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How much "helping" is really enabling?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 372762" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Toughie said it extremely well!!! It is one of the things I learned in Al-anon, let the other person make their choices and live with them. It is none of your business unless it disrupts your day or causes problems for you. Otherwise, stay out of it.</p><p> </p><p>The big exception is your children. Work with husband so that the other kids do very very little for her. It will be hard for them and they probably will need some help with it. Offer to let them use you as the bad guy. For example, difficult child asks B2 to "borrow" $20 because she knows that B2 just got birthday $$ or babysitting $$. B2 tells difficult child that "Mom says that we can't loan/give each other money. If she finds out I will owe her three times the amount and she KNOWS how much $$ I have." </p><p> </p><p>The blame is on nosy you, but B2 was able to refuse to give difficult child any $$. It was a very useful tool when I was a teen. "My dad would beat me bloody if I entered a wet tshirt contest" (NOT that anyone would have asked me, lol), or "Sorry, my parents would know if I tried to sneak out with the car. I wouldn't be allowed to drive any car until I was 18!" I even used it to keep from going to certain dances and parties where I KNEW that most people would be stoned or drunk.</p><p> </p><p>You also have to make sure that husband is not allowing difficult child to harm the others or make them feel very unsafe. husband may need to be reminded that the pcs are each just as valuable and worthy of time, attention and protection, even from difficult child. The pcs should NOT be sacrificed on the altar of gfgness.</p><p> </p><p>Other than that, do what YOU want and do your best to not control difficult child OR clean up/help her after the disaster happens.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 372762, member: 1233"] Toughie said it extremely well!!! It is one of the things I learned in Al-anon, let the other person make their choices and live with them. It is none of your business unless it disrupts your day or causes problems for you. Otherwise, stay out of it. The big exception is your children. Work with husband so that the other kids do very very little for her. It will be hard for them and they probably will need some help with it. Offer to let them use you as the bad guy. For example, difficult child asks B2 to "borrow" $20 because she knows that B2 just got birthday $$ or babysitting $$. B2 tells difficult child that "Mom says that we can't loan/give each other money. If she finds out I will owe her three times the amount and she KNOWS how much $$ I have." The blame is on nosy you, but B2 was able to refuse to give difficult child any $$. It was a very useful tool when I was a teen. "My dad would beat me bloody if I entered a wet tshirt contest" (NOT that anyone would have asked me, lol), or "Sorry, my parents would know if I tried to sneak out with the car. I wouldn't be allowed to drive any car until I was 18!" I even used it to keep from going to certain dances and parties where I KNEW that most people would be stoned or drunk. You also have to make sure that husband is not allowing difficult child to harm the others or make them feel very unsafe. husband may need to be reminded that the pcs are each just as valuable and worthy of time, attention and protection, even from difficult child. The pcs should NOT be sacrificed on the altar of gfgness. Other than that, do what YOU want and do your best to not control difficult child OR clean up/help her after the disaster happens. [/QUOTE]
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How much "helping" is really enabling?
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