How Do I Help if I'm the problem?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Mar 25, 2009.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    Well I was told today by difficult child's therapist that he is tired of being there and he and another had planned to run. They layered there clothes and personal items in their pockets --the other boy did run but difficult child did not --He had his room searched and they found one tablet of medication that he apparently at some point had cheeked and held onto and a magic marker which I was told was no big deal and he would have had an easy consequence but he had a melt down and started yelling at staff members and throwing chairs. He was already on level and was about to start having previledges but now he lost everything. His therapist said that unless value option gives him more time there -they will have to discharge him as unsuccessful so I don't know what will happen to him now. They are telling him that he will go back to detention but telling me something else. He told several people that its all my fault that he is there so how do I help him. Him being gone is killing me inside and I dont know what to do! Any ideas?:sad-very:
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I don't know you're history, but most difficult children blame their parents when they've done something to shoot themselves in the foot, so to speak. Sounds like what difficult child is doing. He's done something stupid, so it must be your fault because he most certainly couldn't be to blame for something he chose to do.

    Typical behavior for a difficult child.

    It isn't your fault. You didn't have any part of difficult child's decision. He did it to himself. Natural conscequences can be a wonderful teacher. Don't blame yourself. We feel bad enough without taking on things we aren't in control of.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Mog, even PCs sometimes blame their parents and are hard on them when they are in their 20's and young parents too and stilll sure there is a right and wrong way to parent. difficult children are 10X worse--everything is your fault and they have no free will to change their lives. (((Hugs))). I know it hurts, I have been there. But I wouldn't pay too much attention to the words of a very disturbed child. And it's NOT your fault he is mentally ill. No matter what he says. No matter what ANYONE says. Some people just inherit bad genes and it's nobody's fault...please take care of yourself. You are as good a parent as anyone else. Kids don't come with instruction manuals and, if they did, they wouldn't work because kids are all so different...
  4. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I was going to say what Lisa and MWM have already said. When difficult child 1 ended up in the psychiatric hospital about 4 years ago, he blamed me for everything bad that had ever happened to him. It was heartbreaking to hear him talk about me like I was the reason for all of his problems.

    It was explained to me by one of his therapist's that this is typical behavior for a difficult child - A difficult child like difficult child 1, refuses to believe that he is responsible for his poor behavior and the negative consequences that result from it. It is much easier to blame someone else, usually a parent.

    Do NOT let yourself feel guilty about this. This is NOT your fault!!! Sending lots of hugs your way... WFEN
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    When my difficult child was in 6th grade he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months. One of the big things they worked on was not blaming others or justifying behaviors. Once he came home we did not tolerate that either. It is something to think about and do some research on. Look into definitions of justifying and blaming and how to stop it.

    You have to stay very calm and NOT take their bait. If you argue you lose. period. because they want the drama teh argument creates. But if you can change how you react, and learn to identify justifying and blaming behaviors and stop them, things can really change.

    It is VERY hard to do though.

    You might first check into the Love and Logic parenting books ( , They stress natural consequences and a loving relationship. I highly recommend them.

    Your parenting style may not match up with your son, and you may want to make changes, but it would be unlikely that you would be to "blame" for your child's behavior. difficult child has a choice to behave properly or not.
  6. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I'm going to move this to general.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi mog,

    I don't know anything about you or your son. I wouldn't mind giving some thoughts, but without knowing anything about you or him it's hard for me to help.

    In general kids learn how to manipulate and play the blame game. They say things trying to find a soft spot and when we give in or cry - they know they've struck a nerve. I used to fall apart, then I got counseling and learned that the more stoic I was in my reaction to my son (now 18) and his behaviors? The better off we both were. Not to say there weren't times when I fell apart - but no longer in front of him.

    My son has been in and out of phosps and RTCs, group homes, and now lives 15 minutes away in therapeutic foster care. He's been arrested, and put us through a lot. My generic recommendation at this point would be to seek counseling for yourself. You need a neutral *****ing buddy, who will be able to give you good suggestions for your particular set of circumstances. He'll help you learn the art of detachment for situations you should just walk away from. He'll help you to become a better person and that will in turn help you be a better Mom.

    I no longer get the "It's all your fault" line. I did before therapy. I did during and after therapy. The biggest difference? I knew better AFTER therapy. Sometimes we all need a little support locally.

    If the home is going to discharge him (been there several times) BECAUSE they can't change him - and he's out on some sort of Department of Juvenile Justice sentence - maybe the best thing for him would be to GO to Department of Juvenile Justice and see how long tossing chairs at windows and cursing and garbage like that will go on there. NOT LONG - and those that do? Get longer sentences. My son will tell you he'd do Department of Juvenile Justice in a day - but what he won't tell you is that it scared him. You cant' cry in there and not get hardened kids making fun of you. You can't act out and be crazy in there - and get attention - you'll get attention alright - more isolation or LOS (LINE OF SIGHT) from guards and you'll shower, eat, and sit right there with a guard all day. Not fun.

    I think between that and our recommendation for him to go to a locked psychiatric hospital with 2 wings - he got the message. The chair throwing behaviors stopped for ours after he got tied up and given a shot of thorazine - twice. It made me cry for days - but....if that's what it took to make him realize there ARE kids out there that really are messed up and he's NOT exactly one of them? So be it. Not to say that he won't have to work with a counselor for possibly the rest of his life to deal with his anger - but that's his choice. He's doing better - now.

    Where is the discharge plan? Could it be to a locked psychiatric hospital? Something more intense? Sounds like he could benefit from a wake up call. Then maybe transition into therapeutic foster care with visits to you?

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    And to answer your question : How do I help if I'm the problem?

    Find out first if you are indeed part of the problem. I was. I dind't know it. I asked someone for help. I got help. Now I'm not the problem and I KNOW why I'm not the problem and more importantly I know why I won't BE the problem again.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Like many here I know how heartbreaking it is to have an empty bed where your kid is suppose to be. Many of us spent hours crying like babies when our young teens were gone...some in hospitals, some in RTCs, some in Department of Juvenile Justice. So long as they are safe, it doesn't really matter much where they are because they are not at home where they should be.

    You need to detach as much as possible. Did you commit the act that resulted in his out of home placement? Nope. Did you hope that he would make choices that resulted in him being gone? Nope. Would being with you make him "get" that his choices have consequences for him? Nope.

    I've been part of the CD family for years and I have never known one parent here who didn't wish they could make things better. Often our difficult children have to learn from others what is expected for getting along in life. All of us do our best. Fall back and regroup your life. Support his growth in his life. It's not easy but it is the best way. Hugs. DDD