How do YOU get over being wronged? Need help.

[BusynMember]

I'm trying, after a few years of being anchored in a mindset of anger and unfairness over my mother disowning me in her will, how others have gotten over these sorts of hurts? I tried to make things up to her when she was alive. I expressed my own regrets at the riff in our relationship, even though I know it was hardly all my fault. She never wanted to see me or her grandchildren (and never did see my two youngest kids). She didn't want to see ME even though I asked her to. My siblings aren't quite sure why she was so antagonistic towards me, but they didn't try to make it better either, and they could have smoothed things over so that my mother would have at least talked to me. I find myself often depressed over all this--angry at my deceased mother, and my sister who has the label of "good kid." I am also resentful that my brother, who was her favorite and whom I befriended often when he had nobody, refused to step in. I know lots of this is irrational and hurtful to me, but I'm not sure how to get past it. I can't seem to figure out how to "forgive" or move on and it's dragging me down. I do not see or talk to my siblings because that makes me feel worse and because they feel my mother did nothing wrong, which makes ME feel like I actually DID do horrible things and that I'm so awful my own mother disliked me and never even made mention of me after she passed. Years ago she had a brain tumor and told everyone about her surgery, even my dad, her ex, but NOBODY was allowed to tell me and nobody did, even my father, who I am close to. So I'm angry about that too. LOL, angry, angry, angry. I'm not overly religious, but am open to any way to get over this so I can move on. Book suggestions are welcome. ANY suggestions that worked for you are welcome. I'm seeing a therapist now and she gave me a book "To Forgive or Not to Forgive." I'm reading it now, but I'll need more. Thanks for any help. In advance, all of you are terrific.

 

[hearts and roses]

Hi {{{midwestmom}}}

Carrying around anger and resentment is a horrible feeling. Like you said, it drags you down. It's staggering to our own personal growth and happiness. Perhaps your perspective should be less focused on forgiving your mom and siblings and instead more focused on a level of release to ease your own pain.

I've had to forgive a person or two over the course of my life. In particular I had to forgive my exh in a very bad way and I harbored resentment and anger and ill will towards him for a long time. Because I swore I'd never badmouth him to his children, I held it all inside, occasionally ranting about him to a friend or my mom. I felt myself sinking and walking around with this giant weight on my shoulders and I felt like I was suffocating. It was a terrible feeling. It changed my perspective when I realized that by forgiving him I was not letting him off the hook for his misdeeds, but I was releasing myself from the stanglehold of resentment towards him.

The fact was I was going to have to deal with this man for many more years through life events like graduations, etc., and I needed to be happy and smiling again, even in his presence. MY anger and resentment was holding me back from enjoying ALL of my life, not just the moments when he was forgotten about, Know what I mean??

So, I journaled, I wrote down everything I was feeling. Then I wrote down my pure pleasures in life. And then I thought about his relationship to those pleasures, lessons I may have taken away from my experience with him. Of course, those involved mostly my dds. It was like a great transformation occurred!

I meditated about my feelings and I was able to look at the act of forgiveness as a gift to myself rather than granting a gift to exh. I bestowed upon myself the freedom to live and let go of the anger and resentment towards exh, to truly just see that it was what it was and let it go. I felt lighter. I was able to be in his presence without feeling such despair, anger and hatred. I had friends and family remark on how I could be so civil to him at family gatherings. I thought about my children's relation to him and I thought that my gift of forgiveness to myself was twofold - it also helped me to be a better mom and wife. In the long run, I really feel that the forgiver is the one who truly benefits from forgiving others. It frees us.

I really hope that you can find a way to forgive and let this go. Resentment is like a smoldering coal. It will just burn in your chest as long as you continue to feed it. Gentle hugs.

ps: An excellent movie I recently watched is The Secret - you should check it out.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

We had that thread in the general forum about forgiveness, and it is a definite that everyone has their own view of what forgiveness is. When I learned forgiveness, true forgiveness, my heart was literally broken of its bonds. I forgave Copper's father for coming into Copper's life exactly one time when she was 8 years old, for about 6 months, and then saying that he did not have time to be her father. There is NOTHING worse than seeing your child hurt.

