how often do you talk to your difficult "child" now adult?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pigless in VA, Jul 19, 2017.

  1. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I'm just curious. I think all relationships have to find a pattern which is comfortable for the people in them.

    Ferb does not want to share his life with me anymore. The positives are that he is working, taking care of the cat while we are at the farm, seeing his doctor and taking his medication. He is no longer the scary, angry boy that I once knew so well.

    The downside is that he refuses to come to the farm. He says "ever again." That may change, but I doubt it will anytime soon. He texts me a line or two every other day. I usually have to ask him a question. He will call me if he has a question: "Mom! How do I use the dishwasher?"

    I don't know many of his friends. I don't know what he does. I don't really know him very well anymore. I would like for him to be able to talk to me about his actual life, but I don't know that will ever happen again. When I do see him, I might get a "hello." At least we aren't having hideous arguments anymore.

    I once knew a mother and daughter pair who called each other every night even though they also worked together. I probably wouldn't like that much contact, but more than the flippant "hello" would be an improvement.

    How often do you speak, email, text, etc. your offspring?
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My most difficult child calls me much more than he should...sometimes three times a day.

    My other adult kids are less dependent on me and we talk a few times a week.
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2017
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    My non-difficult child calls or texts probably daily or every other day, sometimes for advice, sometimes just to share something about her day, sometimes just to chat.

    Sadly, when difficult child is using, he does not contact me unless he is angling for something. Now that he is in rehab, he usually calls once a week for a few minutes.

    Me too. I will always take the distant but clean and sober difficult child over the manipulative and using difficult child...but it makes me sad sometimes when I contemplate the damages done to the close relationship we used to share.
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Praise his health and wellbeing. He may grow and change and want a relationship again.

    Good day Is a good day....
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  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    It seems like my hubby talks to his oldest "difficult" adult son about once every couple of months, nowadays.

    Right now hubby doesn't want to speak to him because of an incident and the outrageous lies that were told last time they spoke.

    Hubby is starting to come to terms with the fact that the son is who he is, and Isn't going to transform into a different person just because he now works regularly and supports himself. We are happy for that, but we have to let go of the fairy tale and accept reality as it is now.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Miss KT often calls during her drive home from work just to chat. Sometimes she has questions that an "adultier adult" needs to answer, and I qualify for that.

    I talk to my mom every day, as she is getting older and more frail.
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I think this is a difference between sons and daughters.

    My adult daughters often call either on their lunch breaks or on the drive home from work. They often ask for advice and want to chat about their day, their relationships, etc.

    My adult son initiates calls every couple of weeks, and only deviates from the pattern if he has something important to ask/tell me. He rarely talks more than superficially about relationships, problems, etc, whereas, the daughters are an open book.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I also feel daughters are more open to asking advice or talking. I think my son who calls all the time is the exception and that it isnt really healthy.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I agree that the sex of the adult child matters. I only have boys but my BFFs have girls and they are pretty close.

    Our two older sons live with their girlfriends and we text a lot and actually set up monthly dinners at alternating homes to host so we can see each other. This Sunday we are going to our son's community pool (they live in a nice complex close by) for a cookout. Sometimes they get scheduled and rescheduled but it does happen thankfully! Everyone is busy. Our other son lives in the city of Chicago so it's about a 45 minute drive for them.

    Our youngest adult son is our Difficult Child and is in sober living out of state and we talk to him and text a few times per week. I did not for about a month here recently but after husband's visit he said that I need to keep in contact too since son is alone and misses family. Oh well, all his doing but that's another thread!

    I just don't think boys keep in touch with mom as much once they are in love! :flirting:
  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Youngest only when he is in trouble or wants something. My daughter is my best friend, but we don't talk on a daily basis. We see each other every Saturday.
  11. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child and his dad/I have not spoken in over a year. Sad as it is, we only wish to communicate with him when/if his heart changes. It has been a long and sad journey to where we are now.

    We have two other adult offspring whom we visit with at least once a week and talk to several times a week.
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It varies. I talk to Oldest about once a week. It depends on how things are going with her. If I sense she's on a downward spiral, I tend to pick the time and place to respond to her calls to avoid the stress. Youngest and I used to talk almost every day, but things have settled down there and it's maybe once or twice a week. That's fine with me. I got to the point where I had to literally ask my girls to give me space because I couldn't take the stress of the phone calls about the latest crisis in their lives. I had a major panic attack and I just couldn't do it any more. Thankfully, they respected that.

