How often do you feel "joyful" or "happy" ?

[Marguerite]

To all those of you who have misplaced your joy - now is your opportunity to fix this. Try to work out why, because joy is there waiting for you to rediscover it. Joy s not only where you find it, but sometimes you have to actively go looking for it. Even in those moments of stress just as you've got your hands around the throat of someone who has upset you, take the time to pause and admire the wonderful purples, pinks and oranges of their face as they slowly subside into unconsciousness...

Seriously, though - I had a miserable, stressful childhood. I was anxious, downtrodden, learned to stay quiet and to fix my own problems. I'm certain I was also depressed, clinically, for a number of years as I was growing up. But I still found my moments of joy when I deliberately forgot my worries for a minute or two here and there, while I found something to wonder at. I used to climb an old tree down hear the animal sheds on our small farm, and watch the sunset from this tree. Or I would cuddle one of the dogs and talk to it. Or one of the sheep. I had my own personal list of what made me happy, and I made a point of analysing and storing these memories so I can bring them out now and recall the happiness, even if (as I know) these moments were brief. But they were there and they were joyful. I remember the anticipation of a friend coming over to play one summer, so I went to the paddock and made daisy chains and bracelets for my friend. When she did not turn up - I was sad, but the moment I had been making tose daisy chains was a moment of joy that I can bring back and enjoy again.

"Enjoy" - an interesting word. A valuable word for us now, when you think about it. It is wrapping yourself in the joy of the moment. Eating a square of chocolate you didn't know was at the back of the pantry - enjoy. Feeling depressed at the prospect of having to exercise your tired mind to come up with something creative for dinner then being surprised by a partner who has brought home exactly what you would have asked for - enjoy.

Or like me, yesterday, having to make a rush trip to the shop at sunset to buy eggs to make pasta to make lasagne and get it all done ready to go into the oven in half an hour - the colour of the sea was that beautiful silvery blue, with hints of mauve from the sunset. I only had a few seconds to see it as I drove past, but I took a mental snapshot and took it out again to look at it once I had that lasagne in the oven. Knowing I was feeding kangaroo to my mother-in-law (it has traditionally been considered good for nothing but dog meat, but it is actually very nutritious) gave me secret joy while we ate, and while I listened to her telling me how much she was enjoying it. There it is again - enjoy.

I have permission to serve kangaroo lasagne again sometime...

Today is a surprising warm summer's day in the middle of winter. We only have a few of these then winter will be back on Saturday afternoon. I will walk out into the rain after my meeting on Saturday, and deliberately remember the storms I have enjoyed from the north headland of Bondi Beach. I used to go there when I was a uni student, just a kid having to live on my own and scared, depressed, confused and anxious. My favourite place then was the rock shelf below the cliff, and if a storm came up - bliss! The waves and the thunder were my own fears and distress, being washed away and soothed. It was more therapeutic than smashing an entire set of someone else's crockery.

Joy is there but we can lose ourselves, and this cuts us off from joy. So first find yourself, then make those precious seconds available and grab the joy, reach out for it, make it if you have to. But it is there waiting for you.

You not only have a right to happiness and joy, but those for whom you have buried yourself will be better cared for by you, if you have happiness and joy supporting you in your work.

Marg

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I'm very much limited to my keyboard time since I'm nursing a pinched nerve, but I had to reply to this one. As my sig says, I'm an optimist. The great thing about being an optimist is the ability to find the good in most every situation. I've been through some really trying and tough times in my life - but through every one of them, I've learned something to carry with me and become stronger. I've always been a "life is what it is" kind of person. Sadness, death, illness, disappointments, trials and tests are part of life; there is no getting around them. But making through those times is what should que us to feel joy. The fact that I came out of those situations is a reason to feel joy. The dictionary says, "joy - a feeling of great pleasure or happiness."

One of my favorite books is "Mans Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Consider this quote:

"We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Like TM, I feel joy and happiness every day. I had a great friend, who passed after suffering horribly for years with cancer, who said to me once that the simple act of folding her family's laundry was a task of happiness considering the alternative.

My children and I started gratitude journals many years ago. We would each write one thing every day that we were thankful for. When you take the light away from the negative, even for just a moment, you often see the little joys in your life. The first thing I do every day upon waking is give thanks that I opened my eyes - that's a positive to start every day.

Sharon

 

[busywend]

I used to try to teach difficult child that you are able to decide what kind of day you will have when you get up in the morning.

Try it. If you wake up and say to yourself or outloud - today will be filled with joy! And keep that goal for the day, you can make it happen.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Years ago I had read something by the psychic Jane Roberts which in essense said said your beliefs create your reality, and if you don't like your reality, you need to change your beliefs - every thought becomes reality. Don't know why that had such a profound affect on me, but I picked it up as my life mantra. Maybe it was being raised by someone whose thought process was totally negative about anything and everything and always, always had a fear about the unknown - I don't know -but those few words I read changed my life.

