My bad relationship was with my dad. He's been dead 25 years now, and nine years before that, my mom divorced the wife abusing, child abusing, skirt chasing bum. I'm the oldest of his five children, and he didn't bother to pay child support, telling my mom that when she couldn't feed and clothe her kids, she'd be back. HA! I went to work at 12 (babysitting) to help my mom pay the bills. We lived on what my mom and I were able to earn, welfare, food stamps, Christmas from the Salvation Army, unreliable cars, and bad neighborhoods.
Have I forgiven him? No...What kind of monster allows his 12 year old daughter to become a breadwinner? He never said he was sorry, he never repented, he never changed his ways. Have I forgotten him? No...though his horrible behavior shaped me in ways he never dreamed. I learned to stand up for myself, to face challenges, to not allow myself to be physically, verbally, or emotionally abused. I am a strong, healthy woman today because I wanted to never hear, "You're just like your dad."
As the quarter century has passed, his name comes up less and less. He never saw his children graduate from high school or college. He never attended his children's weddings. Another - better - man is called Grandpa. My three brothers don't batter their wives, they know I'd be the one they'd answer to after the police were through with them.
What I do have -- is the serenity that he no longer has the ability to hurt me. I don't know that I needed to forgive myself as some of the others have mentioned, but I needed to let myself pursue the happiness that life does offer. If I carried around the "my dad ruined my life" sign, instead of the "I'm in charge of my life and my happiness" sign, I'd be a much more miserable person. I chose to become a happy and healthy person.