    I think back to my own parents. They lived a few states away from me for most of my adult life, and I talked to them maybe once a week, sometimes every couple weeks. It just depeneded on how busy we all were. I admit I called them more often when things were going badly with my own kids, and looking back I see how that must have been really stressful for them :( They never let me know that, though. I sure do miss them.
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    My son sent me a message July 16th, asking if we had he could get the Go password and watch Game of Thrones. :rolleyes: Before that, I sent him one on July 8th, with a reminder that he was about to default his student loans and asking if he wanted to me respond to a jury duty notice for him and tell them he moved. He'd contacted me before that, announcing when he got a job, prior to that asking me to send him mail so he could have something to use to prove address so he could get an ID. I suppose, if things are going well, he contacts me every couple weeks. If things are bad he's more likely to contact me, to vent or complain or ask for something.

    He sends messages via Facebook messenger. He's called once in a blue moon. In fact, he got a new phone recently and I had to ask him for the number so I would have it in place of emergency. I don't plan to call him. His preferred method of contact is messenger.

    He's two states away. If I haven't heard from him in two weeks, I'll send "Are you alive?" Sometimes, all I get is a "Yeah, lol, busy."

    It is what it is.
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Lil that is good news! Sounds like your son is adulting. Is he working now then?
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Girls/females communicate more verbally than boys/males do. This is a generality, of course, but is something I remember from both psychology and marketing classes.

    I do remember my brother, at age 18, not speaking to my parents for days or weeks on end if he could get away with it. Just not being home when they were. Of course he did this at 16 also (graduated high school at 16). When he did speak to them, he argued at the top of his lungs. At that age, volume means you win, doesn't it?

    Are you paying Ferb's way? If so, you have the right to some basic communication. My mom insisted on certain meals as a family, and knowing that he was home each night, and some other things. If his phone is on your dime, a regular call or text is not too much too ask.

    I do not know if Ferb has any autistic traits or not, but I think many people don't always get social skills without them being explained. You might explain to him that a phone call lasting 3 min or whatever time you feel is acceptable is not to much to ask seeing as you gave birth to him, labor of how many hours, how many parent teacher conferences, how many video games, etc.... All you want to know is how he is doing, is he happy, what is going on in his life, share your life with him. Ask him why this is something outrageous and listen if he gives you an answer. Then discuss it with him and find a compromise. But at 18, I think we don't see or moms as people who need that contact, or who are interested in us. For some kids, they are robots who are there to cook, clean and serve the kids, not people who want to connect to us as adults. They have out lived their usefulness - several people in my dorm spoke of parents like this and it shocked and saddened me even at 17 when I went to college. I called my parents constantly.
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  16. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    When I text Ferb he responds quickly. He does let me know his work schedule and texts when he arrives home from work. I asked for this as he still has no driver's license and has to walk about a mile home from work. Most of the time he remembers. He typically tells me when he goes to spend the night at a friend's house. I assume he is telling me the truth, but he may not be. I think since he is holding down a job, keeping up with appointments and keeping the cat and himself alive, that is probably pretty good for him.

    We've spent a lot of time at the farm this summer. My neighbors have not reported any wild parties or other weirdness. Those are all positives.
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  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Last I heard. Still homeless and sleeping in girlfriend car as her parent's won't let him in the house, but he has some form of ID finally and a job. Only took him 10 months. lol That doesn't really amount to "adulting" but it's a start.

    Saturday Jabber and I were at a wedding of his nephew and grandpa advised son's student loan servicers were calling. Same day my own brother (with whom I have a strained relationship anyway) texted me a skip trace letter from same place. There was a rather terse text sent by me to son. He asked - for a thousandth time - for the phone number like you couldn't just google it.

    BUT, he did say Sunday that he had called and it was taken care of...finally. Time will tell.
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'd agree with all those being positives. Jabber and I didn't dare leave ours alone at home. Sounds like Ferb isn't doing too badly...even if he's not as verbal as one would like.
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  19. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Daughter recently moved out and lives in a nearby city. We text once or twice a week. Generally, she calls me or her father when she needs something. Last call was to her Dad about the "click, click, click" her car was making and wouldn't start. Needs battery. She handled it. I text her a "I love you." if I don't hear from her in over a week. She works odd and long hours and our work schedules are very different. She has packages sent here so I see her when she picks them up. We had many years of acrimony, so I'll definitely take this now over that then.
  20. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Read qyucjkt,,,apogies...
    Soooo many positives. It is probably best to concentrate on them.
    I was one of those young women who called her mom daily. We were super close. She died at age 49. I was completely devastated.

    AND I got the false impression that it would be something like this with my children as they got older, etc. NOPE.

    Our daughter who has a lot of mental illness, does call almost daily....BUT it is for favors. "Mom (or Dad) can I ask a favor?" She rarely tells me anything personal, unless in the end it is to ask for a favor.

    Our son, is calling more frequently now that we moved to the same city. Previously, he would call perhaps once a week. We did Facetime perhaps twice a month. Now, he is calling about every other day to either me or my husband, but they are usually brief calls...usually a question or comment...short and sweet. He might text once or twice a week. I have found as he has gotten older, he is more communicative...he is in his early thirties now.