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How do you regain a fresh perspective with difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 369429" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Farmwife, I've had to skim the other responses but what I saw didn't change what I wanted to say to you.</p><p></p><p>You ask how to change your perspective towards your difficult child - well, to do that the person you need to change is YOU. </p><p></p><p>It's like this in so many areas of parenting a difficult child. If we want them to change their behaviour, first we have to change our own behaviour towards them. If we want our children to show respect, we first have to model that respect toward them, even if we feel resentful about it. Because someone has to be the hero, someone has to start first.</p><p></p><p>In your case, I think you have to forgive yourself first and to respect yourself first, so he can learn that you are worthy of respect and worthy of forgiving. Then you keep modelling it for him (and in the meantime, begin to feel better about yourself and let it show) and then just wait for it to hopefully percolate through. </p><p></p><p>Nobody said that in learning to help our kids and learning to de-fuse raging, we have to become doormats to our kids. No way. That is not it at all. If you feel resentful and a doormat, what you are doing is not working. Yes, we need to help our kids learn the right way to behave towards others, but not at our own expense. True, reacting angrily to "disrespect" achieves very little as a rule, but that doesn't mean we let them walk all over us - that resentment would show and undermine any perceived benefit. There are ways, and then there are ways... modelling the right responses is better than ignoring it and also better than yelling at the to stop shouting at us.</p><p></p><p>To change your mindset, you need to change your mind and to also turn around your negative feelings. You feel bad about the past, you grieve the child you now believe you've never had and never will have, and it all hurts. In there you feel guilty that somehow you contributed - I don't see how you did, but you seem to feel tat weight on you.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps as a starting point, find something of you in your life, make it your own and own it. Take up hobby or a job, and enjoy it. It is yours, it is something you do for yourself It is not only unselfish to do this, it is actively a good thing for the rest of the family too, because again you are setting an example in self-improvement and self-respect.</p><p></p><p>Next, and perhaps the most important - catch him out doing something good. It can be a little things, but try to find one thing each day (more if you can) to genuinely praise him for. It has to be unconditional praise. And you have to mean it. It can be something like, "I am so proud of you, planning your own shopping lit like this!"</p><p>If he SNAFU's up, then no recriminations, no "undermining. Just "better luck next time" and if he permits it, help him work out where he went wrong so he can avoid the pitfalls next time.</p><p></p><p>He will make mistakes and he will make decisions you disagree with. The best you can do is be there as a fallback if he asks for help. </p><p></p><p>Something that may help, is if you can stop thinking of him as your child, and start thinking of him as a housemate, as a tenant. Think how you would relate to someone who was an adult tenant, someone who as a friend of yours, moves in for a while and you have to make some allowances for, to and fro. How would you enforce the house rules with a friend who doesn't always get it right? Now think about how you relate to your son - could it be modified to bring it more into line with how you would talk to a friend in this situation? If your 'friend' is inept at doing the laundry, wouldn't you show them how to use the washing machine safely? Everything you do at this stage is heading your son towards living independently.</p><p></p><p>One day your son will be an adult and will be making up his own mind about things. If he is still in touch with the abusive ex, he will spend time with him and learn for himself that it's not so rosy after all. If that is what it takes, then you have to let that happen. You've done your best to protect your son and to keep him safe - now it's time for him to learn self-protection.</p><p></p><p>Go easy on yourself. It's time for you to find your own feet and forgive yourself. You are probably your own harshest critic!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 369429, member: 1991"] Farmwife, I've had to skim the other responses but what I saw didn't change what I wanted to say to you. You ask how to change your perspective towards your difficult child - well, to do that the person you need to change is YOU. It's like this in so many areas of parenting a difficult child. If we want them to change their behaviour, first we have to change our own behaviour towards them. If we want our children to show respect, we first have to model that respect toward them, even if we feel resentful about it. Because someone has to be the hero, someone has to start first. In your case, I think you have to forgive yourself first and to respect yourself first, so he can learn that you are worthy of respect and worthy of forgiving. Then you keep modelling it for him (and in the meantime, begin to feel better about yourself and let it show) and then just wait for it to hopefully percolate through. Nobody said that in learning to help our kids and learning to de-fuse raging, we have to become doormats to our kids. No way. That is not it at all. If you feel resentful and a doormat, what you are doing is not working. Yes, we need to help our kids learn the right way to behave towards others, but not at our own expense. True, reacting angrily to "disrespect" achieves very little as a rule, but that doesn't mean we let them walk all over us - that resentment would show and undermine any perceived benefit. There are ways, and then there are ways... modelling the right responses is better than ignoring it and also better than yelling at the to stop shouting at us. To change your mindset, you need to change your mind and to also turn around your negative feelings. You feel bad about the past, you grieve the child you now believe you've never had and never will have, and it all hurts. In there you feel guilty that somehow you contributed - I don't see how you did, but you seem to feel tat weight on you. Perhaps as a starting point, find something of you in your life, make it your own and own it. Take up hobby or a job, and enjoy it. It is yours, it is something you do for yourself It is not only unselfish to do this, it is actively a good thing for the rest of the family too, because again you are setting an example in self-improvement and self-respect. Next, and perhaps the most important - catch him out doing something good. It can be a little things, but try to find one thing each day (more if you can) to genuinely praise him for. It has to be unconditional praise. And you have to mean it. It can be something like, "I am so proud of you, planning your own shopping lit like this!" If he SNAFU's up, then no recriminations, no "undermining. Just "better luck next time" and if he permits it, help him work out where he went wrong so he can avoid the pitfalls next time. He will make mistakes and he will make decisions you disagree with. The best you can do is be there as a fallback if he asks for help. Something that may help, is if you can stop thinking of him as your child, and start thinking of him as a housemate, as a tenant. Think how you would relate to someone who was an adult tenant, someone who as a friend of yours, moves in for a while and you have to make some allowances for, to and fro. How would you enforce the house rules with a friend who doesn't always get it right? Now think about how you relate to your son - could it be modified to bring it more into line with how you would talk to a friend in this situation? If your 'friend' is inept at doing the laundry, wouldn't you show them how to use the washing machine safely? Everything you do at this stage is heading your son towards living independently. One day your son will be an adult and will be making up his own mind about things. If he is still in touch with the abusive ex, he will spend time with him and learn for himself that it's not so rosy after all. If that is what it takes, then you have to let that happen. You've done your best to protect your son and to keep him safe - now it's time for him to learn self-protection. Go easy on yourself. It's time for you to find your own feet and forgive yourself. You are probably your own harshest critic! Marg [/QUOTE]
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