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Parent Emeritus
Hi all- so happy to have found that we are so not alone.
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<blockquote data-quote="elizabrary" data-source="post: 748383" data-attributes="member: 11235"><p>I did this years ago with my daughter. I literally wrote out the rules I expected her to abide by. If I were you I would have all of your expectations written down, including specifically what financial support (if any) you will provide. If you are cutting him off completely financially I would put that in your document. If you do this you have to be prepared to stick to the boundaries you have put in place and you have to be ready for him to up the ante with his bad behavior, which is almost certain to happen. My daughter would call and call my phones and leave insane, screaming messages. I had to turn my phones off many times and just delete the messages without listening to them. It literally took her probably a year to realize I was serious about the boundaries I set. Things are much better now and she rarely oversteps. When I wrote up my rules for her she and my infant granddaughter were moving in with me again. I had items like she had to have a job in 2 weeks and she had to pay me 30% of her wages for household expenses. It doesn't sound like he will be moving in with you but if there are specific expectations you have of him in order to receive support (financial or otherwise) from you I would spell those out very specifically. I don't mind helping my daughter when she's helping herself. Is he in debt with bookies? Who knows, but if he is that is HIS problem he needs to fix on his own. If I were you I would also call the lease holder on his housing, explain the situation and ask if you can be taken off as cosigner. I'm guessing they'll want you to "buy" out of it, but you might as well try.</p><p></p><p>Once you cut him off he will likely try to get other friends/relatives on his side by telling them how awful you are and how you abandoned him. I knew this was coming with my daughter when I kicked her out for not following the rules so I got ahead of her. I called my parents (who are wealthy and I knew she would go to for financial assistance) and gave them a brief description of what was going on with her. I asked that they not help her as it would encourage the continued poor behavior. Did they help her? I have no idea. But I couldn't control that. All I could do was inform them and ask that they get with the program. If there are a number of people you think he might go to you might send them emails briefly explaining he is struggling and asking that they not bail him out. I know this is super hard, scary and stressful. But it is the best for all of you. Once you cut him off I suggest you have lots of things planned to keep yourself busy so your brain doesn't dwell on what's going on with your son. This is a great time for you to focus on getting yourself healthy and happy and breaking the cycle of codependency. My daughter floundered for several years. But over the last 5 years she has been relatively stable with housing, a job, and even community college. Her sobriety has been up and down, but she has not been as bad as she was previously. Her life is certainly not what I would choose, but that's not up to me. Sending peace your way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elizabrary, post: 748383, member: 11235"] I did this years ago with my daughter. I literally wrote out the rules I expected her to abide by. If I were you I would have all of your expectations written down, including specifically what financial support (if any) you will provide. If you are cutting him off completely financially I would put that in your document. If you do this you have to be prepared to stick to the boundaries you have put in place and you have to be ready for him to up the ante with his bad behavior, which is almost certain to happen. My daughter would call and call my phones and leave insane, screaming messages. I had to turn my phones off many times and just delete the messages without listening to them. It literally took her probably a year to realize I was serious about the boundaries I set. Things are much better now and she rarely oversteps. When I wrote up my rules for her she and my infant granddaughter were moving in with me again. I had items like she had to have a job in 2 weeks and she had to pay me 30% of her wages for household expenses. It doesn't sound like he will be moving in with you but if there are specific expectations you have of him in order to receive support (financial or otherwise) from you I would spell those out very specifically. I don't mind helping my daughter when she's helping herself. Is he in debt with bookies? Who knows, but if he is that is HIS problem he needs to fix on his own. If I were you I would also call the lease holder on his housing, explain the situation and ask if you can be taken off as cosigner. I'm guessing they'll want you to "buy" out of it, but you might as well try. Once you cut him off he will likely try to get other friends/relatives on his side by telling them how awful you are and how you abandoned him. I knew this was coming with my daughter when I kicked her out for not following the rules so I got ahead of her. I called my parents (who are wealthy and I knew she would go to for financial assistance) and gave them a brief description of what was going on with her. I asked that they not help her as it would encourage the continued poor behavior. Did they help her? I have no idea. But I couldn't control that. All I could do was inform them and ask that they get with the program. If there are a number of people you think he might go to you might send them emails briefly explaining he is struggling and asking that they not bail him out. I know this is super hard, scary and stressful. But it is the best for all of you. Once you cut him off I suggest you have lots of things planned to keep yourself busy so your brain doesn't dwell on what's going on with your son. This is a great time for you to focus on getting yourself healthy and happy and breaking the cycle of codependency. My daughter floundered for several years. But over the last 5 years she has been relatively stable with housing, a job, and even community college. Her sobriety has been up and down, but she has not been as bad as she was previously. Her life is certainly not what I would choose, but that's not up to me. Sending peace your way. [/QUOTE]
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Hi all- so happy to have found that we are so not alone.
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