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How to calm down a kid when you have your own health scare?
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 625909" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Thanks Susie! That is a great idea which I did put use and decided one of our outbuildings needs to be cleaned, uncluttered and build storage system in so that it will have some room for gym equipment/crafts projects/something (I really couldn't come up with anything we actually needed that room for in so short notice, I'm working on that...) And I was very clear I want them out of my hair and that I'm done with playing referee. I understand Joy. He is still a kid and worried his mommy may die (even though I have told him numerous times that would be extremely unlikely, at least not because of this tumour.) husband doesn't have excuses and I have had enough of him making this more difficult for me and told him so. And told him I will retreat to our summer cottage and absolutely forbid them coming there or taking calls from them, if he doesn't man up, get a handle of himself and also take care of his sons. And that I mean both of them. He knows difficult child, has known him for over twenty years. He knows his personality and way he reacts. He knows how deeply difficult child feels for me, husband himself and Joy. He has known me longer and he knows how I react. That husband personally doesn't feel like difficult child's, or my, ways of reacting are right or that they are not the way he would like us to react, is not an excuse. He doesn't have excuses in this one.</p><p></p><p>At least they have been keeping their koi mostly out from my ears after that, so I'm happy with that. To me it seems husband and difficult child try to be civil to each other but difficult child and Joy are still at odds and there has been few half-play, half-serious wrestling matches between them. That is also something I need to address with Joy. He is an (physical) aggressor on these, always has been, difficult child choice of weapons is always his tongue, Joy is the one who will take arguments physical. In the past size difference has always been so big, that difficult child has never had trouble to handle his brother's violent attempts without risking actually hurting him (and also Joy pulls some punches and doesn't try to actually harm.) But now, while difficult child is still taller, and will stay that way, Joy is in fact heavier and stronger (they are built quite differently and their sports demands quite different kind of training) and Joy could be an actual threat to G FG. And while difficult child is still seeing Joy very much as his baby brother, it could easily end up so, that if easy child gets an upper hand when they wrestle and things just happen to line up badly, difficult child may panic and forget with whom he is wrestling and react from the gut and not from the place where he remembers he is squabbling with his brother. He does have PTSD and rather bad dissociation symptoms after all. And that is something Joy clearly is not understanding or appreciating. That is again something I will have to address with Joy soon. They are simply too old to physically fight any more.</p><p></p><p>difficult child has started to make noise about leaving for couple weeks which would likely be helpful for keeping peace. But we have some high stress days coming soon with him because of the mediation thingy and I would like to keep him close through that. And that of course is also something I will have to beat into my husband's thick skull: This thing is important, it will be very hard for difficult child and it will be about difficult child, not about us or how we feel or how we want difficult child this or that. We owe it to difficult child to be fully behind him in this one.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 625909, member: 14557"] Thanks Susie! That is a great idea which I did put use and decided one of our outbuildings needs to be cleaned, uncluttered and build storage system in so that it will have some room for gym equipment/crafts projects/something (I really couldn't come up with anything we actually needed that room for in so short notice, I'm working on that...) And I was very clear I want them out of my hair and that I'm done with playing referee. I understand Joy. He is still a kid and worried his mommy may die (even though I have told him numerous times that would be extremely unlikely, at least not because of this tumour.) husband doesn't have excuses and I have had enough of him making this more difficult for me and told him so. And told him I will retreat to our summer cottage and absolutely forbid them coming there or taking calls from them, if he doesn't man up, get a handle of himself and also take care of his sons. And that I mean both of them. He knows difficult child, has known him for over twenty years. He knows his personality and way he reacts. He knows how deeply difficult child feels for me, husband himself and Joy. He has known me longer and he knows how I react. That husband personally doesn't feel like difficult child's, or my, ways of reacting are right or that they are not the way he would like us to react, is not an excuse. He doesn't have excuses in this one. At least they have been keeping their koi mostly out from my ears after that, so I'm happy with that. To me it seems husband and difficult child try to be civil to each other but difficult child and Joy are still at odds and there has been few half-play, half-serious wrestling matches between them. That is also something I need to address with Joy. He is an (physical) aggressor on these, always has been, difficult child choice of weapons is always his tongue, Joy is the one who will take arguments physical. In the past size difference has always been so big, that difficult child has never had trouble to handle his brother's violent attempts without risking actually hurting him (and also Joy pulls some punches and doesn't try to actually harm.) But now, while difficult child is still taller, and will stay that way, Joy is in fact heavier and stronger (they are built quite differently and their sports demands quite different kind of training) and Joy could be an actual threat to G FG. And while difficult child is still seeing Joy very much as his baby brother, it could easily end up so, that if easy child gets an upper hand when they wrestle and things just happen to line up badly, difficult child may panic and forget with whom he is wrestling and react from the gut and not from the place where he remembers he is squabbling with his brother. He does have PTSD and rather bad dissociation symptoms after all. And that is something Joy clearly is not understanding or appreciating. That is again something I will have to address with Joy soon. They are simply too old to physically fight any more. difficult child has started to make noise about leaving for couple weeks which would likely be helpful for keeping peace. But we have some high stress days coming soon with him because of the mediation thingy and I would like to keep him close through that. And that of course is also something I will have to beat into my husband's thick skull: This thing is important, it will be very hard for difficult child and it will be about difficult child, not about us or how we feel or how we want difficult child this or that. We owe it to difficult child to be fully behind him in this one. [/QUOTE]
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