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How do you regain a fresh perspective with difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmwife" data-source="post: 369389" data-attributes="member: 8617"><p>It's nice to know I am not alone. It hoovers I have company in this though...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I have a lot of guilt when it comes to difficult child. Though I realize his diagnosis is inescapable due to genetics I fell as if I made things worse through a series of bad choices such as sticking with the abusive ex as long as I did or a laundry list of other things that impacted him at a young age. I feel responsible for his awful history because that was NOT his fault at all and I should have known better I could have changed things but I was too young and too stupid. that's not a fair excuse.</p><p> </p><p>I see difficult child as having the potential to be okay some day. I also see the potential for him to be not okay. While I realize that he is his own person I also see how much he struggles. </p><p> </p><p>I'm afraid.</p><p> </p><p>I'm afraid because he has a potnetially degenerative disorder. I'm afraid because he is depressed and lonely a lot. I'm afraid that one day he may become a drug addict due to his addictive behavior and impulse control issues. I'm even more afraid that as an adult he will quit his medications, get worse and possibly commit suicide. Even if all those things are by his own hands I would never forgive myself. I could never forget how I unwittingly set these events into motion.</p><p> </p><p>I know we mourn as parents for milestones our kids may never reach like college or a normal job. I'm just afraid I will be left to mourn so much more and be ridden with regret. I keep feeling like if I just try one more thing or try harder that a breakthrough is just around th bend.</p><p> </p><p>I feel helpless because I am smart enough to know better.</p><p> </p><p>It just breaks my heart to watch difficult child's titanic set sail toward frigid waters. I hate looking at pictures of him and his litte sister because I keep imaging having to tell her how much he loved her in the past tense some day when she is grown.</p><p> </p><p>I'm afraid because I sense there is nothing I can do to save my child or protect him. I would die for him if he needed me to and sometimes it feels like I already am a little bit at a time.</p><p> </p><p>As much as he tortures me on a regular basis I cannot imagine my world without him.</p><p> </p><p>I may as well be a can of rusty nails to him. His lack of empathy is astounding. Fairness is a fairytale.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmwife, post: 369389, member: 8617"] It's nice to know I am not alone. It hoovers I have company in this though... I have a lot of guilt when it comes to difficult child. Though I realize his diagnosis is inescapable due to genetics I fell as if I made things worse through a series of bad choices such as sticking with the abusive ex as long as I did or a laundry list of other things that impacted him at a young age. I feel responsible for his awful history because that was NOT his fault at all and I should have known better I could have changed things but I was too young and too stupid. that's not a fair excuse. I see difficult child as having the potential to be okay some day. I also see the potential for him to be not okay. While I realize that he is his own person I also see how much he struggles. I'm afraid. I'm afraid because he has a potnetially degenerative disorder. I'm afraid because he is depressed and lonely a lot. I'm afraid that one day he may become a drug addict due to his addictive behavior and impulse control issues. I'm even more afraid that as an adult he will quit his medications, get worse and possibly commit suicide. Even if all those things are by his own hands I would never forgive myself. I could never forget how I unwittingly set these events into motion. I know we mourn as parents for milestones our kids may never reach like college or a normal job. I'm just afraid I will be left to mourn so much more and be ridden with regret. I keep feeling like if I just try one more thing or try harder that a breakthrough is just around th bend. I feel helpless because I am smart enough to know better. It just breaks my heart to watch difficult child's titanic set sail toward frigid waters. I hate looking at pictures of him and his litte sister because I keep imaging having to tell her how much he loved her in the past tense some day when she is grown. I'm afraid because I sense there is nothing I can do to save my child or protect him. I would die for him if he needed me to and sometimes it feels like I already am a little bit at a time. As much as he tortures me on a regular basis I cannot imagine my world without him. I may as well be a can of rusty nails to him. His lack of empathy is astounding. Fairness is a fairytale. [/QUOTE]
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