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How do I cope with my difficult child's Personal attacks
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 434719" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Natalie, </p><p> </p><p>FWIW? If you don't feel like you are getting what you need from your therapist and have been seeing him for a while now? Absolutely find someone you can relate to and whom you feel realates to you. I have switched therapists several times trying to find the right fit and finally in the last seven years found a man that I felt very comfortable talking to. My entire family actually found him very trustworthy, empathetic and someone that while not quite in the trenches - still understood and had our backs with the outside forces when it came to telling them what it was like 'A day in the life with Dude.' </p><p> </p><p>As far as healing and forgetting? Maybe I'm a different kind of person. I don't know that I've healed from anything that Dude said to me. The personal attacks are there still. The scars are really deep. The pain? I can recall it at a moments notice and I don't know that I care to forget it completely because the moment I do? I think I'm doomed to allow myself to be a doormat again. And while I won't throw these things up in his face? I did learn in therapy how to fight fairly, and how to not bring up the past but how to draw boundaries so that when the ugly words, and hateful venom did start? I knew I had the power to do things like hang up the phone, walk away from a conversation, shut the door, ignore the behavior, and remember that the person doing these things HAS a choice. That he CHOSE to be this way with me and ten minutes later was nicey nice with his buddies. Not acceptable. I also learned that his behaviors were not going to RULE my life, my day, my time. HE was the one having a miserable day - not me. Too bad. HE was the one out of control with his emotions and not able to get his proverbial mess together; not me - I feel for you when you get it together? Call me 'click'. HE was the one not able to maintain his composure in a mature and fitting attitude - which we ALL have from time to time - but how you control that anger and being angry is fine - but what you DO with that anger is what it's all about - lashing out at ME? Your problem - not mine. It took me until I was in my 40's to realize and have someone tell me that it was OKAY to be angry. All my life? I was told - Don't get angry. Don't be mad. No one every said "You know what? It's okay to be angry, just make sure your behavior is appropriate - here.....here is what you can do when you are angry. Before I realized I could tell my son the same. I think it was like a lightbulb went off in both our heads at the same time on hearing that. Someone gave us both permission to be mad as H......and then we learned what we could do INSTEAD of names, throwing, yelling, smashing.....acting out. Sometimes I think our sons need to know that. (the earlier the better) but it's like if they don't know that? They resort to the names, and throwing and feel if they don't destroy something or someone? The anger doesn't get out of their system. Still - somedays? It's good to go beat the snot out of a patch of ground with a ball bat - accomplishes nothing - but gets the rage out and it's not directed at Mom. Dude went through anger management and it was one of the best things he ever did....not at that time (OF COURSE he wouldn't listen) but now? He uses those tools to calm himself to a point and avoid getting into more trouble. Not that it's perfect - but it's better. And when we know it's gotten to that level of 'We agree to disagree"? We just say - Okay we'll talk later. and hang up. </p><p> </p><p>As far as the wounds and scars? I'm not wearing them proudly - and I'm sure there is some cliche about time heals all wounds - I think time just warps my brain and makes me forget things and hopefully ----Things progress, and the work we did when he was younger finally kicks in and he grows up a bit, the work sinks in a bit, I grow older a bit (hehe), and in some way - the scars are replaced with laughter as we all age. To forget the bad times completely? No.....Forgive yes.....forget? Never. Replace with better? My new dream. </p><p> </p><p>Hope you get that new therapist you hope for. If you have better feelings about a female - then by all means talk to a woman. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 434719, member: 4964"] Natalie, FWIW? If you don't feel like you are getting what you need from your therapist and have been seeing him for a while now? Absolutely find someone you can relate to and whom you feel realates to you. I have switched therapists several times trying to find the right fit and finally in the last seven years found a man that I felt very comfortable talking to. My entire family actually found him very trustworthy, empathetic and someone that while not quite in the trenches - still understood and had our backs with the outside forces when it came to telling them what it was like 'A day in the life with Dude.' As far as healing and forgetting? Maybe I'm a different kind of person. I don't know that I've healed from anything that Dude said to me. The personal attacks are there still. The scars are really deep. The pain? I can recall it at a moments notice and I don't know that I care to forget it completely because the moment I do? I think I'm doomed to allow myself to be a doormat again. And while I won't throw these things up in his face? I did learn in therapy how to fight fairly, and how to not bring up the past but how to draw boundaries so that when the ugly words, and hateful venom did start? I knew I had the power to do things like hang up the phone, walk away from a conversation, shut the door, ignore the behavior, and remember that the person doing these things HAS a choice. That he CHOSE to be this way with me and ten minutes later was nicey nice with his buddies. Not acceptable. I also learned that his behaviors were not going to RULE my life, my day, my time. HE was the one having a miserable day - not me. Too bad. HE was the one out of control with his emotions and not able to get his proverbial mess together; not me - I feel for you when you get it together? Call me 'click'. HE was the one not able to maintain his composure in a mature and fitting attitude - which we ALL have from time to time - but how you control that anger and being angry is fine - but what you DO with that anger is what it's all about - lashing out at ME? Your problem - not mine. It took me until I was in my 40's to realize and have someone tell me that it was OKAY to be angry. All my life? I was told - Don't get angry. Don't be mad. No one every said "You know what? It's okay to be angry, just make sure your behavior is appropriate - here.....here is what you can do when you are angry. Before I realized I could tell my son the same. I think it was like a lightbulb went off in both our heads at the same time on hearing that. Someone gave us both permission to be mad as H......and then we learned what we could do INSTEAD of names, throwing, yelling, smashing.....acting out. Sometimes I think our sons need to know that. (the earlier the better) but it's like if they don't know that? They resort to the names, and throwing and feel if they don't destroy something or someone? The anger doesn't get out of their system. Still - somedays? It's good to go beat the snot out of a patch of ground with a ball bat - accomplishes nothing - but gets the rage out and it's not directed at Mom. Dude went through anger management and it was one of the best things he ever did....not at that time (OF COURSE he wouldn't listen) but now? He uses those tools to calm himself to a point and avoid getting into more trouble. Not that it's perfect - but it's better. And when we know it's gotten to that level of 'We agree to disagree"? We just say - Okay we'll talk later. and hang up. As far as the wounds and scars? I'm not wearing them proudly - and I'm sure there is some cliche about time heals all wounds - I think time just warps my brain and makes me forget things and hopefully ----Things progress, and the work we did when he was younger finally kicks in and he grows up a bit, the work sinks in a bit, I grow older a bit (hehe), and in some way - the scars are replaced with laughter as we all age. To forget the bad times completely? No.....Forgive yes.....forget? Never. Replace with better? My new dream. Hope you get that new therapist you hope for. If you have better feelings about a female - then by all means talk to a woman. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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