Hi,new here! need help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Staceyl, Sep 22, 2007.

  1. Staceyl

    Staceyl New Member

    Hi,just found this site today and i hope that it might be able to help me.
    A while back my psychiatrist who was also seeing my son asked me if i would mind having him tested for add. When he 1st asked me i was like "ok" but after thinking about it some i decided that i didnt want him tested.I dint think that there was anything wrong with him,he was just a typical little boy and he would grow out of whatever it was that he was doing.
    Starting in about 2nd grade my son was having a little bit of trouble in school,he wasnt paying attention,he wouldnt know what the teacher was talking about,he wouldnt write his homework assignments down .....the list could go on. He never failed any of his subjects but his grades were not that good. He got through 2nd grade and when he got to 3rd it was hard,he was still having the same problems.In both grades his teachers put him right next to their desk thinking that it might help him.We had his hearing and his eyes tested to see if those were hindering his learning. Still he was forgetting most of the things that he needed to bring home with him and i just didnt know what to do.Most of the other kids in his class were doing what they were supposed to but not him. I didnt know if he was just lazy and didnt want to do the work or what was going on. It really didnt help that i did not get along with his 2nd and 3rd grade teachers. i felt like they were judging me. judging my actions as a parent. Thankfully he got through the 3rd grade and now he is in 4th at a new school.
    He has only been in school for about 3 weeks now and his teacher asked me to come in to talk. I went in feeling nervous because ive been through this before,i honestly do not know what i could have done or what i can do to help him learn better. Not long after we started talking she asked me if he had ever been tested for add and i told her no.I did tell here that someone had asked me to get him tested but we never went through with it. She told me that she thinks that i should get him tested,she has been a teacher for over 20yrs and both of her boys have add. She said that she see's some of the same things that her boys did in my son. He is a smart little boy and all his teacher have said that they can tell that he wants to learn and he wants to be there in the moment but he cant. its like he is lost,like he is zoned out.
    I have had issues with him at home also. He doesnt seem to listen to anything that i say,unless i am right there by his side it just doesnt get done. I can tell him to go into his room to get a shirt,he will come out a few minutes later with a blank look on his face.So i will be like "K, where is the shirt that i asked you to get"? and he will say "oh,yeah i went in there but i forgot what i was supposed to get.
    there are many more things that he does that makes me think that maybe there is something going on with him.
    We have his dr's appointment on wed. so hopefully they can help me. i'm just a little bit worried because i feel like there are some dr's that are 2 quick to say that a child has add but then i also feel like there are dr's that are 2 quick to say that its something that they will grow out of.....
    I just want help understanding what my child is going through......
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Stacey! Glad you found our Board. I know that you will
    be thrilled to know that you are not alone and that there are lots of really nice people who understand your fears and your

    I am not going to address the ADD or ADHD issue in this post because I'm a tired cranky person tonight and I don't want to be
    too blunt or sounds rude. I have lived with the challenge of having an ADHD child for over forty years. I am raising two of her
    children who both have ADHD. The bottom line is this. None of us wanted to have our children tested, diagnosed or medicated.
    on the other hand, I am 100% convinced that it is completely necessary to find
    out what needs our children have and help them feel comfortable
    with themselves as they develop. Many of us have ADD or ADHD
    children who are extremely bright, very proficient in some area
    in addition to academics and overall wonderful kids.

    Testing for ADD/ADHD does not include blood tests, urine tests,
    complicated brain scans etc. Testing is based mostly on personal
    evaluations by parents and teachers and MD's. The most common
    "test" is called (if I remember correctly) the Conner scale where
    adults give their opinions on how the child behaves compared to
    the norm. It can not hurt him in any way.

    Glad to have you here and soon (the weekends are slow) others
    closer to your own age will respond and hopefully address your
    concerns in a way that makes you comfortable. Hugs. DDD
  3. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    My sons had QEEG tests done to help determine ADHD/ADD. We also filled out questionaires about each of them (there teachers did too) as well as spoke with the doctor. The tests aren't harmful at all. I do think having him tested is the best thing you can do for him.

    Imagine having something wrong with you and not being able to communicate what it was. Imagine how frustrated you would become when people expect certain things from you and you can't deliver. The best thing you can do for him is to know what's wrong and get him help. Whether its a new diet, medication or another route.

