How did I get here!

SabrinaG

New Member
Hello, This Jan 1 will be 13 years since my son was killed. He was 19. My surviving son Ray is now 33 and an active addict an is homeless. He has 2 beautiful children that I had to help his mom gain full custody of. We have not spoken in almost 3 years other than horrible text messages he sends me, I have now blocked him. He's very abusive, has charges against him from girls that he has assaulted. He drinks 24/7 and will do any drug you place in front of him. I know loosing my son MIck really hit him hard, they were best friends but its not an excuse to say FTW and especially your kids and wife. He put them thru so much and I had to protect them. My final straw was he drove drunk with my grandbabies and I mean drunk, he could barely walk he was so intoxicated. That day i had to make him leave. He told me to mourn him like I do his brother and that is exactly what I do, that and wait for a call telling me he's dead. I just dont know how I got here. My sons are my life and I always pictured us together and doing fun things with their kids. But my youngest will never be a father and my oldest just threw it all away.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. I am so very sorry for all you been through. Have you gone to therapy? Do you go now?I find it helps.

You still have your grandchildren. Do you see them often? Are you able to be a big part of their lives? All is not lost. Do you have friends, hobbies, groups you belong g to? Church helps me.

None of us expect to be here.

Prayers and love to you. Don't give up! we are here for you.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry. That is a lot of sorrow. You can't allow yourself to be abused. Consider counseling, if you haven't done so already. At least for the short term. As you are able, try to help your grandchildren. These are very difficult circumstances you have reported. Others have had to endure very similar. It is not easy...taxing an individual on every front. Cling to your spiritual beliefs if applicable. It can also be of great help.
 

Blighty

Member
Hi Sabrina I am so sorry that you lost your son in that way. It sounds devastating to have to deal with that and the choices your other son has made. So much sadness. Your path is not an easy one and one you did not choose. It sounds like you have a lot of grieving to do which counseling can help with. You are still here and have beautiful grandchildren. I hope that you will find a way that you can be more at peace and find your fulfilment in life. Big hug to you
 

zaphou

New Member
Do you actually call yourself a father?one of your son is dead and the other is going to die if you don't do anything.Are you waiting for him to die?Are you insane?Do something. Just because he is an adult , that doesn't mean it's not also your responsibility.Let me tell you something, if he dies, it's your fault and you're the blame.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I reported this post.

NOBODY CAN SAVE AN ADULT DRUG ADDICT. You really don't get it. At 33, only this adult addict can save himself. 33 year old addicts are legal adults. We have no right to make our ADULTS get well. We can not force them to get well , to do anything. What planet do you live on where adult addicts allow their parents to force them to do what we wish?

At his age he is his own responsibility. I am not sure you really understand that we can't "do something" unless these adults are willing.

My daughter ran across the country when we tried to help. Adults do what they want and we have no control.

If they die due to their refusal to get help and continue to live a dangerous lifestyle, it certainly is not our fault. All of us have begged them to change.

In the end, the only person responsible for ones death, if he is an adult and living a dangerous life, is himself
 
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newstart

Well-Known Member
I reported this post.

NOBODY CAN SAVE AN ADULT DRUG ADDICT. You really don't get it. At 33, only this adult addict can save himself. 33 year old addicts are legal adults. We have no right to make our ADULTS get well. We can not force them to get well , to do anything. What planet do you live on where adult addicts allow their parents to force them to do what we wish?

At his age he is his own responsibility. I am not sure you really understand that we can't "do something" unless these adults are willing.

My daughter ran across the country when we tried to help. Adults do what they want and we have no control.

If they die due to their refusal to get help and continue to live a dangerous lifestyle, it certainly is not our fault. All of us have begged them to change.

In the end, the only person responsible for ones death, if he is an adult and living a dangerous life, is himself
Thank you BusynMember for reporting this awful troll. The post from zaphou needs to be deleted before it causes great harm to an innocent person that is trying to survive such a tragic situation. To SabrinaG, Please know that you came to the right place for support. I am so sorry for your loss and trying to deal with a drug addict. God Bless and hold your broken heart.
 
Thank you BusynMember for reporting this awful troll. The post from zaphou needs to be deleted before it causes great harm to an innocent person that is trying to survive such a tragic situation. To SabrinaG, Please know that you came to the right place for support. I am so sorry for your loss and trying to deal with a drug addict. God Bless and hold your broken heart

Yes, every one of us should stand together and report that person Zaphou for their sick and misguided actions. We are here to lift one another up, it is unnerving to see someone seek out this type of activity. They just want a reaction and i am giving them one. I hope Zaphou can find peace in their lives without victimizing innocent people.
 

zaphou

New Member
First of all, I'm not trying to offend anyone.However, the truth is bitter and it hurts.Second, just because the children are adults now that doesn't mean your not responsible of them anymore.They are your flesh and blood and your most valuable asset.But even they make problems in life or Stubborn, you don't sit aside and give up on them.This mentality of(he or she is 18 now I'm not responsible of him or her anymore)need to end.force him or her if you have to Get them help against their will, they will hate and they will never talk to you.But at least you saved you own children lives.You know that I'm speaking the truth but you chose to deny it.Being honest is never trolling.
 
