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How often do you feel "joyful" or "happy" ?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 451051" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Janet, I can relate to feeling cranky with comments such as "You're so brave." They really annoy me - for me, bravery is when someone makes a choice to run into a burning building to rescue a child. Bravery is not the label, I think, to apply to someone who has no choice but to soldier on. But I said that in front of a fellow cancer survivor and she got angry with me - said she enjoys being told she is brave, it kept her going. And yes, she was brave in her attitude - she could have chosen to not fight, she could have just let herself wallow in misery but instead she actively worked at keeping a positive attitude. I still wouldn't label it as bravery; resilience perhaps, inner strength definitely. Determination, stubbornness. Inner peace - whatever you want to call it. It helped her survive. </p><p></p><p>Semantics, I guess.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Perhaps the starting point is to think about examples of when you have lost yourself, when your every perspective and drive is completely bound up in caring for someone else. For me, that happened when I gave birth to my first child. I was so bound up in caring for her, that I really could not see the world through my own eyes. I looked around and it was as if I was looking through my baby's eyes. It was weird. Not healthy. So for me, that is what I remember, and what I try to avoid ever happening again. </p><p></p><p>There are days, I'm sure you can all relate, when I am so rushed and busy on behalf of other people, that there is no room for me and my needs. You can get away with it for a short time but if you do it for too many days it is very unhealthy. Unhealthy for you, unhealthy for the others in your life. The best person you can be for your family, is your own person. While ever your family sees you subsume yourself into their needs utterly, they are not learning about sharing, about waiting their turn, about consideration for others, about respect for you. And the more they do not know they should respect you, the more they will take you for granted and the more this bad situation will continue. If you're expending all your energy propping up your family, you are not helping them in the long run, to learn to do it for themselves. If you pull back a bit, don't let yourself burn out but hold back some part of yourself, it is NOT selfish, it is the most generous thing you can do for your family. They need to hear you say, "No, I am not doing that now, I need a break."</p><p></p><p>I can't tell you all the steps to finding yourself. All I can suggest is a starting point - identify the boundaries, find the edges of what is left of you, and slowly begin to extend those boundaries to give you more personal space in your own head. Find something you enjoy doing, and make time to do it. Even if it is reading a book. You can still be a busy person, and your own person. It's a mind-set thing partly, too. If you resent the demands made on you and especially resent not having the time for yourself, you are further down the path of losing yourself than the person next to you who may be just as busy, but feels more in control. With more choice. If you make a choice to do stuff for your family, then that is what you do for you. Knowing your choices, owning your choices, having a choice and taking that choice, are all part of finding yourself too.</p><p></p><p>In order to get started, you need to find those edges, even if they're unravelling. It is a lot more difficult for those who are really struggling. It takes longer, too. Janet, every day you can get out of bed at all, when times are tough, is huge progress and you should congratulate yourself on the achievement. Copping flak for it does not help, but you already know that.</p><p></p><p>We each need to define our own goals and make them small and achievable. Then take pride in each step achieved before re-evaluating and moving forward.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 451051, member: 1991"] Janet, I can relate to feeling cranky with comments such as "You're so brave." They really annoy me - for me, bravery is when someone makes a choice to run into a burning building to rescue a child. Bravery is not the label, I think, to apply to someone who has no choice but to soldier on. But I said that in front of a fellow cancer survivor and she got angry with me - said she enjoys being told she is brave, it kept her going. And yes, she was brave in her attitude - she could have chosen to not fight, she could have just let herself wallow in misery but instead she actively worked at keeping a positive attitude. I still wouldn't label it as bravery; resilience perhaps, inner strength definitely. Determination, stubbornness. Inner peace - whatever you want to call it. It helped her survive. Semantics, I guess. Perhaps the starting point is to think about examples of when you have lost yourself, when your every perspective and drive is completely bound up in caring for someone else. For me, that happened when I gave birth to my first child. I was so bound up in caring for her, that I really could not see the world through my own eyes. I looked around and it was as if I was looking through my baby's eyes. It was weird. Not healthy. So for me, that is what I remember, and what I try to avoid ever happening again. There are days, I'm sure you can all relate, when I am so rushed and busy on behalf of other people, that there is no room for me and my needs. You can get away with it for a short time but if you do it for too many days it is very unhealthy. Unhealthy for you, unhealthy for the others in your life. The best person you can be for your family, is your own person. While ever your family sees you subsume yourself into their needs utterly, they are not learning about sharing, about waiting their turn, about consideration for others, about respect for you. And the more they do not know they should respect you, the more they will take you for granted and the more this bad situation will continue. If you're expending all your energy propping up your family, you are not helping them in the long run, to learn to do it for themselves. If you pull back a bit, don't let yourself burn out but hold back some part of yourself, it is NOT selfish, it is the most generous thing you can do for your family. They need to hear you say, "No, I am not doing that now, I need a break." I can't tell you all the steps to finding yourself. All I can suggest is a starting point - identify the boundaries, find the edges of what is left of you, and slowly begin to extend those boundaries to give you more personal space in your own head. Find something you enjoy doing, and make time to do it. Even if it is reading a book. You can still be a busy person, and your own person. It's a mind-set thing partly, too. If you resent the demands made on you and especially resent not having the time for yourself, you are further down the path of losing yourself than the person next to you who may be just as busy, but feels more in control. With more choice. If you make a choice to do stuff for your family, then that is what you do for you. Knowing your choices, owning your choices, having a choice and taking that choice, are all part of finding yourself too. In order to get started, you need to find those edges, even if they're unravelling. It is a lot more difficult for those who are really struggling. It takes longer, too. Janet, every day you can get out of bed at all, when times are tough, is huge progress and you should congratulate yourself on the achievement. Copping flak for it does not help, but you already know that. We each need to define our own goals and make them small and achievable. Then take pride in each step achieved before re-evaluating and moving forward. Marg [/QUOTE]
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