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How do you handle defiance/refusal to do things?
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 516296" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Hi Jules. So sorry you are going through this heartache and profound frustration. I understand, some of it anyway.</p><p>Because of my own experience, I feel more geared to optimism than pessimism in these situations. But I honestly don't know (of course) if our situations are comparable. They may be, or may not be. Also you have a partner and other child in the mix, which really does change things. My son is also five and yours nine - mine is therefore more malleable and probably easier to reach and change. But in the hope that it may possibly be of some help, I'll share my experience.</p><p>About a year ago, when my son was four, I was about feeling in the same place as you - desperate, stressed out, unable to cope much longer with my son's constant defiance and refusal to do things I asked or complete simple tasks like brush his teeth. I had little knowledge of how to deal with difficult children then and I just used to get so cross and frustrated. We had scenes like my son in his bedroom where I had tried to put him for a timeout, shrieking and kicking the door hard, calling me names, throwing his toys hard everywhere, my screaming at him, him getting hysterical... I often felt like I hated him and then immediately felt guilty, until the feeling returned after the next bout of "impossible" behaviour. </p><p>Okay, year later, we still have scenes but the way I deal with most of the time is different. I have really worked on the relationship, on being warm and showing warmth, on giving positive encouragement rather than negative criticism, spending more time together and, perhaps above all, on attempting to stay calm and friendly in the face of his crises. Of course I screw up on a fairly regular basis and still get stressed and frustrated, but in the main the balance of our relationship has really shifted. I would say about 80 per cent of our interactions are now positive and pleasant. He is way more co-operative and eager to please. Things are far from "perfect" but I feel like things are manageable, we have a real relationship rather than a horrific war zone in which we hate and dread each other.</p><p>Also I REALLY agree about choosing your battles (not that I can always manage that either...)</p><p>A year ago I wouldn't have believed this was possible. So, for whatever it is worth, I share this.</p><p></p><p>Oh, PS - from having an almighty battle over teeth brushing where he would flat out refuse to do it and I would practically hold his mouth open and force him (yes, I know... not good), he now goes meekly off every night and by himself brushes his teeth. No power struggle, no battle, he now feels good about himself with me... he does it without a struggle.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 516296, member: 11227"] Hi Jules. So sorry you are going through this heartache and profound frustration. I understand, some of it anyway. Because of my own experience, I feel more geared to optimism than pessimism in these situations. But I honestly don't know (of course) if our situations are comparable. They may be, or may not be. Also you have a partner and other child in the mix, which really does change things. My son is also five and yours nine - mine is therefore more malleable and probably easier to reach and change. But in the hope that it may possibly be of some help, I'll share my experience. About a year ago, when my son was four, I was about feeling in the same place as you - desperate, stressed out, unable to cope much longer with my son's constant defiance and refusal to do things I asked or complete simple tasks like brush his teeth. I had little knowledge of how to deal with difficult children then and I just used to get so cross and frustrated. We had scenes like my son in his bedroom where I had tried to put him for a timeout, shrieking and kicking the door hard, calling me names, throwing his toys hard everywhere, my screaming at him, him getting hysterical... I often felt like I hated him and then immediately felt guilty, until the feeling returned after the next bout of "impossible" behaviour. Okay, year later, we still have scenes but the way I deal with most of the time is different. I have really worked on the relationship, on being warm and showing warmth, on giving positive encouragement rather than negative criticism, spending more time together and, perhaps above all, on attempting to stay calm and friendly in the face of his crises. Of course I screw up on a fairly regular basis and still get stressed and frustrated, but in the main the balance of our relationship has really shifted. I would say about 80 per cent of our interactions are now positive and pleasant. He is way more co-operative and eager to please. Things are far from "perfect" but I feel like things are manageable, we have a real relationship rather than a horrific war zone in which we hate and dread each other. Also I REALLY agree about choosing your battles (not that I can always manage that either...) A year ago I wouldn't have believed this was possible. So, for whatever it is worth, I share this. Oh, PS - from having an almighty battle over teeth brushing where he would flat out refuse to do it and I would practically hold his mouth open and force him (yes, I know... not good), he now goes meekly off every night and by himself brushes his teeth. No power struggle, no battle, he now feels good about himself with me... he does it without a struggle. [/QUOTE]
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