How to choose between two children-help me please

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Lynn34, Jul 5, 2017.

  1. Lynn34

    Lynn34 New Member

    Oh boy. Like many people here, I struggle with a soon to be 18 year old bipolar daughter who is in denial. I have owned her illness but she has not. I have tried multiple doctors, theripists and energy healers. Virtually no progress and it wasn't better on medications with the horrible side effects. Her father left the home. He could not deal with the violent outbursts without himself escalating in anger. I was literal caught in the middle.
    He has been out of the home for a year and still there is no peace. Police are constantly being called to my house because of fits. She has been hospitalized, sent to "wilderness" camp and has been arrested. No change. She graduated high school,barely, and says she wants to work but really does nothing to get a job. My house has broken windows and holes in walls. It sucks, she knows it sucks. When she calms she is sweet and loving but when she doesn't get what she wants she starts to cycle.
    This week things with her younger sister turned violent. Her younger sister purposefully antagonized to set her off. She later explained she did this because she just wants it over. I have not been a good parent to her because I was always working on her sister
    So here I am. I know I am enabling her. She is better not around me because I trigger her and even if I don't trigger her, she expects me to help her- because I am the the mom
    I have been up all night. I know I have to think of the 16 year old sister. I feel I should leave the house, let the father handle the 16 year old and literally move away. My 18 year old needs to figure it out. I will pay her rent for year. My heart is Broken. I can't do this anymore. She needs help and doesn't want it but blames all her problems on me and the fact I sent her away and I put her on medications. She doesn't see that her actions had any role. She manipulates my emotions. I could not find any state agency to help. Any advice? If I save my self and other daughter, what am I condemning my mentally ill daughter to.
    The is no family and she and father are toxic together.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think its easy.

    16 year old is a minor and on the receiving end of this abuse. Oldest can not safely live in a family and its time for sixteen year old to get the love and attention she missed.You dont have much time to get close to her. She could decide to leave you AND sister at eighteen. It truly isnt fair.

    Your oldest daughter needs to do this herself. You have spent all your time trying to fix her. All you got in return is a broken marriage and a struggling younger daughter. And I suspect you neglect yourself too.You can not help your oldest daughter.

    Tell oldest to leave. Evict her if you must. People with bipolar work and so can she. Let youngest heal. Maybe you can rekindle your marriage. Dont allow this one daughter who refuses help to destroy your life. Distance from her. Dont talk to her so much if she is abusive or guilts you. Visit her in neutral places like coffee shops.

    Stop trying to fix her. It will never happen. Move on and let her fix herself. Or not. You are taking on an impossible task and giving up everyone else, including you.
     
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  3. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    If you are lacking face to face support I recommend you find an experienced therapist for you, who can help you work it out
     
  4. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    So sorry to hear. Been there done that. Difficult son cost me my marriage, much money, my self esteem, and my relationship with younger daughter because like you I was so focused on saving him. Just HIM. Forgot about me, hubby, daughter, cat and dog, friends and family. It was all about HIM. and I let that happen.

    When it all crashed and burned and it did, I moved out of the marriage, out of the city and started a new life. My daughter by then was in university. She and I are still working on a loving relationship but I know she resents the time her brother took from her.

    Difficult child is still difficult. Lives in a group home, was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia and has addiction issues and is medication compliant. However he always has been and still is a master manipulator. I see him infrequently and on my terms only. I have grieved the loss of who I knew him to be and have come to terms with the new son. Yes our relationship is different. But doable on MY terms only.

    I am happier, have a new partner and am renovating a 170 year old house. But there are still nights when the old anxiety of what we as a family went through still haunt me. My shrink says it will for quite some time. My lesson is this. I should have taken care of myself and my daughter a lot earlier. Drama with son will never end. Sorry for your hurting heart. Hugs!
     
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  5. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    One other thing I forgot to mention. You don't have to "choose" between your two. As SWOT says you are obligated to keep the younger one safe. You can still love your difficult daughter but not be the fixer for her. There is a great article on detachment on this site. I wish i would have read it when we were walking through fire then and had the wonderful advice that people like SWOT and the others provide. I still read daily and practice detachment daily.
     