Forgiveness is SO not about the person that you are forgiving. In your case, it is not about your mom, or your siblings or father. You do not know the circumstances surrounding what happened, and you may never know. Your mom is not losing sleep because you have not forgiven her. Neither is the rest of the family. The one who is suffering is YOU. Forgiving is NOT saying that what someone did to you is ok, it is letting go of the resentment and the hurt. Because it is eating away at you. Forgiveness is there for YOU. You can actually start by saying "there is nothing I can do about this. It is in the past. I need to let this go. God (or whomever), please take these resentments away." Do it every day. After awhile, do one better. Pray for the ones who hurt you. Keep doing it, even if it is through gritted teeth. One day, the pain just won't be there like it used to be...

One day, when asked about it, you will be able to offhandedly say "yeah, I don't really see my family" instead of "can you believe, I did NOTHING, and my mom, and she did this, and my brother, and oh my goodness, and even my DAD, and I did nothing to deserve this..."

You deserve to feel better about this. You did nothing to deserve it. Why should you be feeling rotton about it? NOTE: that does not mean that the offender should therefore feel rotton about it. This is not revenge. It is forgiveness. I mean, yes, there are a handful of really really evil people in the world, who do bad things just to do bad things. But we are not talking about them, we are speaking of your family. We don't know why these things took place. But there has got to be a reason. If it is being kept from you, perhaps it is a good reason. Maybe they are protecting you. It seems unlikely, but it is not unheard of for family to stop speaking to another in order to protect them from something. I don't know, and I am doing a lot of speculation, but all I am saying is there has to be some reason for this to have taken place.

And you may never know why. that has got to be OK with you. You have to be OK with God knowing the reason, and give him the go ahead to handle it.He's had a little more experience, after all.

I am sorry you are hurting over this. Please start to heal. It is up to you and nobody else.

(((((hugs)))) and prayers...for you AND your family!!

 

[muttmeister]

I have had to forgive a few people in my life too. I wonder if the way we forgive people might be hardwired into our makeup at birth. Some people seem to be able to forgive easily; for others it is almost impossible.
For me, forgiving somebody is almost a selfish act. MY LIFE is TOO SHORT to spend it worrying about, thinking about, or trying to get even with SOMEBODY ELSE. I don't think forgiving somebody means that now everything is OK and they were right to do whatever they did but it does mean that you accept what you cannot change and get on with your life. I don't want to give somebody who wronged me the power to continue to mess up my life.
Obviously, it is harder to forgive a mother than to forgive a passing stranger or even a spouse or a child. The mother/daughter connection is one of the deepest and most complicated bonds that exists and when that goes kaput, it is bound to leave you with a lot of hard-to-deal-with feelings. However, it is still true that YOUR LIFE is TOO SHORT to spend it being upsset by something you can do NOTHING ABOUT.
I know that just saying GET OVER IT is not helpful. It sounds like this might be a good time to seek some counseling on this issue.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm going to read that other forgiveness thread. I forgot about it. I'm wondering if "forgiveness" really means "letting go, letting God, moving on." I don't think I can forgive, but I think I can move on.
My family has a history of malicious divide and conquer behavior (my mom used to complain that my grandma favored her brother) and I know she threw it at my grandma's face a lot because I was close to my grandma and she'd tell me. I also think there may be undiagnosed mental illness there. Nobody but me ever wanted help. My sister had anorexia and she's still very underweight--at 46 she already has osteoporosis in spite of eating what-she-calls healthy and exercising. Her fifteen year old seems anorexic--wears a Size 12 girls and runs three miles a day, then five or so more after school in track and tells me she's fat. She does eat though. Keep the comments coming. I'm all ears and thanks.

 

[Josie]

I struggled with forgiving something for a few years until I decided that I might not ever get past it and I would just have to live with it. Strangely, once I decided that, eventually, I noticed that I didn't dwell on it any more and I did get past it.

 

[scent of cedar]

Forgiveness has nothing to do with the person who hurt you. The bad things that happen to so many of us ARE wrong.

In my opinion, they should never be forgiven.

Forgiving ourselves though, for having been seen as someone who could be victimized as you (or I) may have been victimized ~ that is what healing forgiveness is about.

