'm glad that your difficult child was warm and loving. That goes a long way. It sounds like that time he spent on the streets really made an impression on him.

Let's hope both of our difficult child's are where they need to be to continue on that line with a positive slope (I just can't stop myself).

Kathy

 

[AmericanGirl]

Thanks for starting this thread, Kathy.

I'm thankful for the good news posted here.

My difficult child has been up and down. He was fired last Friday. I was expecting it as the place he worked basically has a revolving door on it. He started a new job today. Has paid me $1400 back.

I found a vodka bottle in his room Tuesday. Called him. He was with friends and resisted coming home. I picked up my cell, called my best friend and put her on speaker so difficult child could hear. Told her about the bottle and asked her to drive me to where difficult child was so I could get my car. Funny how difficult child got cooperative then and came straight home.

We talked. I did what I warned him I would do...no car, no leaving alone, etc. He doesn't like that but, I could care less. When you break the rules, consequences come.

All in all, he has made much more forward movement than backward steps. However, personally, I'd rather him live elsewhere. I was a LOT happier before he moved back. Just taking it a day at a time and trying to enjoy the good moments.

 

[Nancy]

No my hypotenuse comment is usually made when I'm driving and I find a shortcut that is the hypotenuse of two intersecting streets.

TL your post did get lost in the glitch. It does sound like your difficult child is in a good place. I know you wish you had more contact with him but it may be just as well that he figures this out himself. No news is good news, he is still there.

Slow progress with a few sidesteps but sounds like both your difficult children are moving ahead.

 

[Kathy813]

Aw, AG. Finding that bottle must have made your heart sink. Did he admit to drinking it? Is he going to meetings?

Having them live elsewhere definitely makes it easier to detach. I'm glad that we made it very clear to our difficult child that she will not be moving back here. I am hoping that she decides to stay in Florida.

Stay strong.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

AG I'm sorry I didn't see your post, we were posting at the same time. I'm sure your heart sank when you found the vodka bottle, my heart sank for you. I still remember the sinking feeling I got evrytime I found evidence that my difficult child had relapsed. I agree that it is much easier when they are not in your home, you can be concerned from afar and it's so much easier to detach.

I had to examine my conscience when my difficult child was under 21 and decide if I was more upset that she was drinking underage because of the legal ramifications or was I more upset that she was drinking at all. It was a difficut conversation I had with myself. Once she turned 21 the legal consequences were gone except for a possible DUI of course. Her drug use was far more worrisome to me.

We can't keep our difficult children sober. It's good you took the car. My only concern is that you become a prisoner in your home. You can't watch him every moment and if he wants to find a way out he will.

 

[toughlovin]

AG - My heart sank for you too.... I think it is good you took the stand on the car and followed through.... but yeah you cant keep him sober. It is so much harder to detach when they are home and you see what they were doing. I was reminded of this when I was in CA.... as I dropped my son off after an afternoon that was very frustrating and so he just asked to go back and I was feeling a bit blown off..... I saw him leaving on his bike. My first thought was oh man he is going down to find drugs, maybe I shoud follow him. I actually considered following him for a split second!!! Which would have been old behavior and absolutey crazy and the wrong thing for me to do!!! I think I would have come to my senses but luckily he saw me turning around to leave, stopped and waited for me, we had a short and nice convo and he told me he was going to a meeting (I had not asked what he was doing). I of course never know if he was telling me the truth but trust that he was.... and I think he is in a pretty strict sober house this time where they absolutely do not let anyone stay if they are not staying clean.

But that feeling of the other shoe potentially dropping was so strong when I was with him that I had to watch my own reactions to things. It is much much easier sometimes not to know what is going on.

You really cant police his substance use or his friendships. You certainly can limit use of your car. I dont know about your difficult child but mine lives to break rules, and especially my rules. The more I set up rules the more he tried to get around them and would. It was a game to him. Which is why we are both better off with him not living here so that I dont have to make any rules for him.

TL

 

[FlowerGarden]

I am glad to hear the good news about your daughter. I think some manipulation from our difficult children will always be present. We just have to always be on guard for it, unfortunately. My difficult child has been doing well for over a year now but just gave me a scare. He was acting as if he was using again but told me it was from the doctor weaning him off suboxone. I searched online and withdrawal from it did fit how he was acting. I still wasn't sure though, and then remembered I could look up his prescription orders online. I didn't see an order for it since he went to the doctor last. It's been about 2 weeks now and he is acting better. I am pleased with his progress but still so very nervous that he might falter again. I hope he can stay strong!

 

[rejectedmom]

Hi all, Glad to hear some good news and sorry for those of you who are still struggling. difficult child's parole board hearing was postponed so we still do not know his fate on the violation. We have been busy getting easy child/difficult child's place ready for him to move back into next week. It will be good to have my home back to myself again but I am woried about him as he isn't real good about taking his medication. The last snoe and wind storm hit the beach hard but we luckily went unscathed although our neighbors had damage to their houses. My cousin has cancer and is only 59. The treatments didn't work and she has been told she has about 4 months to live. Lots of other stressful stuff going on. Might post in the water cooler later about the rest. -RM