  6. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    Lynn34, I am so sorry you are going through this. My 18 yo Difficult Child sounds a lot like your daughter. However, he was "diagnosed" with depression, but I feel like it is so much more, possibly bipolar. My son also goes into "rants" (possibly cycles) when he doesn't get his way. And when he is in a good place, he is one of the kindest, sweetest, most compassionate people I know. During these times, he also realizes that he needs help and wants to do what it takes. When he is in a bad place, he wants to totally give up, meaning he know longer wants to live, much less try to improve. He also barely passed high school despite being so darn smart. He told his therapist that when he thought something would be hard, or if he felt even the least bit challenged, he quit. He no longer paid attention or did the assignments. His binder was full of started, but not completed assignments that he refused to finish or turn in because they were not "perfect" and there was no way he could make them "perfect". My son also blames all of his "issues" on me--the things I didn't see, me expecting 'perfection' (I expect effort, not perfection), not giving in to each and every one of his desires, the list goes on and on...

    Luckily my husband is still in the home and my younger child is actually too scared to push her brother's buttons. My relationships with my older and younger child, my husband, and my mom has all suffered tremendously and I am at the point now where I am ready to take my life back.

    The idea of detachment is new to me. I've only learned about it a few days ago, but I feel like I have to start working on it. I owe it to myself, my family, and my son. As much as I want to, I cannot fix him. His father cannot fix him. His girlfriend (now ex) cannot fix him. He has to fix himself.

    Sending big hugs your way!
     
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Mamato, our son has the depression and also can cycle too.

    They have never mentioned bipolar, but i too think there are some symptoms.

    They do have to live with who they are. They have to see the hope we strived for.
    Blessings!
     
  8. Lynn34

    Lynn34 New Member

    Thank you all. I am slowly detaching. But how to i kick her out. She doesn't drive, no job, and is battling bipolar, depression and anxiety. I told her yesterday we are moving in this direction, that I would help her finiciallybwhile we take these steps. She was like a broken bird. We all are so overwhelmed. I don't want to throw a beautiful girl out on the street. How could I live with myself. Did any of you keep me souls do this with success? I wish I had more time. Oh the FOG is getting worse. Thank you for the hugs. I am totally alone in this.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I did it. I cried all the time. But my young kids could not handle the cops, the drugs, the chaos. I had to do it for them and also for my difficult daughter who was not improving.

    I must add she also had a bipolar diagnosis.

    She did not like having nowhere to go and she changed her life after moving into the basement with a very tough relative in another state, including the meth, cocaine and also even cigarettes. She was not allowed to smoke there. She worked snd walked back and forth in the cold Chicago winter. She had no car either. She grew up. Now she is 34, twelve years later or maybe even more, has gone for a two year college certificate on her own dime, owns a house with her long time boyfriend and is a loving, normal mother to my granddaughter.

    My two younger kids are close to her. They dont resent her. One of my youngest is close to becoming a police officer. Because she saw her sister struggle???

    My daughter who changed is not bipolar. She just acted bipolar on drugs. She is fine...kind, loving and smart. Misdiagnosis.

    Has your daughter changed for the better as you take care of her, as though she cant take care of herself? I think thats a bad message. These failure to thrive adult kids dont tend to thrive when we keep believing they will fail and treat them as if they cant take care of themselves. If she is truly disabled per her doctors she ahould be able to apply for disability and get a caseworker and pay for a rented room in somebodys home. She doesnt need a mansion or a nice apartment you pay for. Our adult kids who take our money for rent dont tend to take care of their paid for apartments and often get thrown out. They dont appreciate what they dont work for. Why should they? They know we eill rescue them.

    I have an autistic son who works two jobs, gets some social security and pays for his own cozy apartment. We always treated him as if he could...and so he did. We never felt sorry for him and he does nof pity himself. He is well adjusted and everyone loves him. Yet he is certainly challenged.

    If you keep feeling sorry for your daughter, you will suffer, she will feel sorry for herself (and try to guilt you), and your other loved ones will have poor memories of her and of their upbringing.

    in my opinion your daughter needs to leave home. If you want to pay, do it. I did not but you can. At least the rest of your family can be peaceful if she is gone and maybe with distance she will change.

    I have a lifelong history of depression and anxiety. Very common mental illnesses. Most who have these challenges work and thrive and improve. They do not make one crippled nor mean. They can both be overcome. Your daughter refusing help is her own problem, not yours.

