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Hmmm....I could use opinions
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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 316860" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>Well, I just finished writing difficult child the longest letter I've ever written him. It's going in with a card about a person finding strength they didn't know they had. A lot of the letter was about more light-hearted topics to respond to a few other things he had written me about.</p><p></p><p>Then, I told him I'd received a call from his old therapist who's doing difficult child's IEE and he should be seeing him within a couple of weeks. I talked about mood changes this time of year being common for a lot of people and that if he noticed any change in himself, he should tell his old therapist during their talk. I talked about it not necessarily meaning he is bipolar or that he needed to go back on medications but if it turned out that he did, it was not that big of a deal.</p><p></p><p>Then, I told him I understood about things being hard to talk about and needing a certain level of comfort before opening up about them to therapist. I also reassured him that these were typical teenage self-doubts that adults understood because we have all been teens before. In regards to friendships and privileges I give him, I first reiterated our individual objectives- his being time with friends (like he has a lot but, ok), more privileges and independence. Mine being his safety, to stay out of trouble, and do the best he can in school. (That might seem controlling to some but I think it's what a parent's objective should be.)</p><p></p><p>Then, I tactfully and in a supportive way (I think) talked about how it comes across to me when I see him making friends who do not care about staying safe or out of trouble or what happens at school. I noted that it appears to me that he makes friends with kids like this after something has already started going wrong- like there is a problem that isn't being solved. And when I see this, I am not going to give him more privileges because I know it either means he doesn't care (therefore he doesn't deserve them) or he's trying but is less likely to be able to maintain. (To me, it's like any other privilege- a parent does not give it to the kid if the kid is showing that he/she is not responsible enough to handle it. I know I can't make these choices for him but he's not going to get the same results from me, just like the legal system or the sd, if he makes poor choices instead of good ones.)</p><p></p><p>If his goal is to make friends who try to stay out of trouble and have a future for themselves but he's having trouble making friends like that, then I told him I thought a therapist or his future mentor (who will be a man) could help with that, once he opens up to someone. When I see that he is trrying to make friends like that and making good choices for himself, he will get more independence and privileges. </p><p></p><p>Then I told him I understand being angry and saying a bunch of stuff to me but that some things were real issues so if he wants to think about it and write this stuff out and let me know what were the bigger issues to him, that would be fine. (I only brought that up because in therapy sessions, all I seem to get is an attack from him and therapist looking at me like I'm a horrid parent then looking at me like she doesn't believe me if I try to correct anything he said or give reasons why I did stuff- like take away his cell phone.)</p><p></p><p>If difficult child can decipher himself what is a vent and what's really bugging him, then tell me so we can work on it, it will help a lot. This therapist is just not going to be involved that long and as I've already told PO, some of this stuff has to be worked out before I'm comfortable bringing difficult child home and once he's home, I CANNOT go back to his needs being a full time job.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 316860, member: 3699"] Well, I just finished writing difficult child the longest letter I've ever written him. It's going in with a card about a person finding strength they didn't know they had. A lot of the letter was about more light-hearted topics to respond to a few other things he had written me about. Then, I told him I'd received a call from his old therapist who's doing difficult child's IEE and he should be seeing him within a couple of weeks. I talked about mood changes this time of year being common for a lot of people and that if he noticed any change in himself, he should tell his old therapist during their talk. I talked about it not necessarily meaning he is bipolar or that he needed to go back on medications but if it turned out that he did, it was not that big of a deal. Then, I told him I understood about things being hard to talk about and needing a certain level of comfort before opening up about them to therapist. I also reassured him that these were typical teenage self-doubts that adults understood because we have all been teens before. In regards to friendships and privileges I give him, I first reiterated our individual objectives- his being time with friends (like he has a lot but, ok), more privileges and independence. Mine being his safety, to stay out of trouble, and do the best he can in school. (That might seem controlling to some but I think it's what a parent's objective should be.) Then, I tactfully and in a supportive way (I think) talked about how it comes across to me when I see him making friends who do not care about staying safe or out of trouble or what happens at school. I noted that it appears to me that he makes friends with kids like this after something has already started going wrong- like there is a problem that isn't being solved. And when I see this, I am not going to give him more privileges because I know it either means he doesn't care (therefore he doesn't deserve them) or he's trying but is less likely to be able to maintain. (To me, it's like any other privilege- a parent does not give it to the kid if the kid is showing that he/she is not responsible enough to handle it. I know I can't make these choices for him but he's not going to get the same results from me, just like the legal system or the sd, if he makes poor choices instead of good ones.) If his goal is to make friends who try to stay out of trouble and have a future for themselves but he's having trouble making friends like that, then I told him I thought a therapist or his future mentor (who will be a man) could help with that, once he opens up to someone. When I see that he is trrying to make friends like that and making good choices for himself, he will get more independence and privileges. Then I told him I understand being angry and saying a bunch of stuff to me but that some things were real issues so if he wants to think about it and write this stuff out and let me know what were the bigger issues to him, that would be fine. (I only brought that up because in therapy sessions, all I seem to get is an attack from him and therapist looking at me like I'm a horrid parent then looking at me like she doesn't believe me if I try to correct anything he said or give reasons why I did stuff- like take away his cell phone.) If difficult child can decipher himself what is a vent and what's really bugging him, then tell me so we can work on it, it will help a lot. This therapist is just not going to be involved that long and as I've already told PO, some of this stuff has to be worked out before I'm comfortable bringing difficult child home and once he's home, I CANNOT go back to his needs being a full time job. [/QUOTE]
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