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How to choose between two children-help me please
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 714596" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Oh I am soft too. I was not one to yell (much...haha) r spank or even discipline. All my kids say this. But I just did not do for them what they could do for themselves. I valued tbeir indepedece as adults and that paid off. They got part time jobs at sixteen, except autistic son who did at eighteen, and paid for their part of car insurance, gas, if they wanted expensive name brand clothing, nothing was handed to them. I am always amazed that some parents buy their kids cars saying they are a necessity, even if they abuse drugs or get into crashes or get tickets. I think this sort of giving actually gives them a sense of entitlement and helplessness. Giving for free does not make strong character or teach them how to solve problems. It tells them Mom will rescue and buy them things, although they are adults.</p><p></p><p>No mattee how good it may feel to us, I have always believed that supporting our kids beyond a healthy age or giving money or things to them keeps failure to thrive adults even more childish as they do not have to be adults if we pay their ways. The more we pay, in my opinion the worse our "leg up" to help turns into adult kids who are needy yet ungrateful and they dont know what to do with the leg up. So they take the easy way and dont change, expecting you to rescue them out of any mess. in my opinion money at them is for us to feel better, not for their growth. We never did that.</p><p></p><p>Not enabling bad behavior could make them more motivated, they may blame us and ask for more or say we are supposed to "help" them (no law that we do, legal or moral) or they may not change for a long time.</p><p></p><p>I have been reading the boards for over ten years. I have read nothing to indicate that we can love them enough or pay them enough to get better. I have read many success stories but the adults were already in the hands of parents who were done supporting their bad choices and they were on their own without our money and toys.</p><p></p><p>You might want to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Great book. Woth the costof three therspy sessions although I think therapy is very helpful to us as we hike a tough path. Many here are in therapy.</p><p></p><p>Take care!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 714596, member: 1550"] Oh I am soft too. I was not one to yell (much...haha) r spank or even discipline. All my kids say this. But I just did not do for them what they could do for themselves. I valued tbeir indepedece as adults and that paid off. They got part time jobs at sixteen, except autistic son who did at eighteen, and paid for their part of car insurance, gas, if they wanted expensive name brand clothing, nothing was handed to them. I am always amazed that some parents buy their kids cars saying they are a necessity, even if they abuse drugs or get into crashes or get tickets. I think this sort of giving actually gives them a sense of entitlement and helplessness. Giving for free does not make strong character or teach them how to solve problems. It tells them Mom will rescue and buy them things, although they are adults. No mattee how good it may feel to us, I have always believed that supporting our kids beyond a healthy age or giving money or things to them keeps failure to thrive adults even more childish as they do not have to be adults if we pay their ways. The more we pay, in my opinion the worse our "leg up" to help turns into adult kids who are needy yet ungrateful and they dont know what to do with the leg up. So they take the easy way and dont change, expecting you to rescue them out of any mess. in my opinion money at them is for us to feel better, not for their growth. We never did that. Not enabling bad behavior could make them more motivated, they may blame us and ask for more or say we are supposed to "help" them (no law that we do, legal or moral) or they may not change for a long time. I have been reading the boards for over ten years. I have read nothing to indicate that we can love them enough or pay them enough to get better. I have read many success stories but the adults were already in the hands of parents who were done supporting their bad choices and they were on their own without our money and toys. You might want to read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Great book. Woth the costof three therspy sessions although I think therapy is very helpful to us as we hike a tough path. Many here are in therapy. Take care!! [/QUOTE]
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