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How do you keep feeling love after they cross the line?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 419479" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>3peeps, give your daughters grave and fragile condition, and the years that you have struggled to help your son and contain/limit/eliminate his violence, I really think you are at or very close to the point that TimerLady was at when she and her husband refused to pick their son up from the hospital. It is NOT easy and will take an enormous amount of strength on your part. The regularly recurring violence at school and at home (I know you have posted about this before and have struggled to help difficult child for a very long time with little help and fewer results) is at the point where it seems to be a very serious threat to your daughter.</p><p> </p><p>WHile it IS possible to let your daughter go live with relatives, it likely is not the best thing for her. Once you have more than 1 child in the home the best interests of each child must be weighed. IF your son had shown any progress in the years you have been fighting to help him heal and learn not to hurt others, I would probably suggest that you continue with therapy, medications and the things that have helped so far. Sadly, it really sounds like your son is becoming more violent and NOT learning how to handle his anger/rage or how to not hurt others. Do you know if he is actually angry when he is hurting someone or an animal, or if it is more a way to alleviate boredome or to get an adrenaline rush?? Regardless, youmust put the physical safety of both your daughter and yourself at the highest priority level. </p><p> </p><p>It truly does not sound as if your son is CAPABLE of not being violent to others at this time. So refusing to bring him home even if they charge you with abandonment may be the only way to get more help for him AND to make sure that your very fragile and vulnerable daughter is safe. I looked up her condition and the thought of how her body must react to even minor injuries, and the fact that your son must be at least somewhat aware of this makes me even more afraid for her safety. </p><p> </p><p>It is really easy for us to become so focused on helping our difficult children learn better ways to behave and cope that we can brush some of the needs of our other children aside because those needs are not as urgent or as serious/huge. In your case I do NOT think that it is possible. The fragility of your daughter and the serious nature of her illness means that her needs MUST be a major priority. After all, she is very likely to have a much shorter lifespan and a LOT more pain and problems from the medical issues than she can overcome or even just handle with-o a major amount of your attention and focus to help her have the best, fullest life possible. Your difficult child has such serious problems, and the likelihood that he will hurt your daughter and cause her body's reaction to that injury could be life threatening at worst and incredibly painful at best. </p><p> </p><p>So you need to work on finding a way to be at least a family of different addresses, the way TimerLady needed to arrange. I wish you lived in the same state as TimerLady as her state really seems to handle severely violent difficult children better than any other state I can think of. </p><p> </p><p>One option that you may not have taken or thought of is to call child protection and report that difficult child is abusing his sister in ways that can be life threatening or at least very severe. I am quite sure that his violence is not limited to those outside your home or to pets. You may not be aware of it because your daughter may hide it from you due to threats from him, but it is highly probable that he has hurt her also. If this is reported to child protection, they will have to do a report. If your pediatrician or one of the specialists who treats your daughter can report it (if you or your daughter tell them about it then they MSUT report it) it will put even more weight on the report and pressure on CPS to do something. </p><p> </p><p>Wiz was very violent to Jessica. After we learned about the extreme violence to her, we were blessed enough to find a psychiatric hospital that took him for months. As soon as we knew he was there, we took Jess to the pediatrician to get the referrals to psychiatrists, etc.... We asked the doctor to report it, though she would have anyway. By doing this we had her voice telling CPS that we were doing everything humanly possible to stop it and to keep it from happening again. The investigation was still not fun, but it went a LONG way to keeping the state from finding that we neglected our daughter's safety. Even 2 years later when we had to go to court with Wiz because he was violent against me, the head of CPS still remembered us and told the judge that we had literally tried all we could think of to keep everyone safe and we needed the court to intervene. (the court didn't because they pushed it away until my parents stepped in, but the judge could have ordered us to take Wiz home and to turn Jess and thank you over to the state but CPS stopped that because they said it would traumatize the children we worked so hard to keep safe).</p><p> </p><p>So reporting that difficult child is abusing children to CPS may be a way to get more help. In fact, how much influence does the SPCA/Humane Society have in your area. A report of cruelty to animals MIGHT get them to help you push the court/CPS/whomever to help because your son is abusing animals. It is probably a long shot, but maybe it might help.</p><p> </p><p>I know that you love both of your children (even when you cannot STAND difficult child's behavior) and that this is incredibly hard for you. My ideas/experiences may not help, but you have my total support for whatever you do. Hopefully if your son can be placed somewhere that he cannot hurt anyone else and he can learn how to not hurt others no matter how he is feeling.