Forgiving ourselves for ever believing the things our abusers taught us about ourselves, and forgiving ourselves for having been someone so devalued as to have been the object of abuse ~ those are the things we need to concentrate on. You will never be able to forgive the abuser because, fortunately, you will never be able to condone what they did, let alone admire them for it.

Until you can see so clearly that these things should NEVER have happened to you ~ or to anyone ~ you will not be able to let it go. We cannot let go ~ forgive and forget, as those who have never been hurt so deeply so blithely suggest ~ because what happened WAS wrong.

So, I say that is the key.

We need to go beyond who the abuser taught us we were. We need to find that child, or that young man or woman who was hurt, and we need to teach both them and ourselves that the badness had nothing to do with us.

The abuser would have abused anyone who came under their power BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT ABUSERS DO.

Had it not been for our proximity to the abuser, the abuse would never have happened.

To us.

But it would have happened, and in exactly the same way, to someone else.

And they would be the one struggling with how to learn to forgive, today.

And you would be the one not understanding.

But it is you, and it is me, and we can do it.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with us that these things happened.

There was something wrong with the abuser.

We had the misfortune to have been born to an abuser, or to have been snagged by an abuser as a child or young adult.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with us.

If we persist in believing the things that happened to us were somehow justified?

Then the abuser wins.

Forgive yourself for having been victimized. Label the abuser for who they are and what they did. If you cannot imagine how that could be, then envision how a wonderful mother might have helped you. Once you have been able to do this, you will recognize your own abuser as an opportunistic bully.

There is nothing respectable about an opportunistic, bullying coward.

You need never have believed a word they said.

You were innocent and did not know any different than the reality she presented you with. I would venture to say that if the mother focused her twisted hatred on you and your children, it was because you, of all the children, had the courage to defy her.

Take that same courage now, and go in there and rescue your little girl self from the things your abuser taught you were true about yourself.

Those belief systems you grew up with were the twisted justifications of a bullying coward.

People who are not cowards do not abuse children or animals.

It sounds to me like you stood up to your mother on some level. Called a spade a spade, and she could not stand that in you.

I say, applaud that courageous, honest part of yourself.

You must be incredibly strong.

Many abused children never get to the point of wondering why they cannot forgive it, because they have never had the courage to question the all-powerful mommy image.

Or, they let another sibling be the "bad" one, because it makes it easier to justify having survived watching a sibling be abused by a parent who could, just as easily, switch those abusive tendencies to you.

Your family of origin may have taught you to hate yourself so that they all could survive, so that no one would rock the boat.

You get to stop doing that now, if you like.

But you have to decide to undo the old messages, the old "true things" you know about yourself.

And you have to decide that you will learn to cherish, and hold yourself safe now, whatever has gone before.

Once you do that?

You may regret the situation in your family of origin, but it will not have the power over you that it does, now.

Wishing well.

You absolutely can do this.

I suggest The Secret as well. I have not seen the movie, but am reading the book, now. Also, The Artist's Way at Work (Julia Cameron). The Dance of Women's Spirituality (Maria Harris). The I Ching and even, The New Testament, which is all about choosing the power implicit to love instead of the negativity of hatred, jealousy, vengeance or greed.

You are getting better already, or you would not have these questions, now.

:smile:

It will get better, from here.

Barbara

 

[LittleDudesMom]

MWM,

I can only tell you that you really aren't living the life you are intended to live unless you live with forgiveness. I expressed my opinion on the forgiveness post. Forgiveness is what allows me to live my life to the fullest.

If you look at your situation with the eyes of forgiveness and moving on you will realize that your siblings were in no way responsible for the relationship you had, or didn't have, with your mother. Perhpas they did play a role, but it was not, nor is it, their role to smooth over things for you.

As far as your mom, you attempted, on numerous occasions, to mend your relationship with her; obviously she was not able to forgive whatever she believed you to have done. Are you not, by holding on to your anger at her disowning you, doing the same thing she did to you?

I know it sounds so easy, but in reality forgiveness is not a hard thing. It takes you understanding that everything you say and do has an effect on something or someone else. You must take responsibility for the actions and reactions of your words and actions. It takes you understanding that everyone does things for a reason. You don't have to agree with the reason, just understand they had one.

