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How do you regain a fresh perspective with difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="Hanging-On" data-source="post: 369380" data-attributes="member: 2325"><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: Purple">You expressed that so wonderfully. What total insight you have, and the ability to communicate it. Truly great job. To just validate what you're saying, I know exactly how you feel. I haven't been on here for a year, and came back today to basically post something similar. It sounds like your difficult child is older than mine. Mine's 11 yr old. But the first 5 paragraphs are dead on. Another mother I just met recently, who has apparently seen how destroyed I am inside has told me several times 'you're a great mom", and has given me a huge bear hug. I've NEVER NEVER NEVER heard those words before (from anyone) but it helped something inside of me. So, you need to hear it too......."YOU'RE A GREAT MOM"!!! WITH A HUGE BEAR HUG, to help it sink in. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: Purple">What I'm tired of is his providers telling me to "disengage becuase if you are disregulated, then that triggers him". So I have turned off my feelings and have gone numb, just to have them now tell me that I'm not giving difficult child affection and lovingly consoling him when is out of control, which they say may stop him from exculating. So now I'm a ginea pig, to test their "what if you do this" tests. So I understand what you are saying. How can you disengage and set healthy boundaries against the abuse, and not let it destroy the loving nuturing mom you so desire to be. But the constant rejection of your motherly love and desire to be a family just destroys you inside a little bit at a time until there is only numbness and you live on survival auto-pilot. And if you are a survivor of domestic violence anyway (because you escaped with the children, from their physically violent and manipulating father), then only being hypervigulent regarding proven violence from difficult child is just a natural defence mechanism. I keep telling my difficult child's providers that I'm a survivor of DM (escaped with the children, from their father), and that I'm now living in a DM house again because my autistic child is still throwing violent meltdowns and he's getting big enough to really hurt me. So for them to tell me it's NOT DM because he's a child, and to expect me not be emotionally triggered and scared of him when he flips and goes after me violently and injures me, is putting all the blame on my shoulders....so how is this helping?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: Purple"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: Purple">What I find additionally harmful is when his doctors and therapist and providers all see that to personally survive I must become numb, and that instead of validating it and giving me some kind words like 'it'll be ok', that they then condemn me for it and make me feel worse because I'm not superhuman and perfect for what my child needs. I'm starting to see all of these providers in the mental health arena as quacks experimenting on us, than actually helping us. The only ones who have a shred of good advice or insight are the ones who are parents of adult children who were very difficult to raise too. They've been there themselves, so they have that understanding that no matter what you do, it's not ALL YOUR FAULT. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hanging-On, post: 369380, member: 2325"] [SIZE="4"][COLOR="Purple"]You expressed that so wonderfully. What total insight you have, and the ability to communicate it. Truly great job. To just validate what you're saying, I know exactly how you feel. I haven't been on here for a year, and came back today to basically post something similar. It sounds like your difficult child is older than mine. Mine's 11 yr old. But the first 5 paragraphs are dead on. Another mother I just met recently, who has apparently seen how destroyed I am inside has told me several times 'you're a great mom", and has given me a huge bear hug. I've NEVER NEVER NEVER heard those words before (from anyone) but it helped something inside of me. So, you need to hear it too......."YOU'RE A GREAT MOM"!!! WITH A HUGE BEAR HUG, to help it sink in. What I'm tired of is his providers telling me to "disengage becuase if you are disregulated, then that triggers him". So I have turned off my feelings and have gone numb, just to have them now tell me that I'm not giving difficult child affection and lovingly consoling him when is out of control, which they say may stop him from exculating. So now I'm a ginea pig, to test their "what if you do this" tests. So I understand what you are saying. How can you disengage and set healthy boundaries against the abuse, and not let it destroy the loving nuturing mom you so desire to be. But the constant rejection of your motherly love and desire to be a family just destroys you inside a little bit at a time until there is only numbness and you live on survival auto-pilot. And if you are a survivor of domestic violence anyway (because you escaped with the children, from their physically violent and manipulating father), then only being hypervigulent regarding proven violence from difficult child is just a natural defence mechanism. I keep telling my difficult child's providers that I'm a survivor of DM (escaped with the children, from their father), and that I'm now living in a DM house again because my autistic child is still throwing violent meltdowns and he's getting big enough to really hurt me. So for them to tell me it's NOT DM because he's a child, and to expect me not be emotionally triggered and scared of him when he flips and goes after me violently and injures me, is putting all the blame on my shoulders....so how is this helping? What I find additionally harmful is when his doctors and therapist and providers all see that to personally survive I must become numb, and that instead of validating it and giving me some kind words like 'it'll be ok', that they then condemn me for it and make me feel worse because I'm not superhuman and perfect for what my child needs. I'm starting to see all of these providers in the mental health arena as quacks experimenting on us, than actually helping us. The only ones who have a shred of good advice or insight are the ones who are parents of adult children who were very difficult to raise too. They've been there themselves, so they have that understanding that no matter what you do, it's not ALL YOUR FAULT. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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