Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
How do you regain a fresh perspective with difficult child?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 369511" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Sometimes the problems can be aggravated by the child kicking too hard against parental authority, on principle. As with everything - take what feels useful and discard the rest. But where I found it worked, was with a child who was determined to take as much social leeway and responsibility as they could, when they weren't really capable. By changing my overt behaviour and expectation to "OK, you want to move out of home, so let me help you acquire the skills you need," they had to either work with me, or admit that they weren't ready for independence after all.</p><p></p><p>Also, respect for other housemates is part of learning to live independently. Nobody is going to want to share house with someone who mouths off and doesn't pull their weight.</p><p></p><p>I often found the first thing where this method was needed, was when the kid complained about the menu. My response was generally, "If you want a go, feel free. But these have to be the ground rules - it has to be affordable, we have a budget to stick to. It has to be all bought by you and cooked by you, with no waste. We can't afford waste. It also has to be something that everyone will eat. Or failing that, you have to cater for all tastes who will be present for the meal you are cooking. And the food has to be available at the usual mealtime."</p><p>If they still want to go ahead, then I let them go. But it's a "put up or shut up" option, no complaints are permitted if they're not going to do something about it themselves. I count it a success if the child can show me that they would be capable of feeding a household within budget for a week. Once they have a go, they tend to have new respect for the difficulty of the job.</p><p></p><p>I don't allow disrespect, but we have a different way of requiring it - I need to be able to say to my kid, "I am not disrespecting you; don't disrespect me (or your father)". Plus there are family members who don't work this way and difficult child 3 especially really resents being teased by grandma and sis-in-law, because he finds it confusing. We are constantly working on him to say to him, "Grandma does things this way because that's how it was in her day. She is too old to change. No matter the provocation, put up with it."</p><p></p><p>We do it that way with difficult child 3, because he is keenly aware of injustice and is very resentful of what he feels is unfair treatment. If we try "because I said so," on him, it is a disaster. But if we can channel his very strong determination into his own strong sense of morality, we find he is a harsher judge of himself that anything we can impose.</p><p></p><p>What I propose is not a recipe for anarchy; far from it. We should never be doormats for our kids. Our aim as parents is for our kids to learn to be independent, happy, functioning members of society. When you have a difficult child, you often have to find a different way of teaching them the same lessons.</p><p></p><p>Basically, if what you're doing isn't working, then stop doing it. But when you find something that IS working, then do it more. And if that means you think my suggestions would be disastrous for you and your difficult child, then feel free to dismiss it. All I'm saying is, it worked for us. Plus friends of mine who were using the "because I said so" to control their kids, had problems that they could have avoided. My kids would tell me things those other kids were telling them about the lengths they had to go to, to do what they wanted anyway.</p><p></p><p>But really, you are the person at the coalface of your family. If what you are doing is something you're OK with and you have confidence in it, then clearly it works for you, and who am I to say differently? </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 369511, member: 1991"] Sometimes the problems can be aggravated by the child kicking too hard against parental authority, on principle. As with everything - take what feels useful and discard the rest. But where I found it worked, was with a child who was determined to take as much social leeway and responsibility as they could, when they weren't really capable. By changing my overt behaviour and expectation to "OK, you want to move out of home, so let me help you acquire the skills you need," they had to either work with me, or admit that they weren't ready for independence after all. Also, respect for other housemates is part of learning to live independently. Nobody is going to want to share house with someone who mouths off and doesn't pull their weight. I often found the first thing where this method was needed, was when the kid complained about the menu. My response was generally, "If you want a go, feel free. But these have to be the ground rules - it has to be affordable, we have a budget to stick to. It has to be all bought by you and cooked by you, with no waste. We can't afford waste. It also has to be something that everyone will eat. Or failing that, you have to cater for all tastes who will be present for the meal you are cooking. And the food has to be available at the usual mealtime." If they still want to go ahead, then I let them go. But it's a "put up or shut up" option, no complaints are permitted if they're not going to do something about it themselves. I count it a success if the child can show me that they would be capable of feeding a household within budget for a week. Once they have a go, they tend to have new respect for the difficulty of the job. I don't allow disrespect, but we have a different way of requiring it - I need to be able to say to my kid, "I am not disrespecting you; don't disrespect me (or your father)". Plus there are family members who don't work this way and difficult child 3 especially really resents being teased by grandma and sis-in-law, because he finds it confusing. We are constantly working on him to say to him, "Grandma does things this way because that's how it was in her day. She is too old to change. No matter the provocation, put up with it." We do it that way with difficult child 3, because he is keenly aware of injustice and is very resentful of what he feels is unfair treatment. If we try "because I said so," on him, it is a disaster. But if we can channel his very strong determination into his own strong sense of morality, we find he is a harsher judge of himself that anything we can impose. What I propose is not a recipe for anarchy; far from it. We should never be doormats for our kids. Our aim as parents is for our kids to learn to be independent, happy, functioning members of society. When you have a difficult child, you often have to find a different way of teaching them the same lessons. Basically, if what you're doing isn't working, then stop doing it. But when you find something that IS working, then do it more. And if that means you think my suggestions would be disastrous for you and your difficult child, then feel free to dismiss it. All I'm saying is, it worked for us. Plus friends of mine who were using the "because I said so" to control their kids, had problems that they could have avoided. My kids would tell me things those other kids were telling them about the lengths they had to go to, to do what they wanted anyway. But really, you are the person at the coalface of your family. If what you are doing is something you're OK with and you have confidence in it, then clearly it works for you, and who am I to say differently? Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
How do you regain a fresh perspective with difficult child?
Top