First of all, I'm not trying to offend anyone.However, the truth is bitter and it hurts.Second, just because the children are adults now that doesn't mean your not responsible of them anymore.They are your flesh and blood and your most valuable asset.But even they make problems in life or Stubborn, you don't sit aside and give up on them.This mentality of(he or she is 18 now I'm not responsible of him or her anymore)need to end.force him or her if you have to Get them help against their will, they will hate and they will never talk to you.But at least you saved you own children lives.You know that I'm speaking the truth but you chose to deny it.Being honest is never trolling.
Zaphou her "child" is 33 and put his children's life in danger by driving them while so intoxicated he couldn't walk, you have no right whatsoever to berate, manipulate or place blame on anyone on this board, anonymity does NOT give you the right to do that. NO ONE has to allow their adult children to suck all of their money, life and health out of them. She does not have to set her self on fire to keep anyone warm. She does not have to be taken underwater and go down with a drowning man. Who does that help? You? Bc you are either the addict that wants to continue to be enabled by their latest victim, an enabler who is justifying their own actions in their mind by putting others down or neither - which makes you a very sick individual to be here passing judgement and offering horrid advice.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
Drug treatment centers are not locked down. An addict is free to leave if he or she chooses. Many families have “forced” their loved ones into rehab by giving ultimatums, etc., but you can’t physically force someone to go. Those who entered rehab because it was what their families wanted relapsed because they weren’t ready to stop using drugs. It has to be what the addict wants for himself or herself. If a person goes to rehab because it is what the family demands, the person will most likely relapse after completing rehab. Many families have no choice to kick an addict out of their house because some drugs, particularly meth, make people violent. Some types of untreated mental illness can make people violent. If they refuse to take their medications because they don’t think they have a problem, they may physically attack family members. The majority of people with mental illness aren’t violent, but many people in today’s world have anger management problems. Many refuse counseling, medications, and therapy. Their families are afraid of them and young children in that home begin to develop anxiety disorders after years of exposure to stress. The addiction to drugs is so strong that many addicts will choose drugs over a warm bed.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
Even if a judge court orders an addict to get treatment, some of them would simply choose to not go, which would mean jail. The system is so stressed because of cases like these that the police can’t always track these people down.

In my city, the DA is seizing people’s homes because of drugs.

It has become nearly impossible to have someone suffering from mental illness committed. A judge may court order them to take their medications and go to counseling, but a lot of patients don’t believe they have a problem and still refuse medications and therapy. In rare cases a judge or physician can order a patient to be committed to a mental hospital, but the maximum amount of time allowed by law is three days. A lot of patients promise to take their medications and go to therapy upon release, but the majority of them stop their medications and won’t go to therapy for various reasons. medications have side effects and many patients refuse to believe they have a mental illness.

Even if a parent finds an apartment or place for an addict to live outside their home, the addict will proceed to trash the place and get evicted. They may harass other tenants or start fights which leads to eviction. If that goes on his or her record, it becomes difficult to find a place to live. Because of how much rent has increased, the majority of parents cannot afford to arrange for their loved one to live elsewhere. Even in the slums, rent is $1,000 a month in my city. The average monthly rent for a decent, safe place is $1,300.

Some parents on this forum have purchased homes for their adult children who destroyed the property. Drugs or heavy alcohol use can lead to total inebriation, which means mattresses become toilets. Violent people punch holes in the walls and tear up furniture. Drugs change the brain chemistry, so some addicts will use the sofa to extinguish a cigarette. They fall asleep with the front door wide open which leads to theft.
 

Not Unique

New Member
Even if a judge court orders an addict to get treatment, some of them would simply choose to not go, which would mean jail. The system is so stressed because of cases like these that the police can’t always track these people down.

In my city, the DA is seizing people’s homes because of drugs.

It has become nearly impossible to have someone suffering from mental illness committed. A judge may court order them to take their medications and go to counseling, but a lot of patients don’t believe they have a problem and still refuse medications and therapy. In rare cases a judge or physician can order a patient to be committed to a mental hospital, but the maximum amount of time allowed by law is three days. A lot of patients promise to take their medications and go to therapy upon release, but the majority of them stop their medications and won’t go to therapy for various reasons. medications have side effects and many patients refuse to believe they have a mental illness.

Even if a parent finds an apartment or place for an addict to live outside their home, the addict will proceed to trash the place and get evicted. They may harass other tenants or start fights which leads to eviction. If that goes on his or her record, it becomes difficult to find a place to live. Because of how much rent has increased, the majority of parents cannot afford to arrange for their loved one to live elsewhere. Even in the slums, rent is $1,000 a month in my city. The average monthly rent for a decent, safe place is $1,300.