Perfelct relationships are in the movies and books, very rarely are they found in real life. Man has free will which means we are going to do whatever the heck we want, for the most part! Feelings will get hurt, hurtful words will be said, stupid decisions will be made.

In the long run, it is your life, your feelings and opinions and outlooks and actions. It is up to you to move on and let go of the rest. Let go of your feelings with your sibs. You can't change what happened with them yesterday or who they are so why angst over it? You can't change what your relationship was with your mother but you can certainly show your children what a mother really is. That is how you move on with your life. You live, you learn, you decide not to repeat the mistakes, then you life some more.

I know it is really a cliche, but life is too short - it really is. You will feel a release when you let go that will free your heart and spirit. Remember your mother as your mom and forgive the weakness that allowed her to control your life. Take the control and live free.

Hugs and support as you try to move forward.

Sharon

 

[Sunlight]

there used to be a book about forgiving a parent even if they were dead. I forget the name. there also was a book called "my mother myself"
how about printing out your post and having a ceremony and burning it?

 

[wanttohelp]

I am so sorry for your problems with your family. I have similar issues in that I resent my deceased mother and haven't spoken to my twin sister for 9 years because she totally threw me away after our parents deaths. It bothers me quite a bit and I think about it almost every day.

Sometime I feel like my sister has no remorse at all for just disowning me as her sister so I asked my pastor's wife how it is that bad people can treat other people badly and just walk all over them in order to get what they want. I didn't understand how these people can hurt others yet continue to be successful and happy and even with their dying breath they can ask for forgiveness and be forgiven. It just didn't seem fair to me. But the pastor's wife told me that it's not my concern. I just have to be content to know that God will handle things his way. That simple answer was a lot of comfort to me. It's the same thing as "let go, let God".

I'm not sure that I could ever forgive my sister for what she did to me.....and I'm sure that she couldn't care less. I just have to be able to live with it and knowing that it'll work out in the end makes it tolerable.

HTH

 

[Fran]

I haven't read the other thread on forgiveness yet so excuse me if I duplicate responses.

Forgiveness is a selfish act for me. It's not for the party who wronged me. It is for me to get over it and to feel better. Usually the person who you want to forgive could care less. You care and you hurt. Once you forgive their behavior, justify their behavior or tolerate their behavior you feel well enough to get past it.

Doesn't mean I would be best friends with the person who wronged me. Doesn't mean I would have a warm relationship but I can go on with my life. How one creates forgiveness in themselves is pretty personal. I suspect we each have coping mechanisms specific for our personalities.

I don't want to waste one day being angry or take on anger as a burden if I don't have to carry it.

Think of forgiveness as a way to lighten the load of grief.

 

[tinamarie1]

Midwestmom, I am sorry you are going through this agony. I know how you feel unfortunately. My dad was a long time alcoholic, who was persuaded by my evil brother to cut my sister and I out of his will completely. He managed to convince my dad that he was the only one who ever cared about him. My dad did so many hurtful things to me as a child and later as an adult. I struggle with this frequently, feelings of inadequacy and blaming myself for everything wrong in the world. I came to a point (before my dad was put in a nursing home) that I just had to seperate from him he was being so hurtful. Ironically, my brother took all his money and abandoned him. Dad has had several massive strokes and lays an invalid in a nursing home. Out of all my siblings, I am the only one who takes time to go see him and buy him what he needs, pay his bills, etc.
I wish I had an answer for you honey. I know that therapy has helped me alot, but its still an ongoing struggle. I pray and ask God to ease the pain in my heart still so many years after he has stopped being able to hurt me. That is the only thing that brings me a little peace.

 

[Abbey]

Wow...you'd think we had an entire of army of therapists on board!! What great advice you have received. :bravo:

I had to forgive, but not forget the things my father did to us as children, and attempted to do as adults. It wasn't until I moved close to his mother (my grandmother) that I had some sort of understanding of his behavior to us. It was at that point that I had two options: 1) Keep hating and resenting him, or 2) Forgive him for what he didn't know and move on.

