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How old was your difficult child when you knew?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 345948" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, Joolz.</p><p></p><p>ODD is not a very helpful diagnosis because by itself it really doesn't tell you much or give you clues on what to do. However, you often get something that looks identical to ODD, but is caused by parenting/discipline techniques which SHOULD be OK but for these kids, they are not, because of the nature of the underlying disorder. </p><p></p><p>There can be a number of disorders which will produce these results when you parent according to fairly traditional, previously reliable methods.</p><p></p><p>"Normal" discipline techniques make certain assumptions about the child.</p><p>They assume the child is able to change his/her behaviour.</p><p>They assume the child knows the difference between right and wrong.</p><p>They assume the child is capable of self-control and is not acting on impulse.</p><p>They assume the child understands fully.</p><p></p><p>If any of these are not working perfectly, you get a build-up of problems and a plummeting child self-esteem as the child perceives that discipline will always happen regardless of what the child tries to do. This amounts to being punished purely for who you are. A classic example is a child being punished for not sitting still - if the child is anxious plus has ADHD, the child will fidget more, the more anxious he gets. So a child who is increasingly afraid of being punished for fidgeting, is likely to fidget more and punishment is almost inevitable no matter how hard the child tries.</p><p>difficult child 1's first pediatrician said to us, "If I sat him on a $50 note and told him he could have the money if he could sit still for five minutes, he would not be able to earn it. Does he understand? Yes. Is he motivated? Sure thing. But he is physically incapable, and mentally incapable, of sitting still."</p><p></p><p>Read around on this site and look for "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Grab a copy from your library. We're not saying you're a bad parent - you're here, aren't you? But the way we were raised, that did no harm to us, is not the only way. It also often doesn't work, for kids who are a bit outside the normal range for whatever reason.</p><p></p><p>These methods can seem anarchic and wimpy. But they are not, especially if you plan ahead and put stuff in place as far as your child can handle it. You take what will work and leave the rest for now. Far from being wimpy, these methods should actually help the child use their own self-control (seems impossible, but it can work) to give you the behaviours you want. Some thing you need to let go for now. You will also need to really get inside your child's head to get a feel for why she is struggling.</p><p></p><p>There are always sound reasons. We just have to find them.</p><p></p><p>Welcome!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 345948, member: 1991"] Welcome, Joolz. ODD is not a very helpful diagnosis because by itself it really doesn't tell you much or give you clues on what to do. However, you often get something that looks identical to ODD, but is caused by parenting/discipline techniques which SHOULD be OK but for these kids, they are not, because of the nature of the underlying disorder. There can be a number of disorders which will produce these results when you parent according to fairly traditional, previously reliable methods. "Normal" discipline techniques make certain assumptions about the child. They assume the child is able to change his/her behaviour. They assume the child knows the difference between right and wrong. They assume the child is capable of self-control and is not acting on impulse. They assume the child understands fully. If any of these are not working perfectly, you get a build-up of problems and a plummeting child self-esteem as the child perceives that discipline will always happen regardless of what the child tries to do. This amounts to being punished purely for who you are. A classic example is a child being punished for not sitting still - if the child is anxious plus has ADHD, the child will fidget more, the more anxious he gets. So a child who is increasingly afraid of being punished for fidgeting, is likely to fidget more and punishment is almost inevitable no matter how hard the child tries. difficult child 1's first pediatrician said to us, "If I sat him on a $50 note and told him he could have the money if he could sit still for five minutes, he would not be able to earn it. Does he understand? Yes. Is he motivated? Sure thing. But he is physically incapable, and mentally incapable, of sitting still." Read around on this site and look for "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Grab a copy from your library. We're not saying you're a bad parent - you're here, aren't you? But the way we were raised, that did no harm to us, is not the only way. It also often doesn't work, for kids who are a bit outside the normal range for whatever reason. These methods can seem anarchic and wimpy. But they are not, especially if you plan ahead and put stuff in place as far as your child can handle it. You take what will work and leave the rest for now. Far from being wimpy, these methods should actually help the child use their own self-control (seems impossible, but it can work) to give you the behaviours you want. Some thing you need to let go for now. You will also need to really get inside your child's head to get a feel for why she is struggling. There are always sound reasons. We just have to find them. Welcome! Marg [/QUOTE]
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