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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 41038" data-attributes="member: 3"><p><span style='font-size: 11pt'>Don't for a moment believe any of us are calm all the time. We have all been in the difficult child chaos in different degrees. It's a learning process of what works and what doesn't. Yelling doesn't seem to be working so maybe trying something else will. That does not mean you can't let them see that they have pushed you too far.</p><p></p><p>It appears that you have more than one issue on your plate. You are the primary bread winner, your husband doesn't seem to have warm, loving feelings towards you, difficult child issues, school issues, respect issues and personal sense of loss issues. </p><p></p><p>If difficult child does better for husband then let husband take the lead. Do a whole role reversal. You go to work and come home to husband taking care of the cooking and house and difficult child. It's what most of us do when we are the primary caretakers of difficult children. </p><p>The goal is to help the difficult child function better. Chasing him for every piece of homework is a thankless task that doesn't really achieve anything. Let it go. Have husband set up some structure for school work and walk away. Let husband deal with difficult child. </p><p></p><p>Trying to control everything and everybody is a lose/lose situation. Set up personal goals of what you want to accomplish. Imagine what you would like your home to be like. Make some steps to create that home. If it doesn't work then you may have to walk away. </p><p></p><p>The best thing I did for myself is taking some of the over the top emotionalism out of the issues. I can get pretty wrapped up with the disaster of the day(DOD) I have learned to take some time, take a step back and ask myself what does difficult child need from me. </p><p>How can you best parent him? The constant fighting has horrid results on you, husband, difficult child, the school and difficult child's future adult life. </p><p></p><p>If you have an opportunity to take a weekend away, then go for it. Start reading some self help/self affirmation literature. Build yourself up so you have some strength and focus.</p><p></p><p>difficult child and I continue to battle but it's about difference of opinions. He is entitled to make adult decisions that have nothing to do with me as long as he has a plan and he can pay his way. We continue to have to help him financially but it is always baby steps forward and I doubt he will be totally settled until his late 20's or early 30's. Hope,love and maternal responsibility are what I have to help my son. It's also what powers my determination. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is such a tough time. I hope you find your own personal way to live with your husband and difficult child. We each had to make peace with our life choices. Not everyone can stay and certainly not everyone is calm all the time. Get some time away to help yourself think things through. </span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 41038, member: 3"] <span style='font-size: 11pt'>Don't for a moment believe any of us are calm all the time. We have all been in the difficult child chaos in different degrees. It's a learning process of what works and what doesn't. Yelling doesn't seem to be working so maybe trying something else will. That does not mean you can't let them see that they have pushed you too far. It appears that you have more than one issue on your plate. You are the primary bread winner, your husband doesn't seem to have warm, loving feelings towards you, difficult child issues, school issues, respect issues and personal sense of loss issues. If difficult child does better for husband then let husband take the lead. Do a whole role reversal. You go to work and come home to husband taking care of the cooking and house and difficult child. It's what most of us do when we are the primary caretakers of difficult children. The goal is to help the difficult child function better. Chasing him for every piece of homework is a thankless task that doesn't really achieve anything. Let it go. Have husband set up some structure for school work and walk away. Let husband deal with difficult child. Trying to control everything and everybody is a lose/lose situation. Set up personal goals of what you want to accomplish. Imagine what you would like your home to be like. Make some steps to create that home. If it doesn't work then you may have to walk away. The best thing I did for myself is taking some of the over the top emotionalism out of the issues. I can get pretty wrapped up with the disaster of the day(DOD) I have learned to take some time, take a step back and ask myself what does difficult child need from me. How can you best parent him? The constant fighting has horrid results on you, husband, difficult child, the school and difficult child's future adult life. If you have an opportunity to take a weekend away, then go for it. Start reading some self help/self affirmation literature. Build yourself up so you have some strength and focus. difficult child and I continue to battle but it's about difference of opinions. He is entitled to make adult decisions that have nothing to do with me as long as he has a plan and he can pay his way. We continue to have to help him financially but it is always baby steps forward and I doubt he will be totally settled until his late 20's or early 30's. Hope,love and maternal responsibility are what I have to help my son. It's also what powers my determination. I'm sorry this is such a tough time. I hope you find your own personal way to live with your husband and difficult child. We each had to make peace with our life choices. Not everyone can stay and certainly not everyone is calm all the time. Get some time away to help yourself think things through. </span> [/QUOTE]
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