Out of 3 siblings, I have been the only one to do that. It's like an unspoken thing between my dad and I. He knows what he did...he knows he screwed up, but I am not willing to spend the rest of my life stewing on it. If he didn't want a relationship...fine. Oddly enough, as he has aged, he's become a quite good dad. I am sad that my siblings can't see this. It was such a sense of peace when I reached that point. It was like starting over with a relationship.

He's very ill. My siblings, I suspect, will greatly regret not making that step when he passes on, but you can't force someone to change their thoughts.

Abbey

 

[Grateful]

I would suggest the book "The Blessing" by Gary Smalley and John Trent. There are stories in the book referencing the situation you find yourself living. It's a very powerful book that I wholeheartedly recommend.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

My family has many divisions also. I am working on a grief book. Had to go to the other room and get it. "The Grief Recovery Handbook" The action pogam for moving beyond death, divorce, and other losses by john W James and Russell Friedman.

I am not far in it as I am working it with my therapist. She gives me worksheets to work on. It so far has been a major eye opener.

Beth

 

[goldenguru]

The book Grateful suggests is wonderful.

My answer to your question?

One simple word. Forgiveness.

Not an easy thing to do. But imperative for OUR own emotional well beings. Hugs.

 

[Star*]

I see a few things here....MWM.

I guess my first question would be what did your Mother say/think you did to wrong her? The fact that she had a brain tumor and surgery, but remembered to tell EVERYONE NOT to tell you tells ME that she thought about YOU in a way that maybe consumed HER day. The fact that she left you out of the will could have been an act that was overlooked by her as she became more ill - wills are drawn up a lot of times when people are scared or believe they are going to die. So it is a possibility that she had the will drawn up before she remembered to add you. (it's possible, not likely from what you wrote, but nonetheless possible)

I think YOU are missing the actual lesson to be learned here. You already HAVE forgiven her - you just never got a chance to see her forgive YOU. THAT's the real issue to me. And the fact that she has passed on, means that you will never GET the opportunity to hear HER say "I forgive you." And how sad for HER that she had to walk around with such a grudge under her arm like a knot. It must have been very uncomfortable and time consuming to hate someone so much. When you hate someone they own you.

The fact that you are going to a therapist and working on this is the best thing you can do. Trying to speed read books or learn how I would forgive maybe a wonderful addition to your therapy. Several people here have suggested some wonderful reading. Trying to make the pain go away quicker isn't going to help youin the long run either. It's there, it's real, it is present in your life, it makes you made, it's consuming you and you obviously want it gone - but what stops you from making it go away? No one here can answer that - you can ---eventually with a good therapist you trust and feel is working with you to make you become the best you there is.

I'm sorry here for your Mom. She missed the life of a wonderful daughter who like anyone in the world had faults. She missed the life of 2 grandchildren. She missed the opportunity she had within her to say I forgive you, and get on with her life. Instead she was forever stuck on remembering you right up till the end. That's tragic when anyone consumes their life with another person so much they exclude them instead of forgive them.

I don't have all the answers on forgiving anyone. I think we all do the best we can to be kind and when someone trespasses against us, we pray for our own transgressions against others as well.

the mere fact that YOU are in therapy about this says to me, that YOU are willing and maybe have forgiven your Mom, it's just that you're lacking the sound of her words saying I forgive you.

It's just a guess. Personally? When I let go of anger it's been replaced with love, the more love I have, the more I feel, the more I feel the more I'm able to give, and the easier it becomes to forgive even the largest grievance - for me it was my x molesting my son and selling him for crack cocaine. The more I pray for the ability to forgive him, and do it...I found there was happier things in my life. He'll never be near us to say "I'm sorry" - he's a psychopath, he has no conscience. So I had to take what I could get for ME and deal with it. Sorta a backwards forgiving.

Hope this helps....
Hugs
Star

p.s. IF it's any consolation I read your words, and I think you are a wonderful friend, Mother and given the chance daughter. Remember....your HIS daughter if your no one elses.

 

[wakeupcall]

MWM, I forgave my mother after her death. She said some horrible, horrible things about me to my friends. None of it was true, but she knows it. I think her cancer had gone to her brain and she was so bitter that it came out all on my shoulders. BUT she knew I could handle it and she knew that I would never believe it of her. I didn't and I don't. I lost all my friends, but it was NOT her talking when she was saying all the things she said. Your mother could have easily gotten wrapped up in the moment and it rolled downhill like a huge ball gathering away for years.....escalating.

