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How do you keep feeling love after they cross the line?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 419165" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I completely understand how you feel. There were times iwth my son that I had no clue as to how we were to continue to be a family with him. At times I didn't know if I could continue to be if he continued to do the things that he was doing to us all. It was incredibly hard to love him but I still did even when I was angry enough to want to strangle him. It is incredibly hard, but it is what it is. Many people have absolutely no idea how devastating it is to realize that your child is actually endangering the lives of others. It isn't just that you want to abandon or throw away the difficult child. It is that you simply have no idea how you can continue to BE, much less continue to love the child that is so scary and dangerous. </p><p> </p><p>The worst weeks of my life happened when I found my beloved Wiz with his hands clamped around my also beloved Jessica's throat in the middle of the night. The very fabric of my life and existence were viciously shredded at that moment. I expected it to get better when we admitted him to the psychiatric hospital. I had no idea that it would get so much worse before it got even a teensy smidgen of an iota better. The things that ran through my head and heart and soul when he told me everything he had done to Jessical were things that I didn't even know it was possible to feel and think. And then I had to go home and tell my husband about all of it (I did most of the psychiatric hospital trips because he was working and in grad school. He did go many times for therapy, visiting, etc... but couldn't make the trip 4 times a week.) and devastate his world also.</p><p> </p><p>It is normal and acceptable to have the feeling that you are having. It isn't fun, but feelings are not "wrong". They are and must be recognized and processed. If you do not have a therapist of your own, go out and get one on Monday. It make take seeing several different tdocs until you find one that you can really work with. Strongly encourage your husband to also see a therapist. </p><p> </p><p>Animal cruelty is a MAJOR sign of serious problems in every aspect of his life. It is also considered to be very much a predictor of violence in the rest of his life/relationships. While it is super had to keep feeling the love, he is still the child that you adopted and loved from the first moment you welcomed him into your life. Abandonment is a major issue for adopted people, but that cannot be allowed to keep you from making sure that every being in your home is safe from violence at all times.</p><p> </p><p>It is very possible to have one child living in a psychiatric hospital, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or even therapeutic foster home or group home and to STILL be a family and love each other. One mom here (Timer Lady I think) started calling it being a "family of different addresses". My family has been a family of different addresses for 5 years. Wiz could not be safe (nonviolent) while living with us. He went to lvie iwth my parents and it saved him and our relationship with him. I truly believe that one or more of us would be dead if we had kept Wiz living at home. He was only 14 and it wrecked me for a long time, but now he is entirely the sweet, quirky funny son we knew he was underneath all the gfgness. </p><p> </p><p>In your situation you really NEED that lawyer to help you. You have been working very hard to keep your son with you and to prevent the violence that he desplays very often (based on your info about psychiatric hospital stays, etc...). You have truly gone to great lengths to help him be able to have a loving home and good life with you. </p><p> </p><p>If he is to come home you will need to rehome your pets. Not just the cat that he tried to kill, ALL of your pets. It simply isn't right or fair to them to keep them in a home where one member wants to hurt/kill them. </p><p> </p><p>It is also important to put an emphasis on what your daughter needs right now. We often get caught up in the needs of our difficult children that we end up not paying as much attention to what our easy child's are going through and upset about. The pcs seem like they are doing okay and the difficult child seems like he needs so mcuh more that we let our pcs handle things more than we otherwise might. OFten the easy child doesn't want to upset us because the stress, strain and demands of the care and feeding of difficult children is so enormous. Then something like this happens and we cannot continue to put the major emphasis on difficult child. It comes to a point where we cannot sacrifice our easy child on the altar of gfgness that can monopolize our thoughts, feelings and actions. </p><p> </p><p>If you have ANY idea that difficult child has hurt his sister, talk to a therapist and have easy child talk to one. Then you may need to call CPS and report that difficult child is abusing her. If he is abusing the pets he may have already started to hurt her or he may be building up to this. Chances are that it will take difficult child beingout of the home for several weeks or even a month or two before you and her therapist will begin to realize all that difficult child has done to her. </p><p> </p><p>You should be able to talk to a social worker at the psychiatric hospital. It may be time to let them know that coming home is not the appropriate placement for him until he is stable and able to make safe choices. They may not want to help you with this, but most states have this as an option. This isn 't necessarily giving up parental rights but is often a way to help defuse the home situation, keep everyone (especially other children) safe from his violent behaviors. the lawyer may be able to help with this. </p><p> </p><p>I know some other members have taken this step before their difficult child was able to live in the family home safely. Timer Lady may be able to give more info on this, and Star also may be able to help.</p><p> </p><p>Personally, I would not be able to bring my son home if he was behaving with the violence that your son shows because I would be afraid for all of us and would be sure that it would be incredibly unsafe and even dangerously foolhardy to have him in a private home setting. He is just too likely to hurt someone, any family member or even to sneak out or go to school and seriously harm someone else. This is NOT giving up on him but rather it is making sure that he has what he needs to have a chance at growing up to be a responsible member of society and your family.</p><p> </p><p>If you have no other options you may need to give serious thought to disrupting the adoption. Some will see it as abandoning a troubled child. It may eben feel that way to you at times. But it is also choosing to protect your other child, your spouse and yourself AND the general communtiy from someone who is not capable of behaving in a manner that doesn't hurt or endanger other people.