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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 681857" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>We cannot control another person, now adult, who is making adult choices.</p><p></p><p>It may seem like other families have children that are uniformly thriving but you do not see behind the front door. I feel virtually certain that other parents, possibly your friends, look at your family, your sons, and believe that all is well.</p><p></p><p>Nobody lives like a TV show. More like a reality show.</p><p></p><p>For right now, try to be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up does not help. There is time to deal with the situation. Give yourself that time.</p><p></p><p>I believe your younger may feel caught in the middle between, either responsible to mediate or supervise. What a tough situation for him. And for you and husband, and for your oldest.</p><p></p><p>This week there will be time to think about how you want to respond.</p><p></p><p>There may have been an element of conscious choice in the behavior of your eldest son. Could he be using his behavior to convey to you that he is over his head and needs your intervention? To demand that he seek treatment as a condition for your support?</p><p></p><p>One thing I have learned is that our adult children need us to set a strong boundary, as much or more than they did when they were young. They need us to strongly take a stand to protect our homes and ourselves...somehow this helps them to do so themselves...to stand up for themselves.</p><p></p><p>Heroin addiction is such a problem in the USA among middle class kids that it became a subject in the Democratic Town Hall Debate tonight in Ohio, I think it was. In my own family my niece became a binge alcoholic by the time she was 18. Her mother is a law school professor, and prides herself in being an excellent mother.</p><p></p><p>There is no room here for self-attack and self-blame. If you decide you deserve that then the rest of us will have to fall on our swords, as well. I do not want to. It will hurt.</p><p></p><p>You are a fine mother. And you are not the first mother nor will you be the last that believes in her sons with all of her heart and soul.</p><p></p><p>Believe in yourself now. That you will get through this and do the right thing. And your son will too, with you as a model.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 681857, member: 18958"] We cannot control another person, now adult, who is making adult choices. It may seem like other families have children that are uniformly thriving but you do not see behind the front door. I feel virtually certain that other parents, possibly your friends, look at your family, your sons, and believe that all is well. Nobody lives like a TV show. More like a reality show. For right now, try to be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up does not help. There is time to deal with the situation. Give yourself that time. I believe your younger may feel caught in the middle between, either responsible to mediate or supervise. What a tough situation for him. And for you and husband, and for your oldest. This week there will be time to think about how you want to respond. There may have been an element of conscious choice in the behavior of your eldest son. Could he be using his behavior to convey to you that he is over his head and needs your intervention? To demand that he seek treatment as a condition for your support? One thing I have learned is that our adult children need us to set a strong boundary, as much or more than they did when they were young. They need us to strongly take a stand to protect our homes and ourselves...somehow this helps them to do so themselves...to stand up for themselves. Heroin addiction is such a problem in the USA among middle class kids that it became a subject in the Democratic Town Hall Debate tonight in Ohio, I think it was. In my own family my niece became a binge alcoholic by the time she was 18. Her mother is a law school professor, and prides herself in being an excellent mother. There is no room here for self-attack and self-blame. If you decide you deserve that then the rest of us will have to fall on our swords, as well. I do not want to. It will hurt. You are a fine mother. And you are not the first mother nor will you be the last that believes in her sons with all of her heart and soul. Believe in yourself now. That you will get through this and do the right thing. And your son will too, with you as a model. COPA [/QUOTE]
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