Hi, how is everyone doing?
- Thread starter LetGo
- Start date
Feeling sad and angry. Lots of thoughts of our son, Josh. Wondering how he's holding up in the Phoenix heat, why he won't contact us, if he ever thinks of us. Praying over and over. Wondering if this is how the story ends, with us not knowing what happened to him and lots of questions.
Sorry to be so negative.
Sorry to be so negative.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Beta. What we go through is the hardest thing in the world. How do you go through "the hardest thing in the world" with a happy face?
I guess I manage to compartmentalize things. When I go to work, I set aside my thoughts and emotions on what we're going through. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to focus and do what I need to do. During the day, I stay busy and try to keep my mind focused on other things. The hardest time is at night, especially in the middle of the night when I awaken briefly. Sometimes I have to take a dog outside, and I look up at the stars and wonder where he is and if he's okay. I pray and ask God to surround him with His protection and grace. Prayer is all I have. Sometimes when I'm cooking something, I will allow myself to daydream about how great it would be to have him here, enjoying the meal with us.
I don't know what else to do anymore. I've posted on Phoenix facebook pages and no longer get much of any response from people. I guess people have seen it before and no longer bother. I've got a missing person's report filed but I don't know that that will offer anything. I'm afraid that I may never see or hear from him again. I try not to dwell on that though because I know the story is not over yet and anything could happen.
I don't know what else to do anymore. I've posted on Phoenix facebook pages and no longer get much of any response from people. I guess people have seen it before and no longer bother. I've got a missing person's report filed but I don't know that that will offer anything. I'm afraid that I may never see or hear from him again. I try not to dwell on that though because I know the story is not over yet and anything could happen.
Please don't apologize. That's why we are here and lucky to have this place. I believe we all share sad and angry feelings about our kids. Hugs, LetGo
Thank you, LetGo. This is the only place I can vent safely.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
The iteration where I am now with our story, mine and Joseph's is that I need to set firm boundaries. I write the word "need" not like a to do list. It's as if I require boundaries to stay alive. Emotionally alive. They rise up from my body. I just can't do what I use to do.
I don't want him in my house. Even to visit, when it's just him and me. He asks to stay with M and M has had it too. He invents excuses but we just don't have it in us anymore. I find impossible to bear my son's emotional and mental disorganization, his inability or unwillingness to acknowledge or understand my needs and wants.
This enrages my son who basically interprets it as "You don't love me," "You're sorry you adopted me" and worst of all, "I hope I die soon." My son can't see that both of us are in a situation that we didn't want. I didn't want a separation from him and tried for years and years to stay close (10,000 posts) He can only see his side.
What I am trying to say here is that I am forced to acknowledge that every text or call may be the last. My son experiences any boundaries or limits on my part as complete rejections not only of behaviors, or of him but of his ultimate existence. It's horribly painful. But I can't anymore choose against myself. What I did before was deny myself. I can't do it.
Beta. How is your husband doing?
Copa,
I'm glad you have set boundaries with yourself to care for yourself emotionally and mentally, to prevent further trauma within you. It's absolutely reasonable to do so. I also understand the grief you feel in not being able to withstand his presence in your home. It's the total opposite of the joy and delight we once had in being with our child. The last time we had Josh here, April - June of 2022, it was difficult to have him here. He was surly and isolated himself in his room, and did his best to not spend time with us. I also knew he was drinking in his room (and I don't mean just one or two beers), and this was very triggering to me as I had grown up with one alcoholic parent and an alcoholic step-parent.
Now I wonder if he is so far gone it would be impossible to be around him. I don't want to know the details of his life on the streets but I know it's degrading and dangerous and it has to change people. I know that only God can bring about a heart transformation in him and that's only if he surrenders to God's direction in his life. I would like to go to Phoenix and try to find him but that isn't possible right now. I sometimes wonder if God is not blocking that desire in order to protect me from further emotional trauma, and I know it would be very traumatic to see him as he is currently living, not to mention the possibility that he might refuse to even talk to me.
I'm not sure what is more difficult--not seeing your child or knowing where they are, if they're alive or dead, and living with that unknown day to day or having contact with them and seeing up close the deterioration in them and having to keep them at arm's length for your own sanity and wellbeing.
My husband's treatment is going very well. (Thank you for asking). His labs are within normal now. He has progressed to every other week for chemotherapy and he takes a chemo drug every night. The next step is once a month (not sure how long for that). Then his doctor is recommending a stem cell transplant and thinks he's a good candidate for that. The chemo often makes him very tired, foggy brained, weak, and just not feeling well. So we press on, knowing things could be far, far worse. We know of one gentleman who had prostate cancer, and he has been undergoing treatment for the last 17 months (!!) and still has 7 months to go.
I'm glad you have set boundaries with yourself to care for yourself emotionally and mentally, to prevent further trauma within you. It's absolutely reasonable to do so. I also understand the grief you feel in not being able to withstand his presence in your home. It's the total opposite of the joy and delight we once had in being with our child. The last time we had Josh here, April - June of 2022, it was difficult to have him here. He was surly and isolated himself in his room, and did his best to not spend time with us. I also knew he was drinking in his room (and I don't mean just one or two beers), and this was very triggering to me as I had grown up with one alcoholic parent and an alcoholic step-parent.
Now I wonder if he is so far gone it would be impossible to be around him. I don't want to know the details of his life on the streets but I know it's degrading and dangerous and it has to change people. I know that only God can bring about a heart transformation in him and that's only if he surrenders to God's direction in his life. I would like to go to Phoenix and try to find him but that isn't possible right now. I sometimes wonder if God is not blocking that desire in order to protect me from further emotional trauma, and I know it would be very traumatic to see him as he is currently living, not to mention the possibility that he might refuse to even talk to me.
I'm not sure what is more difficult--not seeing your child or knowing where they are, if they're alive or dead, and living with that unknown day to day or having contact with them and seeing up close the deterioration in them and having to keep them at arm's length for your own sanity and wellbeing.
My husband's treatment is going very well. (Thank you for asking). His labs are within normal now. He has progressed to every other week for chemotherapy and he takes a chemo drug every night. The next step is once a month (not sure how long for that). Then his doctor is recommending a stem cell transplant and thinks he's a good candidate for that. The chemo often makes him very tired, foggy brained, weak, and just not feeling well. So we press on, knowing things could be far, far worse. We know of one gentleman who had prostate cancer, and he has been undergoing treatment for the last 17 months (!!) and still has 7 months to go.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Me too. Love, Copa
