Lynn, I wish I could say or do something to make it better for you! I am going through a very similar situation as I shared earlier. And I feel like my son doesn't have the best mother or father for his 'condition'. I (mom) have a hard time engaging/not engaging and holding my temper. Dad is in the home, but quiet and not real involved. It's how he grew up and he's trying.
We, too have holes in the wall, doors, dents in the refrigerator, you name it.
My son cycles and when he's good, he wants help and admits he has a problem. When he's in a bad place, he is ready to give up and die. I, too had tried to scream it out if him, beg him calmly, pray, ignore, but mostly try to 'talk' him out of it and I end up saying the wrong things.
I will be in constant prayer for our children. And sending big hugs your way.
