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How Do I Help Her Detach?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 376682" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I don't have a identical experience, but I do have one family member that his has a fair resemblance to. I don't know that there is a way to help a 15 year old really "detach" completely. And we want of course to help spare all pain for our kids. Unfortunately it hurts all ages to be let down by someone we want to count on and feel valued by. I don't blame her for not feeling good about this. </p><p></p><p>How would I handle it? By telling her you understand (and can relate) to how it hurts her feelings and she wishes it could be different. By telling her when she brings it up that you have just had to accept that this is how this M. person is, and it isn't at all a reflection of any of you that she chooses to not have a true relationship and reach out when she is able and ends up choosing not to. That it is really about M. All of it. A inability for M. to value what is important, and is really quite sad on M.s part as she is missing out on having family available to share time with that can love her and be there for her as well. By teaching her that some people, even those we love, can just suck at interpersonal relationships and others just need to accept she isnt going to be who they wish she could be in their lives. That you can still love her. Can still enjoy her company when you do get to see her. That it gets easier as she gets older to realize that it isn't worth being constantly hurt over, in the end she has a terrific family who loves her and if M chooses to not be part of it as often as she is capable, oh well for M. Because nobody can change someone else.</p><p></p><p>I think a key thing is helping her understand it isnt' personal. It is just who this M is and how she operates in her life. </p><p></p><p>It sure stinks though doesn't it? Sorry she can't see the family she's missing out on. I'm glad you have each other.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 376682, member: 4264"] I don't have a identical experience, but I do have one family member that his has a fair resemblance to. I don't know that there is a way to help a 15 year old really "detach" completely. And we want of course to help spare all pain for our kids. Unfortunately it hurts all ages to be let down by someone we want to count on and feel valued by. I don't blame her for not feeling good about this. How would I handle it? By telling her you understand (and can relate) to how it hurts her feelings and she wishes it could be different. By telling her when she brings it up that you have just had to accept that this is how this M. person is, and it isn't at all a reflection of any of you that she chooses to not have a true relationship and reach out when she is able and ends up choosing not to. That it is really about M. All of it. A inability for M. to value what is important, and is really quite sad on M.s part as she is missing out on having family available to share time with that can love her and be there for her as well. By teaching her that some people, even those we love, can just suck at interpersonal relationships and others just need to accept she isnt going to be who they wish she could be in their lives. That you can still love her. Can still enjoy her company when you do get to see her. That it gets easier as she gets older to realize that it isn't worth being constantly hurt over, in the end she has a terrific family who loves her and if M chooses to not be part of it as often as she is capable, oh well for M. Because nobody can change someone else. I think a key thing is helping her understand it isnt' personal. It is just who this M is and how she operates in her life. It sure stinks though doesn't it? Sorry she can't see the family she's missing out on. I'm glad you have each other. [/QUOTE]
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