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How do you deal with your difficult child's insults, etc?
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 493598" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Collaborative problem solving is ' working with ' a kid , imposing consequences is ' doing to a kid ' . Kids are not going to access the information - when I did this this is what happened to me = children do well if they can - they are lacking the skills. Consequences don't teach kids to handle frustration and think clearly. At most they teach a kid that their mistake is not to get caught and not trust their parents . If you screw up - why come to your parent for help = all they can offer is a punishment. kids won't trust you to help. The basis of cps is building trust , we rely on the kid for information to solve problems . If their is blame and consequences , they will shut down. Consequences maybe hard to enforce , so the focus moves away from what happened to now enforcing consequences. It does not require much thinking and gives parents a good feeling that at least they are doing something.</p><p></p><p>Consequences are important - not the ones we ' impose on kids ' which teaches them to ask - what's in it for me , what will I get , what will be done to me but how my actions effect other people and then help the kid engage in an autonomous way in the moral act of restitution. Let him not only come up with a better plan , but also try and repair the past. We don't want kids to comply because of a threat of a consequence or a doggie biscuit , we want them to become committed to the values we teach. The is so much research on brain development and neuroplasticity - the brain grows in a safe and loving environment where reflection and relationship are important.</p><p>If you mix in consequences , the chances of cps working is pretty slim.</p><p></p><p>The cursing, screaming etc are symptoms , the behavior - we have to look for the problem and deal with the problem , the conditions where these symptoms express themselves. Looking for solutions so that the kid can express himself more appropriately is still dealing with the symptom.</p><p></p><p>If you are following Ross Greene's approach - take his advice</p><p>focus on the problem - not the behavior</p><p>forget about consequences</p><p></p><p>Parenting is Learning</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 493598, member: 10"] Collaborative problem solving is ' working with ' a kid , imposing consequences is ' doing to a kid ' . Kids are not going to access the information - when I did this this is what happened to me = children do well if they can - they are lacking the skills. Consequences don't teach kids to handle frustration and think clearly. At most they teach a kid that their mistake is not to get caught and not trust their parents . If you screw up - why come to your parent for help = all they can offer is a punishment. kids won't trust you to help. The basis of cps is building trust , we rely on the kid for information to solve problems . If their is blame and consequences , they will shut down. Consequences maybe hard to enforce , so the focus moves away from what happened to now enforcing consequences. It does not require much thinking and gives parents a good feeling that at least they are doing something. Consequences are important - not the ones we ' impose on kids ' which teaches them to ask - what's in it for me , what will I get , what will be done to me but how my actions effect other people and then help the kid engage in an autonomous way in the moral act of restitution. Let him not only come up with a better plan , but also try and repair the past. We don't want kids to comply because of a threat of a consequence or a doggie biscuit , we want them to become committed to the values we teach. The is so much research on brain development and neuroplasticity - the brain grows in a safe and loving environment where reflection and relationship are important. If you mix in consequences , the chances of cps working is pretty slim. The cursing, screaming etc are symptoms , the behavior - we have to look for the problem and deal with the problem , the conditions where these symptoms express themselves. Looking for solutions so that the kid can express himself more appropriately is still dealing with the symptom. If you are following Ross Greene's approach - take his advice focus on the problem - not the behavior forget about consequences Parenting is Learning [/QUOTE]
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How do you deal with your difficult child's insults, etc?
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