    Love and hugs and good luck. This is hard. I understand, trust me.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 6, 2017
  10. Lynn34

    Lynn34 New Member

    Thank you all for your insights. For those of you in this same situation, how did you remove the problem child from the home. I have no family and she has burnt most of her friends. Any suggestions would be so appreciated. I know I have to detach. I can't take more and I need to think of her sister. I am so sad to say this, but I pray for her death at times. Again thank you- I know the worst is yet to come.
     
  11. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Your 18 old daughter is an adult and yes you tried everything you can to help her nothing more you can do. But and this is big I do not think we can blame her for being sick this unlike other examples is someone who tried to get better but could not. Not even the medicine worked.

    I may be blunt but do not think of her in an antagonistic way. It one think to do that for an sick person who does not want to get better and one thing for one who does that is to much and unfair.

    Do what you have to do but do not resent her this is one of the things terrible about this world but lets not make the reality worse.
     
  12. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    so with my son initially we were able to send to relatives but he burnt that bridge and then he had to go on social welfare and housing but only if he agreed to complete his GED. He did that for 2 years ran into trouble and we ended up taking him home for a year...the first 3 months were honeymoon the last 9 were the same hell. He did manage to finish high school and then was accepted into university. At that time we rented an apartment for him. It was worth the peace and quiet. However he burned that bridge as well and now lives in a group home with social assistance. It shows that you can do everything you think is right, but unless they want to change they wont. I feel for you! If she is able to work she will if she has to. If not and she is disabled she should be able to qualify for Social Assistance. Hugs..this stuff can be so very overwhelming.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im not saying daughter doesnt have bipolar but unless she has major ups (major swings often with psychosis) it isnt the ultra bad kind of bipolar and it takes more than a few medication tries, therapy, and NOT the ability to abuse the family to get stable. I have a mood disorder too. It took time and hard work, but various mood disorders are common and treatable. They are not excuses to destroy a family.

    Since mental illness is not able to be tangibly diagnosed in a perfect way, the label is just the psychiatrists best guess and five doctors can draw five different conclusions.

    I believe your daughter can control herself or learn to, but she doesnt care. By eighteen (and I had no family support) I was already trying on my own to get help.

    By that age it is up to them no matter what is wrong. We lack the legal ability to do anything. And we cant for e them to try hard either. Sometimes too much love and second chances stands in the way of progress.i have no idea if I would have progressed and tried so hard if my parents would have tried to do it for me or pitied me. They were not kind and understanding but that triggered me to seek help on my own and vigorously.

    Just my thoughts......
     
  14. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Did you had this kind of mood disorder?
    Because not all are the same.
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I dont know. I had diagnoses of bipolar and depression not otherwise specified. Mood disorders are different and the same. Some are severe. Mine is. It took me ten years to find the right medication.

    One thing is exactly the same. All mood disorders are controllable on medications and therapy. It can take time and persistence to get stable. But it is possible if you try.

    A mood disorder that is moderate to severe does not get better on its own. Mild mood disorders can sometimes be managed with exercise/just therapy.

    I am thinking that this daughter actually sounds a bit like borderline personality disorder, which is not so treatable (although it is if one tries hard in therapy...there are no medications for the disorder). They often co-exist or borderline can wrongly be diagnosed as bipolar due to crazy mood swings. However borderlines tend to be mean, not bipolars.

    And, adad, i agree we should have empathy for mental illness. At the same time, it is no excuse for abuse or refusal to get treatment.
     
  16. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    But again my point was that unlike many other difficult children she tried to get treatment. This is why my attitude is different from others. Read the first post.

    We have to take this in mind also this situation is different.
     
