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How do you regain a fresh perspective with difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmwife" data-source="post: 369592" data-attributes="member: 8617"><p><strong>Timerlady</strong>- I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how that must be for you. You helped me realize that the single most important way to spoil myself is to find my husband again in all of our chaos. I know it doesn't help you or ease your own loss but knowing what you have had to endure really made something click in my mind. In my life the thing that brought me the most joy, comfort and purpose was my marriage. Saying "was", as in that was the past and knowing my difficult child is the main source of negativity in my world and the breakdown of all familial relationships is unnaceptable. I AM willing to go to bat for my difficult child and go to great lengths to help him. However, I MUST draw the line when it comes to personal damage and unneccesary hardships for myself. I deserve a life after difficult child I don't deserve to be left in ruins as if he was a parasite that fed off of my soul. I need to come first from now on. I always thought being a good Mom meant sacrifice without complaint. I simply have no more left to give up.</p><p> </p><p><strong>Marg-</strong> After you took the time to delve deeper into what you meant it did start to make more sense. I liked the menu analogy and can see how that makes complete sense. That would work with my difficult child if he were to complain, which he wouldn't. I know for a fact he would love to help in that way so although it isn't a "do it yourself or be quiet about how I do it" situation it is a way for him to feel as though he is contributing in an adult way. Helping that feels good for him.</p><p> </p><p>The rest makes sense too, that I deserve equal respect as a house mate as well it isn't just some concession on my part to make him quit being awful. I guess I saw it as a bribe or caving in as if it were just one extra privilige. I see now that it comes with extra ability or responsibility.</p><p> </p><p>It does make sense when I look at it like that. I think I was seeing it differently because all our difficult child's present behaviors in different ways. My difficult child is usually pretty cooperative lately which is a huge milestone. My problem is his ongoing moods that border on nasty, negative and plain dark/brooding. While I understand teens are like that to a degree I get tired of the constant tension in the house that has a way of eroding at everyone elses moods as well. My difficult child although not much for words can express his contempt very loudly through body language. </p><p> </p><p>When difficult child is miserable to be in the same room as the rest of us are forced to leave which becomes an issue because it is our house as well. We shouldn't feel compelled to lock ourselves in our room to avoid his wrath. If I send him outside or to his room he will sleep an entire day (even on our concrete porch) and not do one healthy activity unless I pursue him and hound him every 20 minutes. It gets exhaustive following him like a toddler. Some days my entire day is spent monitoring difficult child and it makes me very frustrated. It's like driving a car with no power steering, all day long I have to pull at the wheel non stop for an adjustment here and another there. it's like he flat out refuses to function without someone breathing down his back but he hates it when people do that.<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite4" alt=":mad:" title="Mad :mad:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":mad:" /> So I essentially get the abuse and anger because he absolutely will not carry on in an appropriate fashion and gets tired of being micro managed.</p><p> </p><p>How that applies to the house mate theory, at least as best as I can guess is this. I tell him that overseeing him is neither a fun nor easy job. (generally after he has a meltdown because I am on his back) I remind him that I don't tell him things because it is fun or I like the sound of my own voice. I mention that I have other less irritating things to do besides babysit him such as read a book, take a nap etc. I also mention that as soon as he wants to take the reins so that I don't have to anger him by being the difficult child monitor he is welcome to do so. I make it very clear that as soon as he does the basics of what he should (no perfection expected) that I will thank him profusely for being able to shut up and trouble him no more. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p> </p><p>My difficult child is attention seeking and clingy yet he has a problem with authroity and resents being parented??!?!?!?!? Try and figure that one out...lol</p><p> </p><p>I do welcome suggestions. Honest!</p><p> </p><p>Duct tape, a gag and tranquilizers are already on the list.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/laugh.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":laugh:" title="laugh :laugh:" data-shortname=":laugh:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmwife, post: 369592, member: 8617"] [B]Timerlady[/B]- I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how that must be for you. You helped me realize that the single most important way to spoil myself is to find my husband again in all of our chaos. I know it doesn't help you or ease your own loss but knowing what you have had to endure really made something click in my mind. In my life the thing that brought me the most joy, comfort and purpose was my marriage. Saying "was", as in that was the past and knowing my difficult child is the main source of negativity in my world and the breakdown of all familial relationships is unnaceptable. I AM willing to go to bat for my difficult child and go to great lengths to help him. However, I MUST draw the line when it comes to personal damage and unneccesary hardships for myself. I deserve a life after difficult child I don't deserve to be left in ruins as if he was a parasite that fed off of my soul. I need to come first from now on. I always thought being a good Mom meant sacrifice without complaint. I simply have no more left to give up. [B]Marg-[/B] After you took the time to delve deeper into what you meant it did start to make more sense. I liked the menu analogy and can see how that makes complete sense. That would work with my difficult child if he were to complain, which he wouldn't. I know for a fact he would love to help in that way so although it isn't a "do it yourself or be quiet about how I do it" situation it is a way for him to feel as though he is contributing in an adult way. Helping that feels good for him. The rest makes sense too, that I deserve equal respect as a house mate as well it isn't just some concession on my part to make him quit being awful. I guess I saw it as a bribe or caving in as if it were just one extra privilige. I see now that it comes with extra ability or responsibility. It does make sense when I look at it like that. I think I was seeing it differently because all our difficult child's present behaviors in different ways. My difficult child is usually pretty cooperative lately which is a huge milestone. My problem is his ongoing moods that border on nasty, negative and plain dark/brooding. While I understand teens are like that to a degree I get tired of the constant tension in the house that has a way of eroding at everyone elses moods as well. My difficult child although not much for words can express his contempt very loudly through body language. When difficult child is miserable to be in the same room as the rest of us are forced to leave which becomes an issue because it is our house as well. We shouldn't feel compelled to lock ourselves in our room to avoid his wrath. If I send him outside or to his room he will sleep an entire day (even on our concrete porch) and not do one healthy activity unless I pursue him and hound him every 20 minutes. It gets exhaustive following him like a toddler. Some days my entire day is spent monitoring difficult child and it makes me very frustrated. It's like driving a car with no power steering, all day long I have to pull at the wheel non stop for an adjustment here and another there. it's like he flat out refuses to function without someone breathing down his back but he hates it when people do that.:angry: So I essentially get the abuse and anger because he absolutely will not carry on in an appropriate fashion and gets tired of being micro managed. How that applies to the house mate theory, at least as best as I can guess is this. I tell him that overseeing him is neither a fun nor easy job. (generally after he has a meltdown because I am on his back) I remind him that I don't tell him things because it is fun or I like the sound of my own voice. I mention that I have other less irritating things to do besides babysit him such as read a book, take a nap etc. I also mention that as soon as he wants to take the reins so that I don't have to anger him by being the difficult child monitor he is welcome to do so. I make it very clear that as soon as he does the basics of what he should (no perfection expected) that I will thank him profusely for being able to shut up and trouble him no more. :winking: My difficult child is attention seeking and clingy yet he has a problem with authroity and resents being parented??!?!?!?!? Try and figure that one out...lol I do welcome suggestions. Honest! Duct tape, a gag and tranquilizers are already on the list.:funny: [/QUOTE]
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