I'm SO sorry. Let it go, my friend. You are a wonderful human being and you shouldn't have to waste one more minute of your life with this anger chewing away from the inside out.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't really know how to thank all of you. I had tears in my eyes reading such helpful and caring responses. Call me dumb (I do...hehe...just kidding, sort of), but it never occurred to me just how much this was influencing my life. I probably got stuck on the word "forgiveness." I forgave my mom way before she passed on and she knew it, but apparently she never forgave me. I truly believe that the root case was because when my grandmother passed away she left $5000 to my biological son and refused to let me split it between him and my two adopted kids. I took a tough stand. To her I disrespected my grandma's wishes (which I did) and my mother had the account in HER name. I told her I refused to take part in anything that reflected blatant favoritism. I felt it was wrong, and still do. I told her she'd have to give my son the money because I couldn't, in good conscious, hand over money from a grandmother that all three kids thought loved them--to only one child. It wasn't that much money anyways. My mom got aggressive about five years after my grandma passed and insisted on me giving her my son's social security number so that it could be in HIS name. She said something about how she didn't want to pay the tax on this money. I told her I wasn't going to tell her, that she and my grandmother made a decision against my will (I had talked to my grandma about this before she died) and that I didn't want any part of it. I guess I was being stubborn, but I knew how it felt to feel like sloppy seconds or even thirds to a parent. My mother called my son, then sixteen, and asked him for his social security number. He said he didn't have it and she told him to stop lying and called him a liar. He wasn't liar and he came downstairs really upset. I lost it and asked my fiance to call my mom and please tell her not to call about this anymore. I should have called myself, but I was very upset and in tears by then. At that time, she'd never met my future hub and she never forgave him either, although he was polite to her. She didn't come to our wedding. She DID finally send me the $5000 and told both of my sibs that she knew what I was like and that I'd spend it on myself. Where she got that, I don't know. She seemed to think I was a "taker" because sometimes my father, a Pharmacist, paid for my prescriptions sometimes and because my grandmother had lent me $700 once towards a car because our car was dangerous. So I'm a taker who just wants to get things from people. Anyways, I used the money to pay our taxes. I needed it, and I was sick of the $5000 by then and my son said he didn't care if we used it for that. My Mom never knew what we did with the money, but she spent years trying to talk about the money to my siblings, who both finally shut her down. But they never stuck up for me. Anyways, this is the story as far as I know, but I'm pretty sure I have the incident right. And I'm certainly to blame here too. I guess I could have done what my grandmother wanted. Funny thing is, I was my grandmother's favorite. And still she put me in a very awkward situation that I asked not to. And yet I still blame myself. Sorry that this was so long.

 

[BusynMember]

My mom left me out willingly. She was very sharp until about a year before her death, and she was the type to have her affairs ready FAR in advance. I believe not telling me about her first brain tumor was because didn't want me there. She figured I'd come. She even told my dad, her ex, whom she treated like dirt too. She finally told me about it three years later. In the end, she died of brain cancer. I was the last one to ever speak to her. She wasn't herself, but even then, when I said "I love you" she didn't say it back. She just said "I know." Two hours later, she was gone.
I am not convinced she was consumed with hatred for me. I think, even worse (in my mind) she went on happily without me. My sibs say she never talked about me. It is ME who is consumed with hurt and anger. Just me. Funny thing is, I sort of moved on before she died. Afterwards, when I realized that she had truly given me the last "Haha" from the grave (lack of even acknowledgement, I guess--I was never called for the reading of the will) it hit me like a ton of bricks and I've been bitter and sad and hurt ever since. And I'm also angry at my sibs, perhaps unfairly, but, if it had been me in my mother's favor, and if she'd been picking on my brother or sister, I would have stepped in boldly and said, "You can't treat them this way and have a relationship with me." I used to stick up for both of my siblings all the time. THAT also makes me angry. What a waste of time that was. At the same time, I know this is harmful to ME, not them.