Some parents on this forum have purchased homes for their adult children who destroyed the property. Drugs or heavy alcohol use can lead to total inebriation, which means mattresses become toilets. Violent people punch holes in the walls and tear up furniture. Drugs change the brain chemistry, so some addicts will use the sofa to extinguish a cigarette. They fall asleep with the front door wide open which leads to theft.
The main thing I have in common with you folks on this forum is that I have a very difficult adult child. When someone posts advice or chastises me and they do not have a difficult adult child I find their “advice” irrelevant. You must walk a mile in my shoes… Thank you to all of you seasoned posters for replying to this thread.
 

tommi

New Member
I reported this post.

NOBODY CAN SAVE AN ADULT DRUG ADDICT. You really don't get it. At 33, only this adult addict can save himself. 33 year old addicts are legal adults. We have no right to make our ADULTS get well. We can not force them to get well , to do anything. What planet do you live on where adult addicts allow their parents to force them to do what we wish?

At his age he is his own responsibility. I am not sure you really understand that we can't "do something" unless these adults are willing.

My daughter ran across the country when we tried to help. Adults do what they want and we have no control.

If they die due to their refusal to get help and continue to live a dangerous lifestyle, it certainly is not our fault. All of us have begged them to change.

In the end, the only person responsible for ones death, if he is an adult and living a dangerous life, is himself
WELL SAID
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
You can t force an adult to go to rehab. How would you manage to force a 33 year old to get clean? It might be amusing to see your answer...but probably not. In our country you CAN NOT get anyone 18 or older to get treatment against his/her will. It is illegal. Get it???

I am guessing you are a kid yourself or the parent.of a young child whom you can still legally control and you are ignorant. We are not responsible for adults, flesh and blood or not, once they are old enough to refuse to listen to us. Most don't live with us. Many are halfway across the world. Do you really think they stick around?

You have a lot to learn. I hope you don't have to. I am done with you.

I suggest that the members here refuse to engage him anymore. You can put him on ignore.

More important than this clueless kid, I have a real concern. I can not get in touch with runaway bunny. I am worried about her. Has anyone heard from her? Is she all right? I have been wondering about her for a long time. Anybody???
 
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zaphou

New Member
I didn't know i triggered you that much even though there is some truth in what I have said but anyway I don't want to prolong this nonsense.All I'm saying to make this short, it is better to force your offspring whether a teenager or an adult to get help and tell him to the million time why he or she need it and get a percentage of survival than sit aside and leave them alone and watch them die.
Don't reply to the comment.However read it, analyze it and think about it.
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Zaphou…
My dear husband and I tried everything within our power to help our son stay alive and thrive.
We put him in Rehabs, wilderness program, homeschooled him, sent him off to Germany in the Army, watched him go to prison, watched him try to get a risky surgery so he could no doubt stay on drugs, took him into our home for years trying to help him with medication and psychiatrists to no avail…he would abuse prescribed medication too, we even moved to another state when he contracted Hep C from needle use and we got our Indian benefits to pay for it as long as we lived in Indian territory.
I’m telling you Zaphou we tried everything under the sun! The last year he was alive, in and out of hospitals in California, I sent him $100 for food and a greyhound ticket back to our home…of course he took the $100 and bought drugs and ended up back in the hospital. He never made it home again.
He died Thanksgiving before last alone on a highway at 4:50 in the morning without even shoes on his feet. He was hit by an illegal immigrant without a drivers license.
It is a tragedy all the way around. One we could only stop for so long till God had had enough and said come home child.

I even had a psychotic breakdown when I was 40 years old likely triggered by all of the stress I was under trying to help my sons in anyway I could. I had to be hospitalized and take a handful of medication the rest of my life.

As another poster said…walk a mile in my shoes and then tell me.

You are obviously not speaking from experience. I hope you never have to.
 

zaphou

New Member
I'm sorry for your loss.i thank you for all the effort and the care that you did for your child.im sorry your child couldn't see reason and get help.Drug was controlling your son not him and it is horrible and tragedy for any parent to see that.You did your job and fulfilled your responsibility.i might seen as a heartless bastard because in my nature ,it's hard for me to project sympathy.However me in life ,I'm more logical than emotional.
 
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lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Zaphou…
Thank you for the condolences.
But what I’m trying to tell you is that every parent on this board loves their child as much as I’ve loved mine. They’ve all tried just as hard to wake their grown children up to no avail.
Addiction is far stronger than a parents love. It just is.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I'd love to know how to force a grown up to get help and act right. He failed to explain how. Because there is no way. If there was, he would have explained it. "You have to do it or it's your fault" doesn't say what we should do or how. Maybe he had a loved one who died and blames his parents. He does not share his story.

Where is runaway bunny? Whoever this is, he wrongly gives parents/loved ones power we don't have over our cherished adult children. God, if only we could force them. But nobody has control over another adult. Nobody. Not even the poster who thinks he does

It won't make ME feel guilty again, but I worry about newbies and lurkers. If only we could force them to get well!

My advice to him and everyone is to go to NarAnon. What you here there is the truth. It's how it is. And any rehab program will tell you that you can't control the adult addict.

Hugs.
 
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