I don't know if I am exactly "joyful" -am not sure what that means - but for the most part I am content, happy, enthusastic and I smile, a lot. There have been days, shoot, months that it was one foot in front of the other to make it to bedtime, but would think that is a normal process throughout life-bad times make you grow but you have to be ever viligent to make sure you don't get sucked into a black void. When I feel I am doing that, I reach for Jane Robert's book "The Nature of Personal Reality" -its a kick starter for me to get out of that dark place.

When SO and I went back to Ohio in May to see my mother one last time, she was mostly out of touch with reality. At one point she opened her eyes, looked at SO and said "I would never pick a fight with that guy" and then looked at me, pointed at me and said "but THAT one, THAT one is another story" She said it in anger, everyone laughed (but me) and thought it was such a funny comment. Then my cousin reached over to adjust that oxygen thing in her nose, my mother, still angry, slapped her in the face, and drifted off again. I remember thinking how sad it was she wasn't even with it, and still had all that negative energy running what was left of her life, this is what bitterness does to someone. I may not inow what joyful exactly is, but definetly know "joyful" wasn't in her vocabulary LOL

LDM, I don't do a Gratitude Journal, but both SO and I carry a small "Gratitude Rock" in our pocket/purse. When one of us starts getting into the woe is me mode, or a slide into any kind of negativity, the other will ask "where is your rock" -a small reminder not to go there. Silly I know, but it works

Marcie






I don't know if I would like to be 'happy" 24/7 - that to me would be unnatural.

 

[BusynMember]

This is a very content, even blissful time for me, one I thought I'd never experience since I have both a mood disorder and traits of borderline personality disorder. I am very persistent and kept going to new doctors until I found the right medication, which made an 80% difference...I have not had a truly dark depressive episode since then. I have also worked hard in cognitive and dialectal behavioral therapy and I don't even recognize the miserably unhappy person I was in my 20's and even 30's. For me, it is my biological disposition to get anxious and depressed, but I'm doing a good job of fighting that (I hope this doesn't sound like bragging because it's not meant to be a brag).

I do have down days, but they aren't days I can't function. For the most part I am content and peaceful in my quiet little world. I even have joyful times, like when I spend time with all the kids and I realize how lucky I am.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think I was a lot like Step. Only and lonely. Add in to that what my life was like as a kid, well it made for a really bad situation. I dont know if I ever knew what real happiness or joy was. I knew artificial joy through drugs. I have been happy at times with the kids. I guess my medications have finally kept me at a somewhat level keel but I can sink for extended periods. It doesnt take a whole lot to just send me spiraling. This summer has been one of the worst ones of my life. I can hardly climb out of my bed and all I get is yelled at for it. Im only hanging on by a thread right now...and joy isnt a feeling Im having right now.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Marg said...

Joy is there but we can lose ourselves, and this cuts us off from joy. So first find yourself

Perhaps Marg needs to start us a new thread... with a manual on how to find ourselves? I can see where it's probably part of the problem, but... it takes so much effort to try to help the kids and husband find themselves that I guess I kind of get lost in the process.


Janet said...

I think I was a lot like Step. Only and lonely.

I'd have used "isolated" instead of lonely... same picture. Its always been that way. Just worse, with a difficult child around.

I'm reading a book these days that describes part of the challenge... we who have challenges - be they in ourselves, or external - have to balance the need to "protect" and the need to "connect". And we end up spending so much time and effort in the "protect" mode that we don't get to the "connect" mode.

That's why this forum has been good for me - on some level, the ability to connect with someone outside my "four walls".

Joy? Not sure I'll ever use that word. I'll settle for... contentment, peace, and a quiet positive feeling that defies being "labelled". If I can ever find these... then maybe joy will come too?

 

[keista]

This thread has reminded me of my last big bout with MDD. DD1 was just born. A precious miracle, since after 5 years of trying we started getting used to the fact that son would be an only child.

Despite KNOWING that life was good. Despite KNOWING that I did have joy in my life. Despite KNOWING that there was very little I wanted to change in my life, I felt intense despair, hopelessness and pain. After years of working through it myself I finally sought help. I think it was the worst it had ever been because after years of self help books, and self analysis and self therapy, I KNEW, logically, in my brain that life was an amazing gift, but yet I didn't, couldn't FEEL it - the pain was so intense that I just wanted to die. Since I had limited resources I went to a publicly funded clinic. Bad enough that it would be 3 weeks before they could get me in, but another 4 weeks after that before I could see a psychiatrist and get any medications.

