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How do you regain a fresh perspective with difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="TerryJ2" data-source="post: 369384" data-attributes="member: 3419"><p>I hear you.</p><p>Great insight, profound comments.</p><p>A couple things jumped out at me: <em>the positive feedback is hard for me to come by</em>, and <em>My ex was abusive.</em></p><p> </p><p>You may be reacting toward your difficult child with-resentment you still feel for your ex, and for the extra burden you have, raising difficult child "alone," even though you have a new husband. Having had an abusive mother, I know the feeling of emotional exhaustion and how unfair it all is. But nobody ever said life was fair. *I* decide what is fair now, and I am no longer under my mother's control, so I can call the shots with-difficult child. That is an important distinction and a huge feeling of empowerment. The doormat issue is one you can control. You do not have to make difficult child's bed, you do not have to serve 8-course meals, you do not have to chauffer him around. You only have to provide a roof over his head, some kind of food, and access to education in some form. Period.</p><p> </p><p>I, too, have had a hard time telling difficult child "Good job!" when I really want to smack him silly.</p><p>How do I do it? I remember that he is a child in a teenager's body. He's got something wrong with-his brain and cannot process emotions--his own and others'--properly. Also, I remember how awful my mother was to me, and how it devastated me as a child. Do I want to do that to my kid? No way, Jose'. He's got enough problems not fittng in, not being the head of his football or baseball team, barely passing math, you name it, and doesn't need me pummeling him emotionally. That doesn't mean I can't be honest. Believe me, I tell him he has BO and needs to clean up all the time! When I see that he has done something good that is minor, it's still good--just not everything I wanted. I still have to tell him it's good. "Great job picking up your socks. I see a pr of boxer shorts over there. Can you toss them to me and I'll throw them in the laundry? Come down to the laundry room with-me and we'll do a load together."</p><p>99.9% of the time, he is more willing to do the laundry if I go with-him. One min he screams that he hates me, and the next, he wants to be with-me. Very much like a baby or toddler--you know how they can stop crying in a heartbeat and get distracted and laugh? That's my difficult child. *I* can't do it ... I'm still pretty miserable, and sometimes it gets so bad I have to tell difficult child that he's hurt me and I need to have a good cry and go to bed. But most of the time I pretend that I'm a robot and I just force the words of praise to come out of my mouth, and it really, really makes a difference in his behavior.</p><p> </p><p>Don't know if that helps or not ...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TerryJ2, post: 369384, member: 3419"] I hear you. Great insight, profound comments. A couple things jumped out at me: [I]the positive feedback is hard for me to come by[/I], and [I]My ex was abusive.[/I] You may be reacting toward your difficult child with-resentment you still feel for your ex, and for the extra burden you have, raising difficult child "alone," even though you have a new husband. Having had an abusive mother, I know the feeling of emotional exhaustion and how unfair it all is. But nobody ever said life was fair. *I* decide what is fair now, and I am no longer under my mother's control, so I can call the shots with-difficult child. That is an important distinction and a huge feeling of empowerment. The doormat issue is one you can control. You do not have to make difficult child's bed, you do not have to serve 8-course meals, you do not have to chauffer him around. You only have to provide a roof over his head, some kind of food, and access to education in some form. Period. I, too, have had a hard time telling difficult child "Good job!" when I really want to smack him silly. How do I do it? I remember that he is a child in a teenager's body. He's got something wrong with-his brain and cannot process emotions--his own and others'--properly. Also, I remember how awful my mother was to me, and how it devastated me as a child. Do I want to do that to my kid? No way, Jose'. He's got enough problems not fittng in, not being the head of his football or baseball team, barely passing math, you name it, and doesn't need me pummeling him emotionally. That doesn't mean I can't be honest. Believe me, I tell him he has BO and needs to clean up all the time! When I see that he has done something good that is minor, it's still good--just not everything I wanted. I still have to tell him it's good. "Great job picking up your socks. I see a pr of boxer shorts over there. Can you toss them to me and I'll throw them in the laundry? Come down to the laundry room with-me and we'll do a load together." 99.9% of the time, he is more willing to do the laundry if I go with-him. One min he screams that he hates me, and the next, he wants to be with-me. Very much like a baby or toddler--you know how they can stop crying in a heartbeat and get distracted and laugh? That's my difficult child. *I* can't do it ... I'm still pretty miserable, and sometimes it gets so bad I have to tell difficult child that he's hurt me and I need to have a good cry and go to bed. But most of the time I pretend that I'm a robot and I just force the words of praise to come out of my mouth, and it really, really makes a difference in his behavior. Don't know if that helps or not ... [/QUOTE]
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