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 419479, member: 1233"] 3peeps, give your daughters grave and fragile condition, and the years that you have struggled to help your son and contain/limit/eliminate his violence, I really think you are at or very close to the point that TimerLady was at when she and her husband refused to pick their son up from the hospital. It is NOT easy and will take an enormous amount of strength on your part. The regularly recurring violence at school and at home (I know you have posted about this before and have struggled to help difficult child for a very long time with little help and fewer results) is at the point where it seems to be a very serious threat to your daughter. WHile it IS possible to let your daughter go live with relatives, it likely is not the best thing for her. Once you have more than 1 child in the home the best interests of each child must be weighed. IF your son had shown any progress in the years you have been fighting to help him heal and learn not to hurt others, I would probably suggest that you continue with therapy, medications and the things that have helped so far. Sadly, it really sounds like your son is becoming more violent and NOT learning how to handle his anger/rage or how to not hurt others. Do you know if he is actually angry when he is hurting someone or an animal, or if it is more a way to alleviate boredome or to get an adrenaline rush?? Regardless, youmust put the physical safety of both your daughter and yourself at the highest priority level. It truly does not sound as if your son is CAPABLE of not being violent to others at this time. So refusing to bring him home even if they charge you with abandonment may be the only way to get more help for him AND to make sure that your very fragile and vulnerable daughter is safe. I looked up her condition and the thought of how her body must react to even minor injuries, and the fact that your son must be at least somewhat aware of this makes me even more afraid for her safety. It is really easy for us to become so focused on helping our difficult children learn better ways to behave and cope that we can brush some of the needs of our other children aside because those needs are not as urgent or as serious/huge. In your case I do NOT think that it is possible. The fragility of your daughter and the serious nature of her illness means that her needs MUST be a major priority. After all, she is very likely to have a much shorter lifespan and a LOT more pain and problems from the medical issues than she can overcome or even just handle with-o a major amount of your attention and focus to help her have the best, fullest life possible. Your difficult child has such serious problems, and the likelihood that he will hurt your daughter and cause her body's reaction to that injury could be life threatening at worst and incredibly painful at best. So you need to work on finding a way to be at least a family of different addresses, the way TimerLady needed to arrange. I wish you lived in the same state as TimerLady as her state really seems to handle severely violent difficult children better than any other state I can think of. One option that you may not have taken or thought of is to call child protection and report that difficult child is abusing his sister in ways that can be life threatening or at least very severe. I am quite sure that his violence is not limited to those outside your home or to pets. You may not be aware of it because your daughter may hide it from you due to threats from him, but it is highly probable that he has hurt her also. If this is reported to child protection, they will have to do a report. If your pediatrician or one of the specialists who treats your daughter can report it (if you or your daughter tell them about it then they MSUT report it) it will put even more weight on the report and pressure on CPS to do something. Wiz was very violent to Jessica. After we learned about the extreme violence to her, we were blessed enough to find a psychiatric hospital that took him for months. As soon as we knew he was there, we took Jess to the pediatrician to get the referrals to psychiatrists, etc.... We asked the doctor to report it, though she would have anyway. By doing this we had her voice telling CPS that we were doing everything humanly possible to stop it and to keep it from happening again. The investigation was still not fun, but it went a LONG way to keeping the state from finding that we neglected our daughter's safety. Even 2 years later when we had to go to court with Wiz because he was violent against me, the head of CPS still remembered us and told the judge that we had literally tried all we could think of to keep everyone safe and we needed the court to intervene. (the court didn't because they pushed it away until my parents stepped in, but the judge could have ordered us to take Wiz home and to turn Jess and thank you over to the state but CPS stopped that because they said it would traumatize the children we worked so hard to keep safe). So reporting that difficult child is abusing children to CPS may be a way to get more help. In fact, how much influence does the SPCA/Humane Society have in your area. A report of cruelty to animals MIGHT get them to help you push the court/CPS/whomever to help because your son is abusing animals. It is probably a long shot, but maybe it might help. I know that you love both of your children (even when you cannot STAND difficult child's behavior) and that this is incredibly hard for you. My ideas/experiences may not help, but you have my total support for whatever you do. Hopefully if your son can be placed somewhere that he cannot hurt anyone else and he can learn how to not hurt others no matter how he is feeling. [/QUOTE]
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