At intake I was asked if I had to choose, would I choose medications or therapy? I explained my logic and my feelings, and said I would certainly opt for medications because I did not feel it was my thought patterns or unresolved issues pulling me down. The counselor, who first objected, seemed to agree after she heard me out.

So, DDD, if after reading everyone's thoughts, and the follow up threads, and you are WORKING on finding that joy and actually are finding those things that SHOULD make you joyful (at least temporarily) but that feeling still eludes you, please get some help.

according to the psychiatrist I'm aok too..considering the circumstances.

That doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from some additional treatment/support.

It reminds me of the lame 'survivor' BS the counselor tried dishing me. I should be proud of myself because I had survived so far. Ah, yeah, OK. Surviving was the EASY part. Surviving WELL was a whole other story. I was tired of the constant pain (emotional if you haven't guessed) and the constant despair. Yes, life is hard, but is shouldn't be THAT hard.

 

[DammitJanet]

I love it when people say things like...Oh but you have survived so well! And the option was what? I was given a choice when? So the guy didnt actually slice me all the way and I get a gold sticker because why? Good memory skills back then I guess.

 

[Marguerite]

Janet, I can relate to feeling cranky with comments such as "You're so brave." They really annoy me - for me, bravery is when someone makes a choice to run into a burning building to rescue a child. Bravery is not the label, I think, to apply to someone who has no choice but to soldier on. But I said that in front of a fellow cancer survivor and she got angry with me - said she enjoys being told she is brave, it kept her going. And yes, she was brave in her attitude - she could have chosen to not fight, she could have just let herself wallow in misery but instead she actively worked at keeping a positive attitude. I still wouldn't label it as bravery; resilience perhaps, inner strength definitely. Determination, stubbornness. Inner peace - whatever you want to call it. It helped her survive.

Semantics, I guess.

Perhaps Marg needs to start us a new thread... with a manual on how to find ourselves? I can see where it's probably part of the problem, but... it takes so much effort to try to help the kids and husband find themselves that I guess I kind of get lost in the process.

Perhaps the starting point is to think about examples of when you have lost yourself, when your every perspective and drive is completely bound up in caring for someone else. For me, that happened when I gave birth to my first child. I was so bound up in caring for her, that I really could not see the world through my own eyes. I looked around and it was as if I was looking through my baby's eyes. It was weird. Not healthy. So for me, that is what I remember, and what I try to avoid ever happening again.

There are days, I'm sure you can all relate, when I am so rushed and busy on behalf of other people, that there is no room for me and my needs. You can get away with it for a short time but if you do it for too many days it is very unhealthy. Unhealthy for you, unhealthy for the others in your life. The best person you can be for your family, is your own person. While ever your family sees you subsume yourself into their needs utterly, they are not learning about sharing, about waiting their turn, about consideration for others, about respect for you. And the more they do not know they should respect you, the more they will take you for granted and the more this bad situation will continue. If you're expending all your energy propping up your family, you are not helping them in the long run, to learn to do it for themselves. If you pull back a bit, don't let yourself burn out but hold back some part of yourself, it is NOT selfish, it is the most generous thing you can do for your family. They need to hear you say, "No, I am not doing that now, I need a break."

I can't tell you all the steps to finding yourself. All I can suggest is a starting point - identify the boundaries, find the edges of what is left of you, and slowly begin to extend those boundaries to give you more personal space in your own head. Find something you enjoy doing, and make time to do it. Even if it is reading a book. You can still be a busy person, and your own person. It's a mind-set thing partly, too. If you resent the demands made on you and especially resent not having the time for yourself, you are further down the path of losing yourself than the person next to you who may be just as busy, but feels more in control. With more choice. If you make a choice to do stuff for your family, then that is what you do for you. Knowing your choices, owning your choices, having a choice and taking that choice, are all part of finding yourself too.

In order to get started, you need to find those edges, even if they're unravelling. It is a lot more difficult for those who are really struggling. It takes longer, too. Janet, every day you can get out of bed at all, when times are tough, is huge progress and you should congratulate yourself on the achievement. Copping flak for it does not help, but you already know that.

We each need to define our own goals and make them small and achievable. Then take pride in each step achieved before re-evaluating and moving forward.

Marg

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Marcie, I like the rock idea - a physical reminder that there is something over the crest of that mountain!

Sharon

 

[Marcie Mac]

Sharon, its more of a small stone - SO and I went to the park looking for small stones till we each found one that 'felt" right. It is fasinating how ones mind works - once you attach a positive thought to the stone, just touching it seems to make the negative stuff go away. May be strange, but works for us

Marcie