I've noticed lately that what should be healthy detachment and boundaries has turned to almost a feeling of being withdrawn and resentful toward difficult child. I do love him dearly and want to do what I can to interact with him in a sane and healthy way. Sometimes I fail at that. While I realize he has a disorder and some of his behaviors may or may not be controllable it still has eroded away at me. I try to be patient and understanding but it doesn't lessen the pain of what now has amounted to 4 years of pretty much being treated like a doormat. I think I just hit my tolerance level and have taken all I can take while being a nurturing and understanding Mother. Now I feel edgy around him and sometimes even feel quite hostile. It wasn't always like that though. He has made progress but we still have our back and forth mood cycles which are getting very old with me. I think I am now overly defensive and am possibly percieving typical teen moodiness as the tip of what could quickly be a meltdown iceberg. I find myself almost overly disciplining prematurely in anticipation of him digressing where I know he could. It's like I just sense a teensy weensy bit of his 'tude and I jump on him because I am absolutely fed up and unwilling to tolerate even one more meltdown. He is trying though and the positive feedback is hard for me to come by. I have lost my enthusiasm with him. I am done. I have seen peace during his good cycle and will not let him throw us into chaos again. I'm tired of the false sense of security when times are good only to get the wind knocked out of me when difficult child decides he feels crabby. I wish I could ease up but he is constant maintenance. I wish I could trust him to just keep on being a decent guy but he is the kind who slacks and slacks the first chance he gets and then slips back to bad bad things. Plus, he kinda hurt my feelings and offended me pretty bad. My ex was abusive. difficult child asked me to leave, it was that bad. So, for the next 4 years he ws abusive and angry at me because ex wasn't around. Then one day difficult child decided he was done punishing me and said so. Nice... I guess he is over his anger at the ex because I was the fall guy. Well now out of the blue he suddenly is feeling nostalgic and misses the ex. OK fine. However, whenever they talk on the phone difficult child kisses his rear end and does anything he can to make him happy. I got caught in the middle, got punished for damage I didn't do and now the beast who messed up my difficult child is the cool one. I was the one here fighting like heck to save this difficult child and am a piece of garbage that must have no feelings?!?! I'm stuck picking up the pieces and getting dumped on. difficult child isn't the type to decide that I was the good guy when he grows up. He is too selfish for that and has no remorse or compassion. So, as you can see I'm finding it hard to be a good parent anymore and am filled with a lot of frustration. I am tired of making sacrifices that no one appreciates. I don't need a parade or even a thank you. Maybe it would just be nice to have some dignity and to be treated like an actual human being for once. difficult child has no trouble being a perfct angel to anyone but me. In the end I am the only one who has never let him down. He doesn't even realize what I do for him and what he has put me through. I don't think he ever will because everything is someone elses fault (mine) and he doesn't care about anyone but himself. I could be dead and he wouldn't care as long as whoever had him spent some cash on him. He would turn on a video game and it would be like I never even existed. All those years of packing his lunch, making halloween costumes, tucking him in every night, baking cookies, making sacrifice after sacrifice at much expense to myself all amount to nothing in the end. Emotional disorder or not that junk really hurts when he dishes it.