I had to take a minute to think about this before I posted. difficult child has been out of the house for a year. She's currently in foster care and doing well at the foster parents house. She loves it there and I love that she loves it there. I love her foster parents and they really like me. This last weekend, I watched their grandaughter while my difficult child was home for a home visit. I was very happy to see that my difficult child has someone she can get along with. I have never seen this before. I was happy to see that she was having fun. Anyway during this last year, I have found happines and joy. I think when you raise a difficult child, joy and happiness can be found in different ways. I am happy when I wake up now, because I know that I am not going to start my day off like I did a year ago. difficult child being violent and calling names. I am happy I am not walking on eggshells in my own home. I finally found me, or remembered me, something I had definately lost. I do have moments of joy, like I was so broke after payday and I thought oh what the heck, I went to Bingo. Something that I don't do a lot maybe 4 times a year. I won 470.00. That was joy. I couldn't sleep all night because I won that money. They paid me a 100.00 in one dollar bills and it looked like a fortune. I got up at 1 am and 4 am and counted it. It was a fortune to me. I am still on a little high from it. I was responsible and paid a couple bills, but I also got a few things that I wanted for around the house and some groceries. My oldest daughter's birthday is Sunday turning 19 and I thought I would not be able to do anything for her. Now I can. That will give me more happiness on Sunday. I used to have a lot of pets, too many. I now just have one dog, Broady. He is totally my best friend and gives me joy everyday. Last night I came home and took him out to the bathroom, and got my Nook out. He was laying next to me on the bed and he nudged the Nook out of my hand twice. Boy talk about a guilt trip. He had waited all day for me to come home and I picked up my Nook. I was happy that thru his actions I was able to pick up on what he wanted and needed. I was happy he wanted to spend time with me. Everyday he gives me comfort just being able to pet him and have him near. While everyday is not perfect and for some, it may not seem like much of a life. It is much better than it was. It took so long to laugh again. ( My favorite show was 2 1/2 Men). I am telling you, that show really made me giggle and just out right laugh hard. I don't have an expensive car, i rent, I still deal with difficult child issues, and struggle financially. I can wake up with a smile, sometimes which is more than I did before, every once in a while a joyous moment happens. Bingo, getting my Nook, saving money at the grocery store on coupons. Spending happy time with kids and Broady. I think it's just going to get better and better. I am just not the parent of a difficult child. I need friends (thank you for all of you) and I need to have fun and laugh and have joyous moments or I would be in a bad place. One thing I did learn in this last year is, the worry issue. I used to worry that I wasn't going to be able to raise difficult child. Well I am not able to, and she's happy and I am happy. Sometimes what you think might be the worst really isn't that bad at all.