</p><p> </p><p>You have my support regardless of what has to happen to make sure that everyone is safe. (((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 419165, member: 1233"] I completely understand how you feel. There were times iwth my son that I had no clue as to how we were to continue to be a family with him. At times I didn't know if I could continue to be if he continued to do the things that he was doing to us all. It was incredibly hard to love him but I still did even when I was angry enough to want to strangle him. It is incredibly hard, but it is what it is. Many people have absolutely no idea how devastating it is to realize that your child is actually endangering the lives of others. It isn't just that you want to abandon or throw away the difficult child. It is that you simply have no idea how you can continue to BE, much less continue to love the child that is so scary and dangerous. The worst weeks of my life happened when I found my beloved Wiz with his hands clamped around my also beloved Jessica's throat in the middle of the night. The very fabric of my life and existence were viciously shredded at that moment. I expected it to get better when we admitted him to the psychiatric hospital. I had no idea that it would get so much worse before it got even a teensy smidgen of an iota better. The things that ran through my head and heart and soul when he told me everything he had done to Jessical were things that I didn't even know it was possible to feel and think. And then I had to go home and tell my husband about all of it (I did most of the psychiatric hospital trips because he was working and in grad school. He did go many times for therapy, visiting, etc... but couldn't make the trip 4 times a week.) and devastate his world also. It is normal and acceptable to have the feeling that you are having. It isn't fun, but feelings are not "wrong". They are and must be recognized and processed. If you do not have a therapist of your own, go out and get one on Monday. It make take seeing several different tdocs until you find one that you can really work with. Strongly encourage your husband to also see a therapist. Animal cruelty is a MAJOR sign of serious problems in every aspect of his life. It is also considered to be very much a predictor of violence in the rest of his life/relationships. While it is super had to keep feeling the love, he is still the child that you adopted and loved from the first moment you welcomed him into your life. Abandonment is a major issue for adopted people, but that cannot be allowed to keep you from making sure that every being in your home is safe from violence at all times. It is very possible to have one child living in a psychiatric hospital, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or even therapeutic foster home or group home and to STILL be a family and love each other. One mom here (Timer Lady I think) started calling it being a "family of different addresses". My family has been a family of different addresses for 5 years. Wiz could not be safe (nonviolent) while living with us. He went to lvie iwth my parents and it saved him and our relationship with him. I truly believe that one or more of us would be dead if we had kept Wiz living at home. He was only 14 and it wrecked me for a long time, but now he is entirely the sweet, quirky funny son we knew he was underneath all the gfgness. In your situation you really NEED that lawyer to help you. You have been working very hard to keep your son with you and to prevent the violence that he desplays very often (based on your info about psychiatric hospital stays, etc...). You have truly gone to great lengths to help him be able to have a loving home and good life with you. If he is to come home you will need to rehome your pets. Not just the cat that he tried to kill, ALL of your pets. It simply isn't right or fair to them to keep them in a home where one member wants to hurt/kill them. It is also important to put an emphasis on what your daughter needs right now. We often get caught up in the needs of our difficult children that we end up not paying as much attention to what our easy child's are going through and upset about. The pcs seem like they are doing okay and the difficult child seems like he needs so mcuh more that we let our pcs handle things more than we otherwise might. OFten the easy child doesn't want to upset us because the stress, strain and demands of the care and feeding of difficult children is so enormous. Then something like this happens and we cannot continue to put the major emphasis on difficult child. It comes to a point where we cannot sacrifice our easy child on the altar of gfgness that can monopolize our thoughts, feelings and actions. If you have ANY idea that difficult child has hurt his sister, talk to a therapist and have easy child talk to one. Then you may need to call CPS and report that difficult child is abusing her. If he is abusing the pets he may have already started to hurt her or he may be building up to this. Chances are that it will take difficult child beingout of the home for several weeks or even a month or two before you and her therapist will begin to realize all that difficult child has done to her. You should be able to talk to a social worker at the psychiatric hospital. It may be time to let them know that coming home is not the appropriate placement for him until he is stable and able to make safe choices. They may not want to help you with this, but most states have this as an option. This isn 't necessarily giving up parental rights but is often a way to help defuse the home situation, keep everyone (especially other children) safe from his violent behaviors. the lawyer may be able to help with this. I know some other members have taken this step before their difficult child was able to live in the family home safely. Timer Lady may be able to give more info on this, and Star also may be able to help. Personally, I would not be able to bring my son home if he was behaving with the violence that your son shows because I would be afraid for all of us and would be sure that it would be incredibly unsafe and even dangerously foolhardy to have him in a private home setting. He is just too likely to hurt someone, any family member or even to sneak out or go to school and seriously harm someone else. This is NOT giving up on him but rather it is making sure that he has what he needs to have a chance at growing up to be a responsible member of society and your family. If you have no other options you may need to give serious thought to disrupting the adoption. Some will see it as abandoning a troubled child. It may eben feel that way to you at times. But it is also choosing to protect your other child, your spouse and yourself AND the general communtiy from someone who is not capable of behaving in a manner that doesn't hurt or endanger other people. You have my support regardless of what has to happen to make sure that everyone is safe. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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