  17. Lynn34

    Lynn34 New Member

    Thank you. It is a comfort as I again can't sleep to read all of your words. She has rapid cycling and has had psychotic episodes. ( at least three in which saw things) and this does not include the violent fits of uncontrol. She can control more around others. When she is not cycling, she is kind, loving and affectionate so doctors don't think as much as boarderline but there are lots of shared traits. Her father has anger issues and was an alcoholic so there is also lots of trauma there. When she would cycle, he would elevate and try to "alpha dog" it out of her. I would literally put my body In The middle to protect her. So trams is there too. She also is very self centered. Will lie/steal manipulate to get what she wants. This weekend is her 18th birthday. I am just trying to keep peace.
    I know something has to happen and I do have faith. I need to move at of my home so exhusband can live her with my younger daughter. They have a good relationship and I do believe that is in her best interest.
    So do I rent a place that my difficult child can stay. That scares me as my home now is bust up with broken doors and holes in walls. Do I just get a small studio/1 bedroom so she can stay if needed on a couch but not have all the luxuries she is used to and hopefully motivate her. Or do I just wait for the next cycle, call the police and try to get her hospitalization and let hospital know she can no longer live with me. Soooo much at once. My brain is going to explode. I will try a new doctor for me this Monday. I need someone to hold me accountable to the boundaries, not fold when my heart is broken. I need someone to help navigate this madness. I am spinning.
    It would be so much easier if she accepted problem and wanted help. She believes she is an empath and picks up on everyone's energy. She believes if she is just around positive energy it is ok. That is not possible in life. Life is life. There are ups and downs and disappointments.
    The next few days will be the hardest of our lifes. I took a leave from work. I just need as much support as I can get. She needs help and is not going to get it if nothing changes here. I love her so much. I do not blame her. I don't take the horrible words personally. I know it is the disorder not her soul talking. There is a genetic component that has been exasperated by family dynamics. Her father could not shout it out of her and I could not love it out.
    Today I just pray.
     
  18. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    So she does not accept help and well tries teraphy and medication?
     
  19. Lynn34

    Lynn34 New Member

    Thank you. It is a comfort as I again can't sleep to read all of your words. She has rapid cycling and has had psychotic episodes. ( at least three in which saw things) and this does not include the violent fits of uncontrol. She can control more around others. When she is not cycling, she is kind, loving and affectionate so doctors don't think as much as boarderline but there are lots of shared traits. Her father has anger issues and was an alcoholic so there is also lots of trauma there. When she would cycle, he would elevate and try to "alpha dog" it out of her. I would literally put my body In The middle to protect her. So trams is there too. She also is very self centered. Will lie/steal manipulate to get what she wants. This weekend is her 18th birthday. I am just trying to keep peace.
    I know something has to happen and I do have faith. I need to move at of my home so exhusband can live her with my younger daughter. They have a good relationship and I do believe that is in her best interest.
    So do I rent a place that my difficult child can stay. That scares me as my home now is bust up with broken doors and holes in walls. Do I just get a small studio/1 bedroom so she can stay if needed on a couch but not have all the luxuries she is used to and hopefully motivate her. Or do I just wait for the next cycle, call the police and try to get her hospitalization and let hospital know she can no longer live with me. Soooo much at once. My brain is going to explode. I will try a new doctor for me this Monday. I need someone to hold me accountable to the boundaries, not fold when my heart is broken. I need someone to help navigate this madness. I am spinning.
    It would be so much easier if she accepted problem and wanted help. She believes she is an empath and picks up on everyone's energy. She believes if she is just around positive energy it is ok. That is not possible in life. Life is life. There are ups and downs and disappointments.
    The next few days will be the hardest of our lifes. I took a leave from work. I just need as much support as I can get. She needs help and is not going to get it if nothing changes here. I love her so much. I do not blame her. I don't take the horrible words personally. I know it is the disorder not her soul talking. There is a genetic component that has been exasperated by family dynamics. Her father could not shout it out of her and I could not love it out.
    Today I just pray.
     
  20. Lynn34

    Lynn34 New Member

    To A dad
    She says therapy makes it worse and refuses to go. About 4 months ago she stopped taking her medications. The side effects and weight gain were horrible. She did ok for about 3 months. Now it is crashing hard. All she wants now is weed and to surf to feel better. She uses CBD oil but this is way more severe to have any impact She is an amazing person who when balanced can do anything. But is hell on earth when so tangled. I know she is sick. I know she needs love and support. I know she could have not been born into a worst family. I am all alone in this now. I need her to to get to the point to fight for her life or totally quit.
    She is afraid. She is afraid of herself and of becoming 18. She is afraid nothing will work. She says she tried "everything" and it only made it worse and of course blames me for making her take the medications, sending her to the hospital or sending her to a residential program. I have spent well over $80,000 this last year alone.
    Her sister and father have giving up on her. I am her sole survivor and I am bruised (literally) and exhausted. Something has to change.