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How do you deal with your difficult child's insults, etc?
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 493644" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>This is subject for debate. There really is no one right answer: as Buddy says, it is what works with a particular child.</p><p>I have to say that, in terms of my particular child, the approach Allan-Matlem is pointing to really does work best. An incident this afternoon highlighted this to me. My television is now "broken" (at least when J wants to watch it <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />) but I allowed him to watch an hour of things on the computer - he watched different versions of Hansel and Gretel, the story he is currently really into. Anyway, this afternoon he began saying he wanted to see Hansel and Gretel again - repeating something about wanting to watch them taking steps through the forest. It was obviously very important to him but instead of taking a collaborative approach (always more demanding), I just repeated, in a loud tone of voice that he had watched enough for that day. He wasn't actually initially being difficult or demanding in tone but in response to my categoric no, things rapidly escalated and he soon was shouting and crying and very, very worked up - he enacted hitting me (not actually hitting me), pointed a gun at me, threw a shoe in my direction. All of which made me angry and we were soon pitched in battle. He was very angry and very upset - suddenly I had a kind of glimpse or memory of me as a small child, being angry and upset (I was also a very spirited child and I can <strong>remember</strong> what it felt like not to be seen or understood by the adults around me). I too was now not listening to J. So I changed the tone, began asking him what it was he wanted to say, why he wanted to watch Hansel and Gretel and I explained why I didn't want him to watch any more. He was still upset but not angry, and I felt his relief that I was trying to hear him rather than fight him. We eventually came to the agreement - initiated by me - that we would go for our walk as planned and would play at being Hansel and Gretel in the wood (which we duly did). He was very amenable afterwards, wanted to make amends, was eager to please. </p><p>For me I guess it's about whether I want to be on J's side or whether I want him to just carry out orders, as it were. Obviously the only way to have a real relationship is through trying to meet him where he is - as he is five and the world of a five year old is not that of an adult, and I cannot vividly re-enact my own five year old self, this is not easy... It was really important to him, this business of watching Hansel going through the forest, and although that makes no sense in rational terms, it was important to him. I would have saved us all that bother and upset if I had been able to hear that in the beginning and take it seriously. I think it was the not being listened to that really sent him off at the deep end.</p><p>Like I say, this is just what works at this end... In my heart of hearts, I feel that consequences do not work with J and have no real place with us. But so many people talk about consequences that I think I should try them and lose the courage of my conviction, as it were. Really, though, that is just wasting time - because in the end, I come back to the same place.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 493644, member: 11227"] This is subject for debate. There really is no one right answer: as Buddy says, it is what works with a particular child. I have to say that, in terms of my particular child, the approach Allan-Matlem is pointing to really does work best. An incident this afternoon highlighted this to me. My television is now "broken" (at least when J wants to watch it :)) but I allowed him to watch an hour of things on the computer - he watched different versions of Hansel and Gretel, the story he is currently really into. Anyway, this afternoon he began saying he wanted to see Hansel and Gretel again - repeating something about wanting to watch them taking steps through the forest. It was obviously very important to him but instead of taking a collaborative approach (always more demanding), I just repeated, in a loud tone of voice that he had watched enough for that day. He wasn't actually initially being difficult or demanding in tone but in response to my categoric no, things rapidly escalated and he soon was shouting and crying and very, very worked up - he enacted hitting me (not actually hitting me), pointed a gun at me, threw a shoe in my direction. All of which made me angry and we were soon pitched in battle. He was very angry and very upset - suddenly I had a kind of glimpse or memory of me as a small child, being angry and upset (I was also a very spirited child and I can [B]remember[/B] what it felt like not to be seen or understood by the adults around me). I too was now not listening to J. So I changed the tone, began asking him what it was he wanted to say, why he wanted to watch Hansel and Gretel and I explained why I didn't want him to watch any more. He was still upset but not angry, and I felt his relief that I was trying to hear him rather than fight him. We eventually came to the agreement - initiated by me - that we would go for our walk as planned and would play at being Hansel and Gretel in the wood (which we duly did). He was very amenable afterwards, wanted to make amends, was eager to please. For me I guess it's about whether I want to be on J's side or whether I want him to just carry out orders, as it were. Obviously the only way to have a real relationship is through trying to meet him where he is - as he is five and the world of a five year old is not that of an adult, and I cannot vividly re-enact my own five year old self, this is not easy... It was really important to him, this business of watching Hansel going through the forest, and although that makes no sense in rational terms, it was important to him. I would have saved us all that bother and upset if I had been able to hear that in the beginning and take it seriously. I think it was the not being listened to that really sent him off at the deep end. Like I say, this is just what works at this end... In my heart of hearts, I feel that consequences do not work with J and have no real place with us. But so many people talk about consequences that I think I should try them and lose the courage of my conviction, as it were. Really, though, that is just wasting time - because in the end, I come back to the same place. [/QUOTE]
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How do you deal with your difficult child's insults, etc?
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