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how often do you talk to your difficult "child" now adult?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 737862" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Pigless. How nice it is you are here. I think about you and have hoped you are well. How is life at the farm?</p><p></p><p>Ferb sounds like he is doing well.</p><p></p><p>This is my take. First, try not to pay attention to NEVER, EVER statements. Those words are uttered in the moment. That said he may be served by staying away. In the sense he is in the process of becoming psychologically (from you) to some extent. What could be better? As I recall you were quite close. And he had terrible losses. As did you. This makes growing up and away much harder.</p><p></p><p>In a relatively short time he has transitioned from volatility, self-destructiveness, and being on the brink...to what looks like stability and responsibility, at least on the spectrum of this. He is fulfilling responsibilities to you and to himself. It sounds like he is using independence well. I am very impressed. And I am happy for you. And for him.</p><p></p><p>I know what it feels like to long for them. For so long they lived in us, like Russian nesting dolls.(But the thing is we live in them too. To be healthy adults, that has to change. They have to learn to fill that space with an adult identity. Now that they are separating it feels like there is a hollow, empty space in us.</p><p></p><p>While it sounds good to say we need to fill that space with us, with new friends, fun things, friends, nurturing, peace, spirituality, etc., I think that yearning for them takes time to dissipate and to turn into something that is to these newly adult children, and something we can better handle. Maybe we even resist moving on too, never knowing if this newly found emancipation and maturation by them will quickly boomerang back and we will have to go on high alert.</p><p></p><p>In my case I believe now that I never did make this healthy psychological change. I never really did let go of my son. I am seeing this now. On some level I used his dependency and crisis-proneness to not move on myself, psychologically.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like you are confronting this fully a decade earlier than am I.</p><p></p><p>I guess, in sum, what i am saying, is I think what you might be posting about is less about what is normative in these children, and more about, the process of separating psychologically for us mothers. While you have a daughter still home, to some extent your nest is emptying. Mine should have emptied a decade ago.</p><p></p><p>I am dealing with this belatedly. After a whole lot of water under the bridge. It is like I am having to deal with an empty nest, after a decade of floods and plagues and war. I look around from my nest, and all I see is devastation and loss. I try to groom my feathers, and they are gone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 737862, member: 18958"] Pigless. How nice it is you are here. I think about you and have hoped you are well. How is life at the farm? Ferb sounds like he is doing well. This is my take. First, try not to pay attention to NEVER, EVER statements. Those words are uttered in the moment. That said he may be served by staying away. In the sense he is in the process of becoming psychologically (from you) to some extent. What could be better? As I recall you were quite close. And he had terrible losses. As did you. This makes growing up and away much harder. In a relatively short time he has transitioned from volatility, self-destructiveness, and being on the brink...to what looks like stability and responsibility, at least on the spectrum of this. He is fulfilling responsibilities to you and to himself. It sounds like he is using independence well. I am very impressed. And I am happy for you. And for him. I know what it feels like to long for them. For so long they lived in us, like Russian nesting dolls.(But the thing is we live in them too. To be healthy adults, that has to change. They have to learn to fill that space with an adult identity. Now that they are separating it feels like there is a hollow, empty space in us. While it sounds good to say we need to fill that space with us, with new friends, fun things, friends, nurturing, peace, spirituality, etc., I think that yearning for them takes time to dissipate and to turn into something that is to these newly adult children, and something we can better handle. Maybe we even resist moving on too, never knowing if this newly found emancipation and maturation by them will quickly boomerang back and we will have to go on high alert. In my case I believe now that I never did make this healthy psychological change. I never really did let go of my son. I am seeing this now. On some level I used his dependency and crisis-proneness to not move on myself, psychologically. It sounds like you are confronting this fully a decade earlier than am I. I guess, in sum, what i am saying, is I think what you might be posting about is less about what is normative in these children, and more about, the process of separating psychologically for us mothers. While you have a daughter still home, to some extent your nest is emptying. Mine should have emptied a decade ago. I am dealing with this belatedly. After a whole lot of water under the bridge. It is like I am having to deal with an empty nest, after a decade of floods and plagues and war. I look around from my nest, and all I see is devastation and loss. I try to groom my feathers, and they are gone. [/QUOTE]
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how often do you talk to your difficult "child" now adult?
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