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Hi Sabrina I am so sorry that you lost your son in that way. It sounds devastating to have to deal with that and the choices your other son has made. So much sadness. Your path is not an easy one and one you did not choose. It sounds like you have a lot of grieving to do which counseling can help with. You are still here and have beautiful grandchildren. I hope that you will find a way that you can be more at peace and find your fulfilment in life. Big hug to you