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Substance Abuse
How do you overcome guilt ?
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 739649" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Octavia your situation sounds a lot like mine. You can read the ugly details over in parent emeritus if you want (apple and the tree). But my son is also on the streets. Also just beat up his father, my ex (though I am not on friendly terms with mine). Also abusing, in C’s case alcohol, pot, and probably a few other things when he can afford it. But the alcohol and pot are problems enough on their own. </p><p></p><p>Don’t feel guilty about protecting yourself or your peace. You did not put him wherever he is. He did. He would not be there if he were holding a job or holding his temper. He is clearly not in control of himself now, and you can’t put yourself at risk. Nor would it help to give him another soft place to land while he is abusing and out of control. It would end badly. </p><p></p><p>Again, it is not your fault he is where he is. Do not feel guilty. Do not take on responsibility for his choices. </p><p></p><p>I really think pot is a bigger problem for a lot of our kids than they want to admit. Mine swears it is medicinal. He ‘needs’ it to manage his anxiety or he can’t function. But the more I read and observe the more I realize that pot doesn’t mellow everyone. There is a rebound effect that causes growing paranoia and agitation. And paradoxically makes the anxiety and other problems they are trying to self treat worse over time. I think pot and bipolar is probably a bad combination. </p><p></p><p>People here have given me excellent advice about pointing mine to sober living houses and community resources that put him in charge of his recovery, not me. Sadly, we are the WORST people to try to help, because they will always fall back on patterns of entitlement and dependence with us. Any refuge we offer will inevitably end with kicking them out, perhaps after much damage has been done and perhaps requiring police intervention. And then they would be right where they are now anyway. </p><p></p><p>I know how much this hurts. I’ve cried a lot over the last few weeks. I feel helpless and angry and guilty and scared. I feel baffled that he would allow things to get to this. I don’t understand how a boy from a middle class home in a small town can end up homeless and desperate in the city. I worry about what other people must think, that they must think I’m some kind of monster to let my son be on the streets. </p><p></p><p>But I am holding firm onto the refuge of peace I have built in my home. I am respecting my partner’s right, and my own right, to feel safe and comfortable in the home we are paying for and maintaining. And I am respecting my son’s right to make his own choices, and allowing him to live with the consequences on those choices. It is not our job to rescue them anymore as adults. Letting them avoid those consequences only prolongs the agony. </p><p></p><p>I pray both of our sons will find will to change within themselves as they walk this path. Peace and hugs to you. You’re not on this road alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 739649, member: 23349"] Octavia your situation sounds a lot like mine. You can read the ugly details over in parent emeritus if you want (apple and the tree). But my son is also on the streets. Also just beat up his father, my ex (though I am not on friendly terms with mine). Also abusing, in C’s case alcohol, pot, and probably a few other things when he can afford it. But the alcohol and pot are problems enough on their own. Don’t feel guilty about protecting yourself or your peace. You did not put him wherever he is. He did. He would not be there if he were holding a job or holding his temper. He is clearly not in control of himself now, and you can’t put yourself at risk. Nor would it help to give him another soft place to land while he is abusing and out of control. It would end badly. Again, it is not your fault he is where he is. Do not feel guilty. Do not take on responsibility for his choices. I really think pot is a bigger problem for a lot of our kids than they want to admit. Mine swears it is medicinal. He ‘needs’ it to manage his anxiety or he can’t function. But the more I read and observe the more I realize that pot doesn’t mellow everyone. There is a rebound effect that causes growing paranoia and agitation. And paradoxically makes the anxiety and other problems they are trying to self treat worse over time. I think pot and bipolar is probably a bad combination. People here have given me excellent advice about pointing mine to sober living houses and community resources that put him in charge of his recovery, not me. Sadly, we are the WORST people to try to help, because they will always fall back on patterns of entitlement and dependence with us. Any refuge we offer will inevitably end with kicking them out, perhaps after much damage has been done and perhaps requiring police intervention. And then they would be right where they are now anyway. I know how much this hurts. I’ve cried a lot over the last few weeks. I feel helpless and angry and guilty and scared. I feel baffled that he would allow things to get to this. I don’t understand how a boy from a middle class home in a small town can end up homeless and desperate in the city. I worry about what other people must think, that they must think I’m some kind of monster to let my son be on the streets. But I am holding firm onto the refuge of peace I have built in my home. I am respecting my partner’s right, and my own right, to feel safe and comfortable in the home we are paying for and maintaining. And I am respecting my son’s right to make his own choices, and allowing him to live with the consequences on those choices. It is not our job to rescue them anymore as adults. Letting them avoid those consequences only prolongs the agony. I pray both of our sons will find will to change within themselves as they walk this path. Peace and hugs to you. You’re not on this road alone. [/QUOTE]
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