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General Parenting
How do you regain a fresh perspective with difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 369512" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Something I forgot to add - even under my "housemate" system, the home is still not a democracy because the owner of the home (or the person whose name is on the lease) has to have final say and ultimate responsibility. But it is also common space and that must be respected. After all, who sets the budget? The parents need to, because they are the ones who have a better idea of how much money is coming in as well as what the expenses are. But involving the kids in this, is a step on the way to them learning how to manage for themselves.</p><p></p><p>I'm not promoting instant consensus and equal votes, but a move towards that. How far you move towards it depends on what the child is ready for. And they should always respect the person in charge of the house, or they risk being asked to leave in favour of a housemate who is more polite, more cooperative. Of course, we can't throw our own kid out to bring in someone new, but they can still learn the need to work as a team, to cooperate, to respect others (personally as well as their property) if in turn they want the same respect and allowances. </p><p></p><p>In this world we all need to learn to live together in harmony. Whatever works, whatever it takes. But never at the cost of our own self-esteem and self-respect. Never. We as parents set the standards of behaviour. All I'm saying, is that there are multiple ways to do this, some of them can be a bit surprising.</p><p></p><p>What we find with difficult child 3 (and found with our other kids) is that the lesson that sinks in permanently, is the one he teaches himself. The lesson I impose is one he resents and won't accept. But when he has to face the fact that his problem is entirely his responsibility, then we have made progress at last.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 369512, member: 1991"] Something I forgot to add - even under my "housemate" system, the home is still not a democracy because the owner of the home (or the person whose name is on the lease) has to have final say and ultimate responsibility. But it is also common space and that must be respected. After all, who sets the budget? The parents need to, because they are the ones who have a better idea of how much money is coming in as well as what the expenses are. But involving the kids in this, is a step on the way to them learning how to manage for themselves. I'm not promoting instant consensus and equal votes, but a move towards that. How far you move towards it depends on what the child is ready for. And they should always respect the person in charge of the house, or they risk being asked to leave in favour of a housemate who is more polite, more cooperative. Of course, we can't throw our own kid out to bring in someone new, but they can still learn the need to work as a team, to cooperate, to respect others (personally as well as their property) if in turn they want the same respect and allowances. In this world we all need to learn to live together in harmony. Whatever works, whatever it takes. But never at the cost of our own self-esteem and self-respect. Never. We as parents set the standards of behaviour. All I'm saying, is that there are multiple ways to do this, some of them can be a bit surprising. What we find with difficult child 3 (and found with our other kids) is that the lesson that sinks in permanently, is the one he teaches himself. The lesson I impose is one he resents and won't accept. But when he has to face the fact that his problem is entirely his responsibility, then we have made progress at last. Marg [/QUOTE]
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