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How much "helping" is really enabling?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 372718"><p>OK this is my take.... and believe me I know how hard it is and i have done my share of enabling... and I too am the tough guy at our house.</p><p></p><p>So I think stopping enabling is about letting go and figuring out what is right for YOU. So you do for her what feels good and right to you, and you don't do for her the things that don't feel right to you or you feel should be her responsibility!</p><p></p><p>This means letting others also decide what is right for them to do or not do. I do think you and husband need to be on the same page because it is just too hard on your relationship if one of you wants to do something and the other doesn't. So for your relationship you need to be at least in the same book if not exactly on the same page. So that is worth working on.</p><p></p><p>As far as her grandparents and others, let her have her relationship with them, whatever it is. If they enable her she will take advantage of them. They will eventually get tired of that... probably won't want to get up every morning to drive her to work. If they start complaining to you, tell them you are staying out of it that you have decided you won't drive her.</p><p></p><p>I think part of not enabling is to let go of control.... I think many of us with difficult children have spent so much time trying to make sure they do the right thing (or at least not the wrong thing) that it starts feeling controlling to them and it is hard to sit by and let them just blow it. </p><p></p><p>So you are right to not drive her to the bus. I think if she has managed to finagle a ride from someone else (other than husband) then let her do it. It will bother you because it seems wrong and it is.... but let those people figure it out. Don't waste your energy or time on it. Don't spend your time or energy trying to convince other people not to enable her. That doesn't help anyone and indirectly is going to feel controlling to them and to her. I say this because my sons biggest problem with me is he feels I am too controlling... and now feels that way even when I am not!!! </p><p></p><p>She may have to learn by losing this job.... which is really hard on you I know.... but as long as you are taking responsibility for her keeping the job she is not learning,</p><p></p><p>Good luck.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 372718"] OK this is my take.... and believe me I know how hard it is and i have done my share of enabling... and I too am the tough guy at our house. So I think stopping enabling is about letting go and figuring out what is right for YOU. So you do for her what feels good and right to you, and you don't do for her the things that don't feel right to you or you feel should be her responsibility! This means letting others also decide what is right for them to do or not do. I do think you and husband need to be on the same page because it is just too hard on your relationship if one of you wants to do something and the other doesn't. So for your relationship you need to be at least in the same book if not exactly on the same page. So that is worth working on. As far as her grandparents and others, let her have her relationship with them, whatever it is. If they enable her she will take advantage of them. They will eventually get tired of that... probably won't want to get up every morning to drive her to work. If they start complaining to you, tell them you are staying out of it that you have decided you won't drive her. I think part of not enabling is to let go of control.... I think many of us with difficult children have spent so much time trying to make sure they do the right thing (or at least not the wrong thing) that it starts feeling controlling to them and it is hard to sit by and let them just blow it. So you are right to not drive her to the bus. I think if she has managed to finagle a ride from someone else (other than husband) then let her do it. It will bother you because it seems wrong and it is.... but let those people figure it out. Don't waste your energy or time on it. Don't spend your time or energy trying to convince other people not to enable her. That doesn't help anyone and indirectly is going to feel controlling to them and to her. I say this because my sons biggest problem with me is he feels I am too controlling... and now feels that way even when I am not!!! She may have to learn by losing this job.... which is really hard on you I know.... but as long as you are taking responsibility for her keeping the job she is not learning, Good luck. [/QUOTE]
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How much "helping" is really enabling?
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