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How much "helping" is really enabling?
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 372910" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">To put into very basic and simplistic terms, FOR ME, enabling is: </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">...when we do for others what they can do for themselves...when we try to manipulate others to do things they way we think they should...when we don't allow others to learn on their own...when we steal from others the opportunity to grow - in their own time and fashion.</span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">FOR ME, helping is:</span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">...assisting when another asks for our help when they are already helping themselves...when we are not trying to manipulate or control their behavior, but simply being a good listener or someone to lean on occasionally (in my opinion, even the most independent people need someone to lean on occasionally)...when we can differentiate between a need and a want when another asks us to 'help' them.</span></span></p><p></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Often, 'helping' someone is really hurting them - the more we do for them, the longer it takes for them to learn and grow, which in turn, hurts them. Even a 5 year old can understand and learn why it is important to feed their fish everyday or empty a trash can or clean up their room. A 15 year old can understand and learn how to mow a lawn, get home on time, figure out how to get a ride home from a party and walk the family dog so it doesn't pee on the rug. Everytime we do something for another that they can easily do for themself, we inhibit their own personal growth, we stunt them. Being responsible to <strong>others</strong>, in my opinion, is a very important lesson to teach our kids. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">That said, on the other hand, it's okay to help someone out because we see them working for themself and we want to do something that makes them feel good. In our (CD board) particular kids' case, I think it's a delicate line. While we're trying to teach them to be more independent and concious of other's, we can't always be giving and doing for them. It's essential to their growth, to allow them to fail and fumble their way through things at a certain point. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I'm just sort of rambling, as with easy child recently moving out, my H is having a hard time, so this topic has been on my brain! H doesn't like her place, he doesn't like her struggling financially, etc. But you know, I'm glad that her landlord's dog is driving her crazy and I'm glad that she has to figure out her finances long term rather than just week to week. I'm glad that she has to learn how to live with others and that everything isn't just there for the taking. If she wants to snack, she will have to make sure there are snacks, etc. This feels right to me. I had to do it when I was 18 - live on my own, support myself and learn how to live independently and be concious of others - live in the real world, you know?</span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I think that when you're sacrificing parts of yourself for someone who is capable then you're enabling. I agree with toughlovin, definitely. You have to let go of trying to control and if push comes to shove, you need to maintain order and peace in your own home (that may mean she has to leave your home, etc). If she finds gramma to drive her or pick her up, so be it - just don't let it be you - stick to your personal boundaries. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 372910, member: 2211"] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]To put into very basic and simplistic terms, FOR ME, enabling is: [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]...when we do for others what they can do for themselves...when we try to manipulate others to do things they way we think they should...when we don't allow others to learn on their own...when we steal from others the opportunity to grow - in their own time and fashion.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]FOR ME, helping is:[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]...assisting when another asks for our help when they are already helping themselves...when we are not trying to manipulate or control their behavior, but simply being a good listener or someone to lean on occasionally (in my opinion, even the most independent people need someone to lean on occasionally)...when we can differentiate between a need and a want when another asks us to 'help' them.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Often, 'helping' someone is really hurting them - the more we do for them, the longer it takes for them to learn and grow, which in turn, hurts them. Even a 5 year old can understand and learn why it is important to feed their fish everyday or empty a trash can or clean up their room. A 15 year old can understand and learn how to mow a lawn, get home on time, figure out how to get a ride home from a party and walk the family dog so it doesn't pee on the rug. Everytime we do something for another that they can easily do for themself, we inhibit their own personal growth, we stunt them. Being responsible to [B]others[/B], in my opinion, is a very important lesson to teach our kids. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]That said, on the other hand, it's okay to help someone out because we see them working for themself and we want to do something that makes them feel good. In our (CD board) particular kids' case, I think it's a delicate line. While we're trying to teach them to be more independent and concious of other's, we can't always be giving and doing for them. It's essential to their growth, to allow them to fail and fumble their way through things at a certain point. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I'm just sort of rambling, as with easy child recently moving out, my H is having a hard time, so this topic has been on my brain! H doesn't like her place, he doesn't like her struggling financially, etc. But you know, I'm glad that her landlord's dog is driving her crazy and I'm glad that she has to figure out her finances long term rather than just week to week. I'm glad that she has to learn how to live with others and that everything isn't just there for the taking. If she wants to snack, she will have to make sure there are snacks, etc. This feels right to me. I had to do it when I was 18 - live on my own, support myself and learn how to live independently and be concious of others - live in the real world, you know?[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I think that when you're sacrificing parts of yourself for someone who is capable then you're enabling. I agree with toughlovin, definitely. You have to let go of trying to control and if push comes to shove, you need to maintain order and peace in your own home (that may mean she has to leave your home, etc). If she finds gramma to drive her or pick her up, so be it - just don't let it be you - stick to your personal boundaries. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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