    If he gets the help he needs, his frustration level will come down, your frustration level will come down and so will his teachers. ADHD/ADD is not something that you can grow out of, at least this is how I feel about it. I swear my husband has it.

    The testing is simple and besides taking some time, is painless. Knowing how to help your son overcome obstacles is the best way you can help him.

    It doesn't mean everything will be perfect after you receive a diagnosis, but it will help you help him to get on the right path. It will also help his teachers understand his needs better.

    Welcome to the board, don't be scared to share your feelings. We are here to help you in any way we can and offer our support. There are some great people on here with a variety of opinions. I don't think you could ask for anything better, so you can hear different ideas and make a decision that fits you and your son best.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Getting tested is a good thing. As you've been told, it does not mean blood tests or the like. Most of it is in the form of questionnaires. It is crucial they be answered as honestly as possible. Don't downplay something because you are afraid what it might mean. Don't overstate something because you think it will make you or your child look bad. It sounds like you have a very caring teacher who is in your son's corner. She may be able to recommend someone she trusts for the testing since her sons have it. It may be difficult to hear an official label but imagine how difficult it is for your son.

    My daughter has ADHD. She could not tolerate the medications because of some minor physical problems but we did get her accommodations in school to help her with focussing and to help her from being sent to the office constantly.

    Whether we like it or not, people are going to judge us. If your son does have ADD or ADHD or some other ailment, some will think it is due to poor parenting no matter what you do. Heck, you could have the most perfect child in the world and people would say your child is perfect because you're a control freak. In this world, you just can't win, so the best you can do is what you think is best for your chldren.

    You've found a great group here. There really isn't anything you could say or do that hasn't been said or done here before (well, almost anything -- I don't think anyone has truly murdered their child although most of us have considered that a time or two).
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    HI Stacey & Welcome

    My son was diagnosed with severe ADHD. He's 17 and out of our home now due to his behavior. Looking back I would ask myself from time to time if I was sure I covered all the bases for a correct diagnosis, to get the correct help or medication. I can honestly say without a shred of doubt I did. I was methodical in my task and still, little results. I have been told to think what my son would be like WITHOUT the interventions. THAT makes me cringe.

    My son got a psychiatric evaluation from a prominent psychiatrist to begin with. Then a few tests in school to see where he fit academically. With each suggestion, book or medications trial I was hopeful and optimistic that I would find the ONE thing, a shot, a pill, a doctor, a buddy, a wish he would change. He's been in therapy since he was 6 years old. He hasn't changed much, and in some ways he's gotten worse.

    The one thing that DID help us tremendously was being in family therapy. He went 1 hour a week whether he participated or just sat in the docs office and stared at the wall. We went 1 hr. a week as a family. And eventually I just went on my own to learn how to be a better parent who meant what she said. With this difficult child I've had a lifetime of heartache, broken dreams and health issues.

    Scared yet? Don't be. None of us here can tell you what is wrong with your son. That's a journey you'll have to travel with him. It could just be a dietary issue, an allergy, he's angry about something he can't let go of, he's genetically predisposed to be like he is. Don't beat yourself up.

    IF there was one parent on this board that has been through life with a difficult child and not felt guilty for finding the cure I want to shake their hand. Labels only get you help with your child in school and possibly with services to support your family and give them a break from time to time.

    A diagnosis does not mean a cure. I wish this board had been around when my son was younger and someone had told me that in the beginning. ADHD isn't like the flu. You don't find out whats wrong and get a shot or a pill. A diagnosis is only a suggestion of what could be wrong and a better handle on which way for the family identify and contain the stressors, situations that will cause acting out, and potential stock in Kleenex.

    Your journey with your son is just beginning. If I had one single best bit of advice for a newbie it would be to get into therapy NOW and learn how to be the type of parent you're going to have to be to successfully parent this child and not let guilt ruin your relationship, marriage and life.

    The last three years in therapy have been the absolute best thing for me and my relationship with my son. He however chooses to continue making bad choices, but I don't feel the need to own them or continually be in knots about how he behaves in public or at home. I guess that's the best advice from me to you - that and USE this boards resources. There are a ton of archived fles, material, questions are asked here and everyone has their own take on the What would you do questions. I love it. I may just hear the answer I didn't want to - but there's lots of wisdom here.

    Anyway - welcome to the family - we're an odd little group but we know each other here.