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how to deal with other family members that enable
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<blockquote data-quote="jbrain" data-source="post: 112863" data-attributes="member: 3450"><p>Well, chiming in here after reading all the replies, my 2 cents worth is that you need a huge dose of detachment. You cannot control the situation and will only drive yourself crazy trying to do so. You are now worrying about the sponsor. You can worry all day about all of this and it just won't help. Your son is 22 years old--time for him to take full responsibility for his recovery. I really have doubts that this 30 day program is going to completely turn him around anyway. Most addicts do relapse, takes more than a 30 day stint in a rehab--this is only the beginning. But regardless, he has to decide what to do and he has to own his recovery. </p><p></p><p>The best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to live your own life regardless of what he does or doesn't do and regardless of biodad's involvment. All of your worry, checking into things, advice, etc. will not make a difference in his recovery if he isn't buying into it for himself. And you won't know if he is serious until he is out of rehab and actually walking the walk. And he can't walk the walk if you are trying to control it. You have no control over his stepmom who is also trying to be in charge of his recovery and I expect that is extremely frustrating. You are afraid she is going to screw up his chance at recovery. But you can't change that situation and getting totally involved and trying to prevent her from screwing things up isn't going to help. You can only control you. </p><p></p><p>I hope I don't sound harsh, I really do feel for you, I just think you will be able to feel better about everything if you give up trying to control the situation. I know you have said you are a person who likes to plan ahead but sometimes you just have to let go and let things play out the way they will. I found with my dtr that it was a great relief when I realized I couldn't fix her or her life and let her have the responsibility. I figured she would really screw up and she did for a few years but she finally stepped up to the plate when she was ready to do so--her timetable, not mine. </p><p></p><p>Take care,</p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jbrain, post: 112863, member: 3450"] Well, chiming in here after reading all the replies, my 2 cents worth is that you need a huge dose of detachment. You cannot control the situation and will only drive yourself crazy trying to do so. You are now worrying about the sponsor. You can worry all day about all of this and it just won't help. Your son is 22 years old--time for him to take full responsibility for his recovery. I really have doubts that this 30 day program is going to completely turn him around anyway. Most addicts do relapse, takes more than a 30 day stint in a rehab--this is only the beginning. But regardless, he has to decide what to do and he has to own his recovery. The best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to live your own life regardless of what he does or doesn't do and regardless of biodad's involvment. All of your worry, checking into things, advice, etc. will not make a difference in his recovery if he isn't buying into it for himself. And you won't know if he is serious until he is out of rehab and actually walking the walk. And he can't walk the walk if you are trying to control it. You have no control over his stepmom who is also trying to be in charge of his recovery and I expect that is extremely frustrating. You are afraid she is going to screw up his chance at recovery. But you can't change that situation and getting totally involved and trying to prevent her from screwing things up isn't going to help. You can only control you. I hope I don't sound harsh, I really do feel for you, I just think you will be able to feel better about everything if you give up trying to control the situation. I know you have said you are a person who likes to plan ahead but sometimes you just have to let go and let things play out the way they will. I found with my dtr that it was a great relief when I realized I couldn't fix her or her life and let her have the responsibility. I figured she would really screw up and she did for a few years but she finally stepped up to the plate when she was ready to do so--her timetable, not mine. Take care, Jane [/QUOTE]
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