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How do I cope with my difficult child's Personal attacks
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 434647" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dear Natalie, </p><p> </p><p>Welcome to the board, and welcome to your first ticket and boarding pass out of he//. </p><p> </p><p>You know the times I've joked here about "If I wrote a book" are now "As I write a book about my life - I shall have to list it under Science Fiction" Gene Roddenberry couldn't write this junk and have anyone literally read it and think it was realistic. No one hears about our lives -the lives of a CD board parent and thinks to themselves WOW I want to be HER when I grow up. NOBODY. I got all my moxie from having to deal with the uneducated outside world whom my son went to bat at. Leaving me to pick up the pieces all on my onesies. Short version - He came, he saw, he destroyed...I picked up, I apologiesed, I was a wreck, I went to 15 years of therapy, I had a stroke, and then I threw him out . -----I'm much better now. But....in all honesty; so is he. </p><p> </p><p>You want to know how you deal with them? You don't. And that's the big FAT hairy secret. You do NOT deal with them at all. You detach. They call? You get caller ID - and say "OH look jackass is phoning home again for a favor. I will not answer it. They text? You see the text and block it and/or change your number and don't give it to them. Nope not kidding at all. If you can move? Move. Belive me they'll find you. Okay maybe that's extreme, and should only be used for psycho ex husbands, but it's a back burner thought if ever. </p><p> </p><p>If you want to know how you deal with the pain? You go to therapy. You talk out the hurt, and the betrayal, the pain, the grief, the loss, and the anger with a trained person who can rationalize things with you that a husband, a sister, a Mother, a bestie - CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT. Why? Because they (at this point) are Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of hearing about Jr. that they probably are detaching from YOU! Yup - missing a few of YOUR calls are they? Notice that they havent' been as attentive to your requests to go to lunch or as close as you used to be? Not getting together for BBQ's and Bowling or movies anymore? Talk about your son much to them? No? Well if not then you are a pretty rare bird. Most do, and it costs them all of the above. If you have? And you notice you're starting to loose that loving feeling? Yeah - well that's probably why. And that's why I recommend a therapist - a non-interested Third party that is being PAID to help you - that cares but will give you non-partisan advice PROFESSIONAL advice that will teach you how to deal with all those emotions you can't figure out what to do with. Mostly anger - The death of your dreams? Sometimes worse than the death of an actual child - I know I've had both. The living one? I'm dealing with day to day and the loss suffered with him is in my face. The one that died would have been 21 on Monday. He's gone - it's over, and he's in a better place. The oldest one? He died over ten years ago, and that's all but a memory now. So yeah - the one that's here? Much harder to deal with and the language? OH brother, sister - I've heard words that would peel paint off the wall. BUT does he ever use those words when I need paint peeled off the wall? Nooooooooo he's never around to be handy. ugh. </p><p> </p><p>See mine is 2o and it took throwing him out and him coming back and throwing him out for good - and putting our foot down and nearly duct taping my mouth to not say "Oh you can come home I see it's tough, I hear you are eating out of dumpsters, and lviing in the park...homeless, and I know you are hungry, and dirty." All of it was like a freaking nightmare. After being gone 2 years? We now talk on the phone. He calls just to chat, hasn't asked for anything except some used clothes for interviews. And he's going to do it all on his own. He's starting to see he HAS to do it on his own, and how good it was here - but it took him LITERALLY doing it on his own to find that out. NO HELP FROM US at all - and nearly no conversation - because If I told you the names and things I was called? OH WOW - yeah - it was bad. The whole scene was bad. My neigbors? They still wont come near our place after the last knock down ------no where near. </p><p> </p><p>Hope this helps you a little - others will be along with the detachment 101 rules to help. THey are phenominal. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & love </p><p>Welcome </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 434647, member: 4964"] Dear Natalie, Welcome to the board, and welcome to your first ticket and boarding pass out of he//. You know the times I've joked here about "If I wrote a book" are now "As I write a book about my life - I shall have to list it under Science Fiction" Gene Roddenberry couldn't write this junk and have anyone literally read it and think it was realistic. No one hears about our lives -the lives of a CD board parent and thinks to themselves WOW I want to be HER when I grow up. NOBODY. I got all my moxie from having to deal with the uneducated outside world whom my son went to bat at. Leaving me to pick up the pieces all on my onesies. Short version - He came, he saw, he destroyed...I picked up, I apologiesed, I was a wreck, I went to 15 years of therapy, I had a stroke, and then I threw him out . -----I'm much better now. But....in all honesty; so is he. You want to know how you deal with them? You don't. And that's the big FAT hairy secret. You do NOT deal with them at all. You detach. They call? You get caller ID - and say "OH look jackass is phoning home again for a favor. I will not answer it. They text? You see the text and block it and/or change your number and don't give it to them. Nope not kidding at all. If you can move? Move. Belive me they'll find you. Okay maybe that's extreme, and should only be used for psycho ex husbands, but it's a back burner thought if ever. If you want to know how you deal with the pain? You go to therapy. You talk out the hurt, and the betrayal, the pain, the grief, the loss, and the anger with a trained person who can rationalize things with you that a husband, a sister, a Mother, a bestie - CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT. Why? Because they (at this point) are Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of hearing about Jr. that they probably are detaching from YOU! Yup - missing a few of YOUR calls are they? Notice that they havent' been as attentive to your requests to go to lunch or as close as you used to be? Not getting together for BBQ's and Bowling or movies anymore? Talk about your son much to them? No? Well if not then you are a pretty rare bird. Most do, and it costs them all of the above. If you have? And you notice you're starting to loose that loving feeling? Yeah - well that's probably why. And that's why I recommend a therapist - a non-interested Third party that is being PAID to help you - that cares but will give you non-partisan advice PROFESSIONAL advice that will teach you how to deal with all those emotions you can't figure out what to do with. Mostly anger - The death of your dreams? Sometimes worse than the death of an actual child - I know I've had both. The living one? I'm dealing with day to day and the loss suffered with him is in my face. The one that died would have been 21 on Monday. He's gone - it's over, and he's in a better place. The oldest one? He died over ten years ago, and that's all but a memory now. So yeah - the one that's here? Much harder to deal with and the language? OH brother, sister - I've heard words that would peel paint off the wall. BUT does he ever use those words when I need paint peeled off the wall? Nooooooooo he's never around to be handy. ugh. See mine is 2o and it took throwing him out and him coming back and throwing him out for good - and putting our foot down and nearly duct taping my mouth to not say "Oh you can come home I see it's tough, I hear you are eating out of dumpsters, and lviing in the park...homeless, and I know you are hungry, and dirty." All of it was like a freaking nightmare. After being gone 2 years? We now talk on the phone. He calls just to chat, hasn't asked for anything except some used clothes for interviews. And he's going to do it all on his own. He's starting to see he HAS to do it on his own, and how good it was here - but it took him LITERALLY doing it on his own to find that out. NO HELP FROM US at all - and nearly no conversation - because If I told you the names and things I was called? OH WOW - yeah - it was bad. The whole scene was bad. My neigbors? They still wont come near our place after the last knock down ------no where near. Hope this helps you a little - others will be along with the detachment 101 rules to help. THey are phenominal. Hugs & love Welcome Star [/QUOTE]
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